Clark Overweight? The Fit Dad

After a holiday known for huge meals, a new theory has emerged about the disappearance of Clark Kent. Rumors are circulating that Kent has become overweight and embarrassed by his sudden flabbiness. There have even been photos by the paparazzi in gossip magazines showing Kent hanging out all over the place in a red speedo swimsuit on a recent vacation with Lois in the Bahamas. But many fans feel this these claims false. Fans like personal trainer Ed and his alter ego The Fit Dad who are here to share his expertise on the topic with the public.

Clark Kent. Oh how I love that Clark Kent. Not in the love kind of way... but the love kind of way like I love working out. The bro kind of way where two bros can love each other and not have to worry about... oh hell, this going downhill fast and I don't know to stop it without shoving my foot down my throat.

The point is he's a cool dude and he's gone missing. Maybe my alter ego, The Fit Dad can find him.

Yes, I have and alter ego and min is just as cheesy as Superman (and I say that out love because I'm a total Superman geek).

During the day I'm a mild mannered personal trainer whipping people into shape who then goes home to help take care of the coolest little girl in the world. But sometimes my other side has to come out.

The side of me that really whips people into shape and gets a little cranky when they do things like not listen to me and go out and buy some $100 piece of junk off an infomercial because that super hot fitness model said it whittle away their big flabby gut in 2 days.

The side of me that grumble and groans when I design a workout program for someone, then they misplace it even though I emailed it to them and gave them a hard copy.

There's not much difference in the way I look from my Fit Dad alter ego, kind of like Clark and Superman. I wear shorts, t-shirt and tennis shoes. Fit Dad? Well he wears the same damn thing I do except he might rip the sleeves off his shirt and tear his shorts kind of like the Incredible Hulk (except the crotch, why doesn't the Hulk's pants rip in the crotch? Not that I want to see that or anything - just asking.)

The point is Clark needs to be found and The Fit Dad needs to find him. Is he at the desk sipping coffee and eating a donut? No.

Is he at the Daily Planet gym sweating out reps of squats next to that hot little Lois Lane?

Sadly no, which means I have to keep looking.

Ahh, there he is. He¹s at Starbucks slamming down extra grande mocha frappe latte mochaccinos by the handful and stuffing his face full of 500 calorie muffins. Oh no wait, it¹s not him that¹s the evil twin from Superman IV. I don¹t know where he is and I give up so I¹ll just give you some fat loss tips to make up for my inept searching.

1) Stop relying on cardio so much. No, really I¹m serious about this one. I know it¹s kind of sacrilegious to tell someone not to focus on cardio because that¹s the first thing people think of when it comes time to exercise and lose weight, but it¹s not the best way for busy parents when time is of the essence.

Yes, cardio is important but it¹s not THE most important. And when you talk in terms of regular cardio it¹s probably the worst thing you can do if you want to lose weight.

You also don¹t have to spend your life in the gym. In fact you don¹t even have to go to the gym. I love doing workouts in my living room while my daughter giggles and tries to imitate my push-ups, planks, squats and lunges.

I could give you a killer workout program that can be done in 10 minutes a day using nothing but your own bodyweight and it will strip the fat off you like Mama Cass eating a slab of ribs.

The point I really try to hammer home with my Super Dads and Wonder Moms is that there are better, more time efficient ways of getting in a killer fat burning workout than attempting to pound it out on the treadmill and wasting an hour of your life.

2) Eat more fiber. That¹s about as easy as I can make the whole nutrition thing sound. If you eat more fiber, you eat more fruits, vegetables and whole grains. If you eat more of those things, you¹re going to automatically be cutting out the crap because you won¹t have room for it in your belly.

Fiber fills you up. It¹s nature¹s appetite suppressant. Because of that there¹s no need to go buying some worthless pill off an infomercial or from Biff the Muscle Dude at the supplement store.

Fiber cleans you out. I¹m not going to go into this one, just know that it does and that matters.

3) Use that thing on top of your shoulders. If you don¹t believe in
yourself, believe you can accomplish what you set out for and then use your head and think before you eat, you will NEVER accomplish your goals.

Nobody else should believe in you as much as you do because nobody else will help you as much as you can. Make sense? Think of it this way. If you don¹t believe in yourself and believe you can succeed, then who¹s to stop you from skipping a workout?

If you don¹t believe, then who¹s to stop you from stopping at Starbucks every morning and grabbing one of those 300 calorie ³coffee drinks² and 600 calorie muffin (yes they contain that many calories)? If you don¹t believe, you won¹t succeed. Period. End of story.

Are those 3 things overly simple? Maybe, but it¹s a start for someone who isn¹t doing a damn thing at the moment and that¹s a good thing. You have to start somewhere if you want to start looking like the superhero I know you are.

So start by writing down a couple goals, figure out a workout plan to stick to and start cutting out the junk food and adding more fiber. Then believe that you can achieve what you want. It will be tough, that I can guarantee. But you can do it if you stick with

Have a great day and thanks for reading my little rant about Clark Kent, people not doing what I tell them and learning how to help yourself look like the superhero you are.

Ed Scow, aka The Fit Dad

Hopefully this will douse the speculation claiming Clark Kent's shame in letting himself go has kept him in hiding. Interstingly enough in April 1964 (Issue #170) President John F Kennedy requested that the Man of Steel encourage kids to join his physical fitness program (Kennedy was assasinated in 1963, but you can read the details here). Now that, as The Fit Dad went kicking around in Daily Planet gym, he came across the ninth clue in the sauna: a marked up manuscript, but it's been damaged by the steam and is barely readable. How does this fit in with all those other clues? But it's just one more piece of the puzzle that can be used to collect the Reward that's been posted.

Braja's account about the unintended consequences of cleaning a certain someone's tights was a big hit and The Lunchbox was grateful to be Lost and Found In India.

Next Week: Lois to make a statement about her husband's whereabouts.


Clark Sighted In India!

DAILY PLANET NEWS WIRE - MAYAPUR, INDIA - AP A woman living in Mayapur, West Bengal India has reported seeing Daily Planet reporter and blogger Clark Kent. Kent, who has been missing for over a week, has been the subject of an intensive search involving local and federal government agencies along with fans and citizens of the general public. With this new development the hunt has now expanded to an international effort. The woman known as Braja, an Australian that has lived in the region for seven years is a yogi and writes the blog Lost And Found In India. The following is the printed account of the letter she provided to authorities. 

I'm sorry to break this to you, but I've known where Clark is all along. It happened like this...

I was on the rooftop the other day hanging out the washing and enjoying the winter sun on my back. I knew there was something strange going on when I heard the whooshing sound. There was a momentary shadow cast over the ground and I knew it wasn't the military fighters heading to Pakistan because world war three hadn't broken out yet. Unless of course it had and no one had told me, which was highly likely since I live in a village on the banks of the Ganges and we're ALWAYS the last to know anything...

I turned my face skyward and saw a flash of blue and red. Then nothing for a few moments. Then a loud thud, a groan, and the sound of breaking glass behind me made me turn.

There stood Clark: coat, tie, dumb hat, and glasses. I rolled my eyes. "For God's sake man, it's almost 2009: not even Indians wear those ridiculous black rimmed Buddy Holly glasses. Can't you update, for chrissakes?"

He looked at me through the broken glass (yeah, that was the sound), and said, "Do I know you? And do you have some washing powder I can borrow?"


He pulled the red and blue cape and tights out from his coat pocket and dangled them in front of me. "Superhero work is sweaty. These need a wash. Go on, be a love...while you're up here, y'know...."

I considered giving him a lecture about equal rights and all that crap, but he is Clark, after all, and he's trapped in the 30's or something. Women were women and men were men, and anyway, he still hadn't gotten over the Stiletto and Vodka women. His eyes were glazed, and I knew it was them...

I took the cape and tights from him and threw them in my washing bucket, sprinkled in some Indian style Surf (smells fresh!), and turned the water on. While they were soaking we sat and shared a splif...oh....hell, sorry, chat about the weather and Lois Lane's OCD. She had it bad. I had no idea.

After a while Clark said, "How long will the laundry be?"

I ambled over to the bucket and gulped in fright...the water was a murky blue/red mix, and the fabric looked faded. I pulled it out, wrung it, and held it out for Clark to see. "Dude, I think we have a problem..."

You shoulda seen his face. He was mad. "Typical bloody Indian washing powder," he growled. "Take the strength out of Kryptonite..."

I apologized and offered to write to the company. He said he had no time. While they dried he lectured me on adding the powder first to the water, thus leaving no splotches all over the fabric. I apologized.

He seemed okay when he left, but his outfit was faded like mad and he was on his way to some planetary fabric convention where he could buy replacements. I heard him mumbling something about "Scotty..." "...Trek..." and so on, but I couldn't be sure.
One thing for sure, he was pissed, man....

Many involved are encouraged by Braja's account, and hailing her courage in coming forward with this new information. "This gives us hope that he hasn't completely vanished," one spokesman associated with the investigation said in a statement to reporters. "We are grateful to Braja, not only for contacting us, but for handing over another clue for use in our search efforts." Unconfirmed rumors claim the Eighth Clue are several red pens and bottles of White Out correction fluid. A REWARD for locating the whereabouts of Kent has been posted. 

In a related development, Lois Lane, Pulitzer Prize winning reporter and wife to Kent has confirmed she will release a public statement related to her husband's disappearance early next week.

Daily Planet Classifieds
Many thanks to Petra, The Wise Young Mommy for her enthusiastic search efforts, fashion recomendations (I'm pretty sure Clark wants to know where he get the sweater), and her impressive knowledge of CK trivia.

Coming in Friday's Edition: Clark Kent Gets Fit.



The Wise & The Young Join The Search

As the clues continue to mount, more and more armature sleuths are putting the pieces together, getting closer and closer in discovering Clark's whereabouts. Dance recitals, hosting events, secret Girl Scout lodges near the Fortress of Solitude... but what's with the shoes? One superhero mom and writer is not going to standby idly, in fact she can barely stand it at all. The Wise Young Mommy, or Petra "The Wise" has been fidgeting from day one, and missing Clark to say the least. Now this she's doing her own research on Clark to see what she might discover in the process.

Dude, Where ARE You?

I am not exactly what you would call a "patient" person. OK, OK, actually I am more of the "hates waiting and can't keep her mouth shut in the meantime" kind of gal. Therefore, when I stumbled upon this here blog, Clark Kent's Lunchbox, the home of my very favorite superhero crush and his equally handsome and bespectacled alter ego and found that he was MISSING, and that nobody knew when he would RETURN, you can say that I was slightly perturbed. No, not slightly perturbed, I was F@#KING PISSED. Here I am, totally stoked to read all about Clark and Superman's latest shenanigans, along with recent photos of Lois (cause you know, she's HOT), and I am told to sit tight and wait...

Yeah, I have been kind of a mess.

First I read through his entire archives so I would be fully prepared on back-story for any new material he would post in the future. That only took a couple of hours, so I tried searching for other blogs dealing with some of my other favorite superheroes, such as Spiderman and Captain Underpants, but alas, none of them even measured up to a blog all about the Big "S." So I started thinking, and then when I recovered from that, I came up with some activities to keep me busy while I waited. Cause a girl needs something to keep her hands busy while she waits, you know? (and I ran out of batteries, so I needed an alternate activity).

Well, first of all, I dusted off my good ole Super Woman suit, which definitely helped to ease the anxiety:

Thank God I have been working out, so I was able to get back into it. I tell you, that Jillian Michaels is a slave driver!

Then I picked up the knitting needles and got to work on a welcome back gift for CK:

I really think it will draw out the little blue flecks in his eyes, don't you think?

I even convinced my husband to wear these to bed for me so I could sleep better at night:

He's such a good sport: he even ignored my cries of "OH CK" in the middle of the night. He knows there's no threat; Lois and CK have a rock solid relationship.

Then, when I thought I could stand it no longer, I cruised the web looking for facts and trivia about Clark Kent and Superman. I figured I could bone up (heh, I said "bone") before he got back and maybe he would be all impressed with my new wealth of information (either that or he will ban me from his blog for being a stalking psycho-blogger. I'll take my chances...)

Did you know that Clark's middle name is Joseph? Yeah, I didn't either, but now that I do, I can call him Clark Joseph when he has been a bad superhero.

Clark Kent's boyhood girlfriend's name was Lana Lang. Sounds like a stripper to me. Good thing he ditched her and went with Lois. I'm sure Lana was a slut who would have broken his heart.

Clark and Lois got their first apartment by being put at the top of the tenants list for an apartment that Bruce Wayne owned. It was a wedding gift. You'd think Bruce could have afforded to just give them the apartment, but who am I to judge Batman?

Lois Lane was actually the first Superwoman; I shit you not. She had a dream about acquiring super powers from a blood transfusion from Superman and ended up fighting crime as Superwoman for a while. But I guess it got old (and that biological clock started ticking), so she hung up her tights and popped out some kids.

And finally, I now know Clark's favorite meal is Beef Bourguignon with ketchup. Sounds kinda gross, but hey, to each their own. I don't know, it sounds fattening to me, he better watch it or he won't be able to fit into those cute little tights.

So now I have to sit back and keep waiting for Clark Kent to return from whatever crazy adventure he is on. A green sash? An order form? Milk? And the latest, designer shoes? What kind of clues are these? He obviously doesn't understand that I am way too impatient to use any brainpower to try to figure out his obscure riddle. Hopefully when he gets back he will realize how much we missed him and how we can't live without him and he will never go away again.

Or he might just ban me from his blog...


I'm pretty sure Clark won't ban such a Wise Mommy, in fact, I'm quite sure he's very appreciative for her efforts in trying to locate him. In all that research into the fine details of Clark's past - even finding his favorite meal for goodness sake - the wise and young came across the Seventh Clue: An empty bottle of No Doze lying on the floor. It will come in handy to collect the REWARD OFFER!

Many thanks to The Stiletto Mom for a great post and for rekindling our love for puppets and Phil Collins

Tomorrow: Is Clark Lost In India?


Clark Kent With Heels? - Stiletto Mom!

It's been a full week since the search for Clark Kent started, and even with a handful of clues Clark is nowhere to be found. The citizens of Blogopolis have started getting a little worried in their vigil. MaryAnne, the classy voice of The Stiletto Mom has even started posting fliers on bulletin boards, light poles, and any where she make a few inches of tape or a stapler to work. She even gone so far as to post a few videos in the hopes he might turn up.

Oh Superman Where Are You Now?

I'll admit it, I've been thinking about Clark Kent a lot lately. He is one of my very favorite friends. AND HE IS MISSING. Plus? I've gotten into a couple of bloggy messes in the past few weeks. Normally, he swoops in to save me...lately? NO SUPER HERO ACTION. And I don't know what to do. He helped me get my blog off the ground. Now that I don't know where he is? My hard, cold haute couture heart is broken...

All I know is he disappeared right after the election and hasn't been heard from since. Has he been deployed as some secret weapon to fend off enemy attacks and end wars? Will he fly in and end the recession with a swoop of his red cape? Will he find a way to provide equality for all? More importantly, will he find a way to save us from the evil puppets in this Genesis video?

Great video, but that can't be him. I've never met Clark Kent in person but I sure as hell hope he looks better in tights than old Ronnie did. If not, I'm shallow enough to admit I'm OUTTA HERE. I don't need that visual in my life but I'm glad I could share it with all of you.

So where is he? Is he lying on a beach somewhere basking in the big Obama win? Building Bamalot sand castles? Or has he and Lois finally come to terms and admitted to the world they are in love and run away somewhere together? Wait, they already did that.

I've resorted to searching for him online. I consulted the forums. You? SHOULD NOT. There are some scary ass people out there. I totally made a typo and asked a question using Superman's birth identity. I asked some of the hyper bloggers about where Kal El might be in an effort to up my cool factor on the whole Superman thing...only I accidentally typed Kal Eel. Crap. Yeah that didn't go over so well. One well informed blogger immediately sent a message back in all caps, "SUPERMAN IS NOT A SQUID. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!" Dude, sorry, I was drinking when I wrote that. Sheesh. 

All I can tell you is I've been listening to Five for Fighting WAY TOO MUCH. Also? I've taken to singing it really loud in a woeful manner which isn't helping my case for marital harmony at all as The Man is now clutching his ears while rocking back in forth in a corner, begging for earplugs and shouting for a little Super Hero help himself to make the horrific noise stop. I like to call it singing. He? Likes to call it his PERSONAL KRYPTONITE. Come on now, sing along with me...

I'm not normally like this as most of you know. Clark Kent? It's time to COME BACK NOW from wherever you are. If not to bask in the glow of your following....just to SAVE ME FROM MYSELF one more time.

A concerned plea from a concerned citizen via our old friend Phil Collins. Oh how that takes us back to the days of Reaganomics. Luckily after all her work, The Stiletto Mom has turned up Clue # 6, a pile of Jimmy Choo's and Kenneth Cole shoes. A puzzling development, but after the first five clues, some readers have been able to piece things together and are on the right track. Everyone, however, is still in the hunt for the Reward Offer recently posted. 

Many thanks to DC Urban Dad for his advice from last week.

Tomorrow: Words from the Wise


Where In The World Is Clark Kent: Review The Clues

It's been over a week since the disappearance of Clark Kent and all we have are these clues as to his whereabouts. 

Remember, A reward has been posted for any reader or guest author who can put the clues together and be the first one to figure out Where In The World Is Clark Kent concluding the beginning of December. The winner will have their choice of either "Superman: Living The Super Hero Lifestyle," or "Lois Lane: The Modern Woman's Guide To Life With A Man Of Steel."


The Feds Get Involved - DC Urban Dad

With all of Metropolis (maybe that should be Blogopolis) joined in the search for Clark Kent, a new father takes a break at a nearby bookstore. Matt from DC Urban Dad knows a little something about the newspaper biz working for the Washington Post. This Clark Kent crap is just a marketing gimmick by the Daily Planet to sell a few more papers. Kent's probably playing hot-shot reporter overseas. Matt has far more pressing thoughts on his mind, like being a dad. Who's going to argue with that.

The Crap They Don't Tell Ya….

Dads, let's face guys we tend not to read the instructions.

Hell 90 - 99 % of the time we ignore or even refuse to ask for directions. We just figure we can wing it. Ya know, fly off the cuff.

Who cares if there are 4 extra screws that we cannot find holes for - that desk is sturdy? C'mon we'll make it there eventually right? Directions, I don't need to stinking directions, I am man!!!

Now when it came to the birth of my child, I was the exact opposite. I wanted knowledge. I wanted to know what to expect - what was I getting myself into. And as you know if you have gone through the process there are plenty of manuals / books out there to choose from. Each has a different theory, method, tip, lesson, advice, etc.

But you see there is one small problem. These books only go so deep. They basically are the same thing - they just say it differently.

That's why today with a little of your help, I want to add an extra chapter to all those baby prep books.

Let's call it The Crap They Don't Tell Ya (Dude Edition)

1) Your pregnant wife - ummmmmmmm HOT. Seriously, when my wife was pregnant I was like a teenager all over again if you know what I mean. She is even more beautiful today (bonus points)

2) Nothing goes as planned in the delivery room. End of story. Just go with the flow and be there and I mean really be there.

3) You want to tell everyone you are pregnant. Especially early on and of course ya can't. It's the worst time – all you want to do is beat your chest. Just suck it up for a bit.

4) Who cares what you sing to your kid. With the right tone even Snoop Dogg or Trick Daddy sound like nursery rhymes. If they fall asleep to Gin and Juice, so be it.

5) You WILL do weird stuff in public. I still can't stop blowing raspberries or swaying back and forth. I'm now programmed to do this naturally. If somebody gets in your grill, tell 'em to step off you're a Dad.

6) Guys can get Mom brain and forget things too. Don't beat yourself up about. Just don't forget the important stuff.

7) Evolution does in fact take over. My biggest fear was the floppy-head baby. Never really been good with that. Dude, not beat my chest, but I was a rockstar. You can do it!

8) Minivan not necessary. Don't believe the hype.

9) You don't stop listening to your tunes. I still rock out and plan to continue rocking out. I even bought lullaby versions of U2 and Metallica.

10) Do what works for you, not what the book says. Who cares what someone with a PhD. said just go with the flow and do what works for you. If you kid is thriving and alive and otherwise just peachy, keep on keeping on.

So what say you out there? What would you add to this chapter? What unknown wisdom would you impart to a father to be? What nuggets of knowledge should be in books but is not.

I'm sure Clark would love to debate the minivan controversy, seen as how he just put four new tires on the Kent-mobile. Too bad Urban Dad wasn't around when the first Clark Jr was born, as he could've laughed his head off at Clark for putting all the diapers on backwards during the hospital stay. Now with 3 Clark Jr's & 2 Lois's he just gives them spears and lets them play Lord of the Flies. 

Even though he didn't intend to DC Urban Dad found Clue #5, as he flipped through another parenting book when a small piece of paper fell from the pages. It was a receipt from a local convenience store charging two gallons of milk to a credit card belonging one Clark Kent. At least he's not lactose intolerant, he thinks as he walks out of the bookstore.

And there's been another development after Agent Steenky Bee's wacky post. A reward has officially been posted for any reader or guest author who can put the clues together and be the first one to figure out Where In The World Is Clark Kent concluding the begining of December. The winner will have their choice of either "Superman: Living The Super Hero Lifestyle," or "Lois Lane: The Modern Woman's Guide To Life With A Man Of Steel.

Coming Monday: Which does Clark prefer, Pumps or Flats?


This Mystery Smells! - Steenky Bee

There is even more questions being asked after the reported discovery of a partial order slip discovered by a PI snooping through Clark Kent's desk (he had better have left the red stapler alone). Rumor has it that Metropolis city officials have requested that the government send help. Unidentified sources close to the situation are saying the President has ordered Agent 409 to investigate Clark's dissappearance. Agent 409 is known by friends as Jennifer, but to those who fear her, she is Steenky Bee, a named she earned as a young trainee learning from the famous Agent 86, Maxwell Smart. 

When the man behind Clark Kent's Lunchbox asked me to guest post I didn't hesitate to accept his kind offer. It's not every day that the assumed identity of a super hero asks for your help. I’ve been a huge fan of him ever since I accidentally tripped over his cape and landed on his site months ago. Not only is he faster than a speeding bullet (at returning emails), but he's witty, charming and such a breath of fresh air. As far a super hero blogs go, Clark Kent’s Lunchbox is the best. I mean, sure, I used to be a loyal reader of Peter Parker's Trapper Keeper, but then he became a little too preachy and self-important for my taste. And don’t even get me started on my disillusionment with Bruce Banner’s Backpack. Let's just say that Bruce (a.k.a. "The Hulk") rubbed a majority of his readers the wrong way with his posts on how to achieve financial freedom. I'm sorry, but I'm not taking any advice from a guy who runs around shirtless and in little else but tattered purple he-capri pants.

So, Mr. Kent, being busy saving the world and all, had no time to assign a topic for my guest post. All he told me was to have it to him on a Tuesday, wire money to him immediately and re-trace my steps to be sure that I wasn’t being followed. I've never had anyone request a guest post and a large sum of money in unmarked bills, but then again, I've never dealt with someone who has x-ray vision either. I guess there's a first thing for everything. Mr. CK contacted me covertly via direct message to tell me that he would give me 36 hours notice before my post went up. I can only assume he is either anticipating some world crisis or a bender in Las Vegas. Either way, I’m totally supportive of him in both scenarios.

After I made CK's wire transfer I had Jeremy drive us to a "safe house" just as I'd seen covert agents do in the movies. I chose my next door neighbor's kitchen for our safe house rendezvous. Jeremy pointed out that this was a "stupid" location because it was right next door to very our house. I quickly explained that this was precisely the plan I was going for since anyone following us would never think we would be so dim as to hide out in plain site. Our neighbors, nice as they are, explained that they wanted us to leave as soon as possible because they were in the middle of dinner.

After we were politely shown the way out, Jeremy and I carefully maneuvered the 80 feet stretch of land to our own front door. Actually, I’m the only one that army crawled down the sidewalk and across our lawn. Jeremy kept telling me to get up and stop embarrassing him. I kept yelling at him to “Cover me!”

Once we were safe inside our home I began humming the Superman theme song, or what I thought was the Superman theme song. Jeremy wrinkled his brow and asked me why I was humming the song from Raider’s of the Lost Ark.
Me: That’s not the song from Superman?
Jeremy: No. That’s the tune from those Indiana Jones movies.
Me: Oh! I know, how about this? Da-da-daaaah-da-da-daaaaah-da-da….
Jeremy: No! Now you’re just doing Star Wars. Try again, honey.
Me: Okay then, since you know everything about the score to Superman, why don’t you sing it for me?
Jeremy: Da-da-daaaaaah-da-da-daaaaaah…..Damn it! Now, I’m just humming Star Wars.
Me: *laughing*
Jeremy: *blank stare* Okay, let me concentrate…. Da-da-daaaa…

Our failed attempts to recall the Superman song went on for a good twenty minutes before we eventually gave up. For all of you out there thinking that Jeremy and I are a couple of asshats for not knowing the Superman theme song, well, you’re half right. We ARE asshats for sure, but you try humming that damn song. It’s harder than you think. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

*Still waiting* Not as easy as you thought huh?

Well now that we have that out of the way, let’s get to the real meat of this here guest post. Whenever I’m asked to post on someone else’s web site, I take my assignment quite seriously. Typically, I take a few hours and pour through their previous entries to get a handle on their writing style, check out their preferred topics and to see if I can find any hot buttons that they may have. My writing assignment for CK was no exception. But after spending days re-reading his earliest entries I wound up not only being fascinated by every post I came across, but inevitably I had more questions about our super hero than before I started. I’m embarrassed to admit that I never actually got around to writing my guest post for him. Instead, I spent all my free time jotting down questions for CK and his infamous alter ego.

1. What's the going rate for a fortress these days? I know the cost of a vacation home varies according to location and whatnot, but I am completely in the dark about the fortress market.
2. Exactly what is the difference between a fortress and a layer? Also, are evil layers more expensive than, say just a regular layer?
3. Where did General Zod and his two sidekicks (Superman II) get those awesome thigh-high boots? I just bought a killer black skirt and those boots would be “nails” with them. I would consider it a huge favor if you could call Zod and find out.
4. So what’s with the tights? Spill it there, Kal-el. Is that blue suit a one piece or does the belt somehow connect it together?
5. Do you really wear your super suit under all your clothes? If so, do you have a few super suits that you work into a rotation? What do you do on the weekends? I mean, what if your fortress needs some touch ups? Do you throw on a ratty old t-shirt and sweat pants over your blue suit to re-caulk the shower?
6. Do you have a short-sleeved version of the super suit for the warmer months? Is it wash and wear or dry clean only?
7. Why doesn’t your hair ever move when you’re flying? Don't get me wrong, it’s awesome, in a metrosexual sort of way, but seriously, what’s with the gerri curl, Clark?
8. Are you close friends with any other super heroes? Do you exchange gifts or cards? I guess what I’m getting at is that I would love to have Bruce Wayne’s email address. I have a few questions for him that involve his ridiculous voice and his liberal use of guy-liner.
9. Are the lenses in your glasses prescription or are they just for show? Would you consider upgrading and getting new frames? I’m totally not judging, just throwing it out there.
10. What sort of benefits package do you have at The Daily Planet? Would Superman even need dental?

So there you go. I sure hope CK finds time to answer these and any questions that you all may have for him. Of course, please keep in mind that some things are better left unsaid. Don't make the same mistake I made with Diana Prince (a.k.a. Wonder Woman) when I asked her if "they" were real.

Despite Steenky's lack of focus, she manages to trip over another clue. Lucky for us Agent 409's long suffering husband Jeremy recognizes it as Clue Number 4 - A smelly pair of blue tights stuffed in a trash bag. Hmmmm? Oh, and Agent 409, I'm farily sure Mr. Kent will be answering everyone of your questions - I guarantee it. The same unidentified sources also mentioned there are whispers of a reward to be offered for any reader who can determine Where In The World Is Clark Kent.

Many thanks to Jim "Heinous," private eye - both for taking this case and for messing up Clark's desk.

Tomorrow - Our man in D.C.


Something Heinous Perhaps?

The clues in Clark Kent's disappearance are random and baffling - a dark place, a green sash? And no, he's not in Singapore! As people scratch their heads trying to figure it out, one man goes looking for answers on his own. Donning his fedora and trench coat, Jim "Heinous" from Irregularly Periodic Ruminations (ya, it's a cool title) is hitting the streets of Metropolis and doing what he has to in order to get to the bottom of things.

Hello? Anyone here?

I made it in through the second story window and kicked up a cloud of dust motes that sparkled in the fading evening sun. I looked over to the desk. I could just make out the name plate -- Clark Kent. At least I had the right office.

I made my way to the desk, determined to find out where he had gone to and more importantly -- why. It had to be something big. He was a blogger. He knew how much we depended on his posts.

I moved behind the desk and rolled the chair out. It creaked loudly as I sat in it. There was no one around to catch me, but it was an eerie sound nonetheless in the confines of the abandoned office.

There was a set of glasses on the desk. I held them up -- non prescription. They were a little pretentious for my taste, but I'm sure he wore them well.

Back to business.

I saw a family picture on his desk and nodded. The number one blogger pitfall...the pesky family. Sure, I guess they meant well, but kids are always all, "daddy this," and "daddy that." They had no consideration at all for a blogger trying to get a post out. Spouses were they same way unless, they too, were bloggers. I briefly wondered how kids fended for themselves if that was the case.

Hmm...I should do a post on that. Wait, I was getting sidetracked.

I didn't get the sense that the family thing was the issue here though. He is after all, a super dad and husband. There was little chance he didn't have it all covered in that area.

The sun had gotten low so I had to pull out my flashlight to see the papers on the desk. They were in neat, orderly piles.

I tore through them.

I stopped at a brochure for a family vacation. There's another time sink. Vacations and holidays. It was too early for heavy-duty Thanksgiving prep.

Hey, I should consider a blog entry on that too. Thats always good stuff. Dammit. Focus, Jim, eyes on the prize.

I guessed holidays were out as an excuse. I also had the feeling he would have arranged guest bloggers if he had planned a vacation. It's what all the cool kids do. Clark is hip enough to know that.

I moved on.

Bills. Holy crap! $38.50 to dry clean the cape! He needs to find another dry cleaner. Someone was taking advantage of his good side.

Hmm, perhaps he was working hard on some sort of project to deal with the bills. You know...since blogging is such a lucrative endeavor. That could be it. I looked through his drawers for evidence. Ooh, a new 2 carat diamond ring for Lois. Good for her. (You can never say I didn't try for you, Lois.)

Nothing. I sat back and thought while eating the candy bar I had found (you really didn't need those calories; you're welcome.)That didn't mean there wasn't a big project taking him away from his bloggy friends, but this was Superman. Other forces could be at play here. I had to find out for sure.

I walked to the window I had come in through. I cast a glance back and realized I had left his desk in shambles. Um...yeah...sorry about that. Oh, look at the time. Besides, I'm sure the girls would love to take care of it for him and show how helpful they are.

I had important work to do.

Jim's digging pays off as he discovers behind Clark's desk Clue #3 - An Order Form where 10 Boxes of something, 20 of another and 15 boxes of a third item has been requested from "GS" but the form is ripped in half so what the boxes are and from whom is unknown. Hmmm... A dark place, green sash and half an order form?

Many thanks to Deborah and her class for yesterday's post, even though they did sell Clark out for a handful of Goldfish Crackers...

Tomorrow: Something doesn't smell right about this. It's Steenky even...


Clark Kent Drunk? - Vodka Mom

Tips have started coming in concerning the disappearance of Clark Kent. Unconfirmed reports even claimed a man fitting Mr. Kent's description was witnessed staggering out of a bar near the Daily Planet several days ago. Authorities are skeptical, however, since none of the witnesses have been able to agree on the name of the bar.

In the mean time, fearless kindergarten teacher Deborah (AKA "Vodka Mom") from I Need A Martini Mom has volunteered to join in the search for Kent, bringing along with her the pupils from one of the most hysterical kindergarten classes this side of Metropolis... well she attempted to anyway.

Boys and Girls, today we are going on a field trip. 

“A field trip? I went on a trip once. We went to Florida.”

“Florida? My grandmother lives in Florida."

“My grandmother has old-timers. She visited her last weekend.” 

“I’m gonna visit my nona on Thanksgiving.”

“We’re not talking about THANKSGIVING again, are we Mrs. Patrick?” 

“No, don’t worry boys and girls, Today, we are going on a field trip to find out what happened a friend of mine. His name is Clark Kent. Who can tell me who Clark Kent is??” I asked.

“He’s batman!”

“No, he plays baseball! He’s a baseball player.”

“He’s on T.V."

“He’s the Penn State Quarterback!"

“I don’t really like football.”

“Is he someone who sings with Kelly Clarkson?”

“Can I go to the bathroom? I have to go potty.”

“Yes, Anthony, PLEASE go to the bathroom. Don’t forget to point! Now, boys and girls, Clark Kent is Superman. Do you know who Superman is?”

A chorus erupted in the crowd. 

“Yeah! Yeah! We know who he is.” The class shouted at me. 

Drew, “Yeah, I know him. But I like Ironman better. He has an awesomer costume. Can we go find him instead??”

Ruthii: I have great idea. Next summer when it’s nice out, let’s get a big, big bus that has seats that go way back, and we’ll go find Ironman. Now, is it snacktime yet???”

Sorry Clark, wherever you are, we won’t be searching for you until next summer. Gotta go, the kids are ripping the snack bags apart!!!

Oh well, Deborah, you tried your best. It doesn't sound like the class would've recognized Clark Kent if he showed up ready to share snacks. By the way, Jim's guess of looking in his fridge wasn't a bad idea, I'll bet it is dark and scary in there. Clue number two is a green sash

Tune in tomorrow to see if something Heinous has happened to Clark.


Where In The World Is Clark Kent: Introduction

Word on the street is Clark Kent's gone and no one's quite sure where he went. Some people are missing a laugh in their day, some just kinda miss him . . . a little.

Theories have surfaced from the blogging community. It's a Matt Lauer thing and he'll come back bald (Steenky, are you serious?). He's chained in the basement of a smokin' hot female evil genius (don't tell Lois). A run to the cleaners to get his tights, and a penguin abduction (You didn't see anything. Smile and wave boys, just smile and wave). 

Until Clark surfaces some his best blogging friends are jumping in to help with the search. Over the course of several days readers will be treated to a number of fun bloggers and great people showcasing their blogging style. If you enjoy what you read take the time to tell them so and check out their own blogs for more. 

Clark is very thankful, and I'm sure he would tell them so if he were around. But the first clue we have is that he's trapped in some place dark. Tune in tomorrow for more on Clark's whereabouts and another clue. 


Where In The World Is Clark Kent?

METROPOLIS - AP  It would seem Clark Kent has gone missing. No one has claimed to have seen or heard from him in almost two weeks. Rumors abound. Did he join the Foreign Legion? Has he given it all up in order to become a Tibetan Monk? Or is he on a trip to South Africa with Dave Chappelle? 

With Kent nowhere to be found, people have important questions surrounding his mysterious disappearance like who's picking up his mail and feeding the fish? But the biggest question is, who is packing Clark Kent's Lunchbox? We can only speculate. More on this startling development next week as we hear from Kent's friends and family. In the mean time, everyone is left wondering...



It's All My Fault

I'm sure everyone's seen this already but I just wanted to apologize for the way things turned out.

For regular readers, I'm elbow deep in a project and will be back soon.

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