This Mystery Smells! - Steenky Bee

There is even more questions being asked after the reported discovery of a partial order slip discovered by a PI snooping through Clark Kent's desk (he had better have left the red stapler alone). Rumor has it that Metropolis city officials have requested that the government send help. Unidentified sources close to the situation are saying the President has ordered Agent 409 to investigate Clark's dissappearance. Agent 409 is known by friends as Jennifer, but to those who fear her, she is Steenky Bee, a named she earned as a young trainee learning from the famous Agent 86, Maxwell Smart. 

When the man behind Clark Kent's Lunchbox asked me to guest post I didn't hesitate to accept his kind offer. It's not every day that the assumed identity of a super hero asks for your help. I’ve been a huge fan of him ever since I accidentally tripped over his cape and landed on his site months ago. Not only is he faster than a speeding bullet (at returning emails), but he's witty, charming and such a breath of fresh air. As far a super hero blogs go, Clark Kent’s Lunchbox is the best. I mean, sure, I used to be a loyal reader of Peter Parker's Trapper Keeper, but then he became a little too preachy and self-important for my taste. And don’t even get me started on my disillusionment with Bruce Banner’s Backpack. Let's just say that Bruce (a.k.a. "The Hulk") rubbed a majority of his readers the wrong way with his posts on how to achieve financial freedom. I'm sorry, but I'm not taking any advice from a guy who runs around shirtless and in little else but tattered purple he-capri pants.

So, Mr. Kent, being busy saving the world and all, had no time to assign a topic for my guest post. All he told me was to have it to him on a Tuesday, wire money to him immediately and re-trace my steps to be sure that I wasn’t being followed. I've never had anyone request a guest post and a large sum of money in unmarked bills, but then again, I've never dealt with someone who has x-ray vision either. I guess there's a first thing for everything. Mr. CK contacted me covertly via direct message to tell me that he would give me 36 hours notice before my post went up. I can only assume he is either anticipating some world crisis or a bender in Las Vegas. Either way, I’m totally supportive of him in both scenarios.

After I made CK's wire transfer I had Jeremy drive us to a "safe house" just as I'd seen covert agents do in the movies. I chose my next door neighbor's kitchen for our safe house rendezvous. Jeremy pointed out that this was a "stupid" location because it was right next door to very our house. I quickly explained that this was precisely the plan I was going for since anyone following us would never think we would be so dim as to hide out in plain site. Our neighbors, nice as they are, explained that they wanted us to leave as soon as possible because they were in the middle of dinner.

After we were politely shown the way out, Jeremy and I carefully maneuvered the 80 feet stretch of land to our own front door. Actually, I’m the only one that army crawled down the sidewalk and across our lawn. Jeremy kept telling me to get up and stop embarrassing him. I kept yelling at him to “Cover me!”

Once we were safe inside our home I began humming the Superman theme song, or what I thought was the Superman theme song. Jeremy wrinkled his brow and asked me why I was humming the song from Raider’s of the Lost Ark.
Me: That’s not the song from Superman?
Jeremy: No. That’s the tune from those Indiana Jones movies.
Me: Oh! I know, how about this? Da-da-daaaah-da-da-daaaaah-da-da….
Jeremy: No! Now you’re just doing Star Wars. Try again, honey.
Me: Okay then, since you know everything about the score to Superman, why don’t you sing it for me?
Jeremy: Da-da-daaaaaah-da-da-daaaaaah…..Damn it! Now, I’m just humming Star Wars.
Me: *laughing*
Jeremy: *blank stare* Okay, let me concentrate…. Da-da-daaaa…

Our failed attempts to recall the Superman song went on for a good twenty minutes before we eventually gave up. For all of you out there thinking that Jeremy and I are a couple of asshats for not knowing the Superman theme song, well, you’re half right. We ARE asshats for sure, but you try humming that damn song. It’s harder than you think. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

*Still waiting* Not as easy as you thought huh?

Well now that we have that out of the way, let’s get to the real meat of this here guest post. Whenever I’m asked to post on someone else’s web site, I take my assignment quite seriously. Typically, I take a few hours and pour through their previous entries to get a handle on their writing style, check out their preferred topics and to see if I can find any hot buttons that they may have. My writing assignment for CK was no exception. But after spending days re-reading his earliest entries I wound up not only being fascinated by every post I came across, but inevitably I had more questions about our super hero than before I started. I’m embarrassed to admit that I never actually got around to writing my guest post for him. Instead, I spent all my free time jotting down questions for CK and his infamous alter ego.

1. What's the going rate for a fortress these days? I know the cost of a vacation home varies according to location and whatnot, but I am completely in the dark about the fortress market.
2. Exactly what is the difference between a fortress and a layer? Also, are evil layers more expensive than, say just a regular layer?
3. Where did General Zod and his two sidekicks (Superman II) get those awesome thigh-high boots? I just bought a killer black skirt and those boots would be “nails” with them. I would consider it a huge favor if you could call Zod and find out.
4. So what’s with the tights? Spill it there, Kal-el. Is that blue suit a one piece or does the belt somehow connect it together?
5. Do you really wear your super suit under all your clothes? If so, do you have a few super suits that you work into a rotation? What do you do on the weekends? I mean, what if your fortress needs some touch ups? Do you throw on a ratty old t-shirt and sweat pants over your blue suit to re-caulk the shower?
6. Do you have a short-sleeved version of the super suit for the warmer months? Is it wash and wear or dry clean only?
7. Why doesn’t your hair ever move when you’re flying? Don't get me wrong, it’s awesome, in a metrosexual sort of way, but seriously, what’s with the gerri curl, Clark?
8. Are you close friends with any other super heroes? Do you exchange gifts or cards? I guess what I’m getting at is that I would love to have Bruce Wayne’s email address. I have a few questions for him that involve his ridiculous voice and his liberal use of guy-liner.
9. Are the lenses in your glasses prescription or are they just for show? Would you consider upgrading and getting new frames? I’m totally not judging, just throwing it out there.
10. What sort of benefits package do you have at The Daily Planet? Would Superman even need dental?

So there you go. I sure hope CK finds time to answer these and any questions that you all may have for him. Of course, please keep in mind that some things are better left unsaid. Don't make the same mistake I made with Diana Prince (a.k.a. Wonder Woman) when I asked her if "they" were real.

Despite Steenky's lack of focus, she manages to trip over another clue. Lucky for us Agent 409's long suffering husband Jeremy recognizes it as Clue Number 4 - A smelly pair of blue tights stuffed in a trash bag. Hmmmm? Oh, and Agent 409, I'm farily sure Mr. Kent will be answering everyone of your questions - I guarantee it. The same unidentified sources also mentioned there are whispers of a reward to be offered for any reader who can determine Where In The World Is Clark Kent.

Many thanks to Jim "Heinous," private eye - both for taking this case and for messing up Clark's desk.

Tomorrow - Our man in D.C.

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