Showing posts with label The Kent's (Family). Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Kent's (Family). Show all posts

Adventures In Going Gluten-Free

I never suspected that 39 would be the age when I had to consider that I may actually be mortal.

Not that I'm a Greek god, but at six-foot one, 190 pounds (give or take), my body's always been naturally fit -- until recently anyway. Over the course of the past 10 months, I've experienced recurring back problems, suffered from chronic fatigue and been diagnosed with astigmatism. I feel this is fundamentally unfair, especially considering that at 39, Brad Pitt hadn't even married Jennifer Aniston, let alone thought about playing daddy to six children with Angelina Jolie. And yet, here he is nearly a decade -- a decade -- older than I am and still flaunting sit-up-free abs that could be mistaken for rumble strips, while mine are starting to resemble something closer to a single, large speed bump!

My most recent ailment has been the addition of an intolerance to gluten. This should've come as no surprise given that the hereditary nature of this autoimmune disease means a sizable portion of my mother's side of the family already deals with this minor inconvenience. Aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, young and old, are affected by the gluten gene or some form of it. And even though it's shown up at varied stages of our lives, like a coven of vampires who can trace their origins back to a single point of origin, we all agree that our vampire creator is Grandma. Of course, no one blames her -- these things can't be controlled -- and furthermore, after two colonoscopies, I can attest to the fact that Grandma... continue reading




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Work and Play: How I Trick My Kids

Note the absence of grass in TX 
Summer’s that time of year when everyone gets all gung-ho about mowing, hedging, mulching, fertilizing, watering and so forth. Well, maybe not everyone. I, for one, loathe yard work—thus debunking the existence of that green-thumb utopia that national home improvement chains portray in TV ads, where happy couples exchange blissful, satisfied smiles after spending the day creating the Hanging Gardens of Babylon in their front yard. Pffft! Whatever.

Granted, I realize that for some people, this is “their thing.” My father, for example, derives an exorbitant amount of joy—sometimes, in my opinion, bordering on psychotic—when it comes to landscaping/gardening related endeavors, which may also be at the root of my personal disdain for such home improvement projects in general.

Many times, I thought my dad to be insane. Some people hoard junk; he amasses small parcels of land for more shrubs and sod. At last count we estimated that, combined, the yard and vegetable garden amounted to nearly three acres of land, the entirety of which my sisters and I were well acquainted with after years of tending to it. Summers in particular were the worst, not because of the heat, but rather from the list of daily tasks our father would leave for us on a folded note that greeted us at the breakfast table.




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Siblings

One of my favorite writing opportunities I'm lucky to be a part of is for the Let's Play community. Let's Play is a partnership between Dr Pepper/Snapple and KaBOOM, a non-profit organization dedicated to getting kids to play (and not video games either). This is a short post about siblings at play.

My siblings and I during much younger days
When it comes to how well my children get along, I consider myself lucky. Sure they have their fair share of spats, but the nature and frequency of these moments would, I suppose, fall under the category of “normal” – if there is such a thing. (Then again, none of my five kids are teenagers either, so there is plenty of time for arguments in the future!) For the moment, though, I’ll gladly take a tiff about a video game selection or a toy’s legal owner over, say, a knock-down, drag-out involving the same girl- or boyfriend. (With a 12 year-old, two nine year-olds, an eight year-old, and an almost seven year-old, I am not naïve enough to think this won’t someday happen. Sigh.)

Until that near apocalyptic event occurs, however, I’m storing away mental images of the kids pretending to be Star Wars characters as they chase each other around the Galactic cul-de sac on their speeder bikes. Sometimes they are one big bunch; at others, they break down into groups of two or three and go off in separate directions. After a while, everyone switches, and they reform based on who wants to play volleyball and who wants to dig holes in the flower garden.

Read the conclusion at Let's Play


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A Rarity, A Project, A Cause

My Inspiration for this project 
Rarely do I ever directly ask for help. Ask my wife. She'll repeatedly off to lend me a hand as I run around with my hair on fire trying to finish 87,000 projects and assignments, only to watch me slam into a proverbial wall where I finally crash and burn. Even then she'll offer yet again, and I'll still turn her down. I have no idea where this comes from--pride, ego, stupidity, an irrational fear of relaxing? Who knows.

If the statistical chances of letting my wife do me a favor are on par with TheJackB and Daddy Files flip-flopping their respective love for Lakers and Celtics, then the odds of a number 18 seed winning the NCAA men's basketball championship are higher than me asking others for help. Well, get ready because not only will TheJackB dress up like a leprechaun and Daddy Files being rooting alongside Jack Nicholson, but Sister Mary's School of the Blind be cutting down the nets in Houston ...maybe. We'll see, but in any case, I'm going to request your help.

Click Here
Another anomaly is for me is to promote products, events or programs, but when I saw the Wear the Pants Project run by Dockers, I had to admit it was more than I could resist. The longs and (mostly) short of it is I have a chance to complete a project I've been working on for nearly two years aimed at being a part of school literacy programs. This project is deeply personal as the video I made will explain.

All I'm asking is that you go to my Facebook page on the Dockers Wear the Pants Project and vote for me, and secondly, after you've voted would you please share this with your networks. You can also vote multiple times--once a day in fact. If you happen to do this, I would be exceedingly greatly. Also, I'll apologize in advance for bombarding everyone with this from now until the 15th of March.

And, hey guys, I encourage you to post an entry of your own. If you do, I'll vote for it--just let me know by including the link and your idea in the comments section to this post (that way it gets a little more visibility here too). Hey, I know help is two-way street.



Oh, and if any 18th seed wins the March Madness tourney this year, remember, I called it here first.

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Angels and Demons: Part 1 "Sparky"



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In my lone post of 2011 thus far I mentioned working on a secret project, and well, this is it. I know, real let down, huh? Doing an audio blog post is certainly nothing new as guys like The Jack B, and others have already been cranking 'em out. But with there being so many sites out there, I thought maybe I'd try diversifying the delivery of my content. And basically, this how a blog post sounds in my head amid the other voices coming from my morning bowl of Rice Krispies.So anyway. Gather 'round the radio just like they did in Golden Age of Superman, get comfortable and enjoy this adventurous tale of a visit to a small town in Oklahoma--the first of a three-part series entitled Angels and Demons.

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Christmas Lights: A Holiday Card To You

Christmas Lights


When we moved into our house this past summer one of the first things out of my wife, Ashley’s mouth was an enthusiastic remark about being able to put up Christmas lights.

Ah, come on people. As if it wasn’t already bad enough that I needed a lawnmower and had to keep straight the trash pickup days. Now another article in the unconditional terms of the Suburban Surrender Treaty was being stipulated for me to accept. Calculating the cost of an extension ladder required to reach the roof’s overhang prompted the reminder that I would have to clean the gutters on a regular basis too.

“Hey, there’s already hooks for you to use,” my stepdaughter Allie said pointing toward the front entry.

My head immediately dropped, a response that's practically become a reflex for me anymore.

House or no house, stringing up Christmas lights never ranked high on my lifetime list of domestic to-do’s. As a boy growing up, I don’t recall my family doing much exterior decorating for the holidays, at least not beyond a traditional, hand-made wreath constructed from ground pine from the nearby woods. At some point later on, my mother started placing a solitary plastic candle in each of the windows, but then she’d leave them up year round, so technically speaking these don’t qualify as Christmas lights.

In any case, the annual hanging of holiday lights just wasn’t that important to us and thus, never earned a spot among the pantheon of our family’s regular holiday traditions. In the off chance my sisters or I did raise the issue, however, our parents’ standard response was to challenge us with the moral dilemma of should they spend money on flashy lights and cartoon reindeer or on our gifts. End of discussion.

I have now adopted this pat comeback whenever my stepdaughters ask me the same thing. It’s enough to silence them for the moment, but yet it fails to deter their long-term persistence, especially Allie who is becoming quite the master of passive aggressive behavior as evidenced by the long, doleful sighs she lets out as we drive through the neighborhood.

Meanwhile the residents in our community appear to be on some sort of mission from God in their attempt to celebrate the Christ child’s birth by taking down the city’s power grid. In other words, these mega-watt, burnt offerings serve as the ultimate reminder for Allie and her high need for keeping up with the Joneses …and the Smiths …and the Gomezes. It’s become so annoying that I’ve started zigzagging along a harrowing eighteen-mile route through our subdivision just to avoid the gaudiest and most extravagant yuletide yard displays. A ten foot snow globe with Santa on a motorcycle and psychedelic laser lights? Really?! Where do people get this stuff? Baby Jesus would be so proud.

I forget, though, that simple acts like transforming your house into the facade of a Las Vegas casino in a humble show of the Christmas spirit represent different things for Allie and me. In my mind, stringing up blinking lights and then syncing them to the power-charged stylings of Mannheim Steamroller signals another blow to my cosmopolitan elitism by the hands of suburban conformity. To Allie, however, this is how life was intended to be. It’s the life she dreams of.

For an eight year-old, Allie has endured more upheaval than any kid should at that age. The safety of the world Allie knew as a toddler was shattered when her parents divorced. She’s had to move from apartment to apartment about fifty times, and the only consistent aspect of her experiences has been the inconsistency of it, a sad fact that also includes the failures by some of the people she’s needed most to be there for her, namely her biological father who possess a chronic aversion to committing to his paternal role.

Deep inside, Allie knows this isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. Little girls are supposed to live houses and wake up in their own bedroom. They’re supposed to have friends at school and be in gymnastics and have regular evening meals with a mom and a dad sitting at the table. They’re supposed to sip on hot cocoa and listen to holiday music as they open gifts on Christmas morning. And they’re supposed to have lights.

Despite my bah-humbug attitude, I understand Allie’s need for the life that’s supposed to be, and so, a few weekends ago, I rummaged through the disaster that is my garage, hoping to scrounge up a set of working lights left over from my and Ashley’s wedding reception. The tangled bunch I managed to fine were nothing special, just the plain white ones with short strands that dangle freely in a fashion meant to imitate hanging icicles. By comparison they were a paltry at best, and as I finished fastening them to the pre-set hooks Allie had noticed months earlier, a slight feeling of guilt came over me. I wished I could afford to hang more. 

Then I heard the front door open. It was Allie. I had asked my wife earlier to keep Allie preoccupied because I wanted to surprise her, but apparently my stepdaughter had seen me through the window and came to investigate. Now she stood in the doorway, rocking back and forth on her bare feet, a smile on her face. 

I folded my arms and signaled upward with my eyes. “Well, goofball, what do you think?”

Allie didn’t say a word. Instead, she wrapped her arms around my waist and hugged me …the way families are supposed to. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS




On behalf of my entire family I'd like to wish you and your family a Merry Christmas. We hope you enjoyed our little Christmas card video. We'd also like to wish you a Happy New Year as this will be the Lunchbox's last post for 2010.

I'll be taking a blogging holiday until the middle of January 2011, when Clark Kent's Lunchbox will return with a whole new look while also taking an whole new approach in content. Until then, see ya.

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Happy Thanksgiving

Just wanted to wish everyone and their families a Happy Thanksgiving.



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Grandparents: Like A Boss (But Not)

This post is from my September  "Back Talk" column in the grandparents issue of Houston Family Magazine.

Grandparents: Like a Boss (But Not)


When it comes to family, I liken grandparents to blue-collar, union supervisors sitting atop the seniority ladder. They’ve been around forever; can do as they please; and are virtually untouchable. Don’t get me wrong; I mean this with the utmost respect. Grandparents have earned their position, what with all the diapers, Band-Aids, laundry, throw up, homework, teenage rebellion, etc that we junior workers at Adult World Inc. are still fumbling around with on the conveyor belt of child-rearing.

I have to mention that there’s a distinction in referring to grandparents as supervisors as opposed to managers who in this case would actually be …well, this isn’t a perfect analogy. Still, my point here is that grandparents, like supervisors, stand nearby sipping their coffee while watching us work as parents. Sometimes they will give us a pat on the back. Other times they might offer some piece of unsolicited advice when the situations warrants. 

Okay, I know what you’re thinking here: “My ‘supervisor’ is always giving me their two cents, even when I don’t want it.” That’s going to happen, especially if it means the grandparents will come off like the proverbial good guys. This is a regular occurrence in our home too. When my stepdaughter’s Ga Ga comes over for a visit, it’s a sure bet some variation of the following exchange will take place.

Stepdaughters: Mom, can we do such and such?

Girls’ Mother: No, you may not do such and such.

Ga Ga: I think you should let them do such and such.

Girls’ Mother: But you never let me do such and such at their age.

Ga Ga: What? Yes I did.

Girls’ Mother: No you didn’t!

Ga Ga: You’re making that up.

Stepdaughters: Isn’t that lying, Mommy?

Typically this is the moment when Ga Ga, sporting a sly grin, volunteers to take the girls for the afternoon—an proposition no sane parent could refuse—only to return several hours later after buying more toys than the girls can carry in a single trip. This also serves as a prime example of my thoughts in saying that grandparents do as they please.

I’m guessing that grandparents do this for a couple reasons, payback being one of them. Remember all those times when you were acting like a pill and your parents said that they hoped you would have ten kids just like you? Spoiling the kids, ignoring you, grandparenting with impunity—it’s all intended to see those earlier hopes become a reality. In fact, I think that grandparents actually believe they are making us better parents by employing the what-can’t-kill-you-only-makes-you-stronger paradigm which demands they instigate civil unrest via the grandkids and then leave it for us to quell.

When I was five, my grandparents took me along to the grocery store where they bought me one of those cheep, plastic toy horns—you know, the kind that plays three solitary, atonal notes at decibels levels only Louis Armstrong could blow in announcing the Second Coming. After my grandparents handed me that horn, they dropped me off at home and hightailed it out of there as if they had just ignited a short fuse on large bomb. I had no sooner signaled the beginning of the Apocalypse with an explosive rendition of “Muskrat Ramble” when I felt a hand rip that horn from my lips, never to be heard from again. Looking back now, I can see my grandma and grandpa giggling as they pulled out of the driveway that night knowing full well what they had done.

But really, what can any of us do to stop a grandparent? It’s not like you can notify your union rep. Even non-family members are reticent to take them on as was the case with my other grandma. She loved watching me play basketball in high school, and of course, was a fervent fan—a little too fervent. As I fought against a defender for a spot under the basket during one game, Grandma stood up in the bleachers and shouted that I should—and I quote— “Knock that dumb kid on his…” well, you get the idea. No one dared to confront dear, sweet Grandma. My mother, on the other hand, received quite a few dirty looks, and I recall bearing the brunt of more than my usual share of cheap shots on the court. Grandma, meanwhile, enjoyed the evening unscathed. 

Admittedly, I’m jealous of grandparents and all their perks. If I armed my kids with an obnoxious toy and then left them at their grandparents for a sleepover, it’s likely they would be returned to me before evening’s end like a bad rental movie to Blockbuster. What’s more, I would still end up being the bad guy. But in another sense I’m okay with that. Despite my silly analogy comparing grandparents to bosses, they really are not. They are loving, generous and warm, and I’m thankful my children have grandparents like this. They are just what my kids need. 

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A Dad's Resume As Read By His Son

I wrote this post a few years back, but the sentiment behind hold no less weight today than it did when I first published it.


As I sat at my desk thinking about my father, I remembered his resume that mom sent me to fix up. I had read through it a few times before thinking of ways to rearrange the formatting and beef up the content, noting how modest my father was in conveying his occupational expertise. When I tried to talk to him before about updating the details he became elusive and a little annoyed.

Normally, that behavior would be frustrating but I understood what he was thinking since downplaying accomplishments and talents is a hallmark of his. As such, the resume sat dormant, relegated to a few gigabyte of information in a hard drive somewhere, until I thought about it as part of my Father's Day reflections. Looking at it as a son, I realized how much I've learned about being a man through the few short lines outlining my father's professional life.

EDUCATION:

HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA 1967 Randolph-East Mead High School

A good education was something always recognized by both my parents who both attended college, but were unable to finish. What I really learned from my dad in this short snippet of information, however, was about sacrifice. Even though we lived by modest means, my sisters and I never went without. We always had what we needed to include a private education that my father worked hard and sacrificed his time to earn for us. Today I see so many fathers who won't sacrifice even an afternoon of their own time for their kids and yet I had a dad who gave up time, money and opportunities year after year so his children could have the best he could offer.

EXPERIENCE:

ELECTRICIAN 1995-PRESENT
Journeyman electrician with experience working alone and supervising other workers as a general laborer, material handler, and conduit installer, as well as operating forklifts, manlifts and bucket trucks. Over 600 hours of classroom instruction, now a teacher in the electrical program.


My dad is hands down the hardest working guy I know. He's approaching retirement age and yet I still hear stories of how he runs circles around younger guys in a profession that is physically demanding. A lot of guys his age are content to waste as much of their time as they can drinking coffee and BS'ing with co-workers about the ills of society, like why they can't get disability to help them pay for another dozen donuts. While these guys are running at the mouth, my dad is doing his job and theirs, and doing it quicker and more accurately than they. Because of this work-ethic, he's been offered chances for more responsibility, but he keeps turning them down - not because he's afraid of it, but because my dad prefers to get a job done right and have something to show for it rather than get bogged down in the politics surrounding it.




BUSINESS OWNER 1971-1995
Co-owner of family business, a lawn, garden and agricultural supply store. Duties ranged from warehouse/grinder man to President of Corporation. Company grew from one location with annual sales of $360,000 to six locations with annual sales reaching $3,500,000.


From almost the time I was born until just after I left home, my Dad worked in a family owned and operated agri-business. He and his brothers started it after their dad - my grandfather - got laid off from a factory job and needed a place to work. My Dad was the youngest of the five brothers, and yet he took charge when the time called for it. It had to be uncomfortable, and there always was an easy way out, but my Dad stuck it out. He was loyal to his family and to his employees.

One of the hardest jobs I ever had was working for my father in the business. I say it was hard because Dad wasn't about to let me be "the boss's kid." I used to hate it, but I later realized what he was teaching me. Not only that, I learned what it meant to set a positive example. Dad was a favorite of all those he worked with. He was personable, sincere and fair. I don't know how many times I watched him unload an entire truck load of fertilizer, or corn, or dog food in the middle of the summer. While others sat in an air-conditioned office, Dad would be sweating in the back of a rig, even when he was president of the corporation.


SPECIAL FORCES RECON TEAM LEADER 1968-1971
United States Army Laos & Cambodia: Completed two tours during the Vietnam War, led classified operations as a team leader and was honorably discharged. Awarded the BRONZE STAR for meritorious achievement in ground operations against hostile forces.


These few sentences don't convey the half of it. Even today, with the books and movies coming out, Dad remains low-key on his service as a Green Beret in the Army. Dad never had to say much for me to realize how important that funny hat perched at the top of the bookcase was and how much it symbolized. As I got older and fished out more and more stories from him, I new what I wanted to be when I grew up.

There were times when no one was around that I would take his beret and practice snappy salutes in front of the mirror. When you're a kid, what you see is the adventure and danger, but what I came to realize after I became a soldier myself is the cliche behind that kind of reasoning. What my dad (and many like him) had was a desire to be a part of something bigger than himself, and yet to express that sentiment openly would in some ways blunt the sincerity behind it. To talk of being noble is only talk. The true definition of it only comes through action without an expectation for recognition.

This showed to me how I am to act in every situation. As I've talked with my Dad about some tough circumstances in my own life, he has remarked that he wouldn't even know how to deal with what I was going through. However, the truth of the matter is, I wouldn't know how to deal with it either had I not had the example my father set for me in how to act honorably, even when you make mistakes.




DISTINCTIONS
4 Children (1 Son, 3 Girls), all happily married 10 Grandchildren (4 Grandsons, 4 Granddaughters, 2 Step-Granddaughters)


I know these aren't the typical distinctions for a resume, but they are the right criteria for the man I'm writing about. I've heard my dad lament more than once over the belief he didn't do enough, but the fact of the matter is he (along with mom) did all he was capable of doing, which is a great deal compared to an average guy. What he's done has paid off with a happy set of kids, and grandkids, as well as one swell wife. My father, like all dads, had his moments of imperfection, but but no one will ever say he didn't work his hardest or put his needs ahead of his family's.




Cards have their place this time of year. In a card I get to express to Dad my appreciation and love for him and then it goes into a shoe box where it will spend the future with many year's worth of other cards from me. With a blog, however, I get to share who my dad is with the world, and, at the same time, I also have the chance to express my appreciation and love for the man greatly responsible for making me who I am today. Thanks Dad. I love you.

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The Average Mom: Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all of the great and wonderful moms out there. This is an older post from a while back, but it has no less meaning in the expression of gratitude for my mother.

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When you have a mom as interesting as mine, there's no way you can let Mother's Day pass without writing a little something about her. Now, when I say interesting, I don't mean she has the world's largest collection of Hummel Figurines, or she's a fugitive, hiding out from the government for blowing up a university lab thought to be conducting military testing for the Johnson administration. I suppose there a handful of people out that would think those things very cool, but my mom is interesting for the plane and simple fact she's my mom (that, and because I have no idea how she managed to deal with the shenanigans instigated by my sisters and I over the years).

My earliest memory of my mother would have been my second Christmas (making me about a year and 9 months). Actually, it would've been Christmas Eve, as I watched her from the living room part of our trailer house making another batches of holiday cookies. I'm not sure why this particular memory is my first, but I'd like to believe as I watched her I knew I was safe and loved. I'm sure my mom has many other memories of me predating that one, but the one I seem to hear the most often is when we sat together in the basement of the Blooming Valley Methodist Church singing children's songs before Sunday School was to begin. According to her, right in the middle of "Jesus Loves Me" I thrust my finger about two inches from her face revealing an enormous booger of baffling proportions.

"Where do I put this, Mom?" I asked. I guess I just figured with all the other problems she solved, booger disposal seemed only natural.

My mom has a creative gene in her that she has passed to all of her children. It seems she is always vested in one project or another - most of which involved her creating something with her hands. Sewing is the talent she is best known for, having stitched up any number of items ranging from antique doll dresses and all my three sister's school clothes, to the furniture in need of reupholstering and the occasional Halloween costume and . She quilts without a machine, and everyone gets one for their wedding or the birth of a child. Beyond this, mom has done ceramics, mosaics, country crafts, and a host of other things I'm probably not aware of (origami, cup stacking and decorative pipe bombs).

I have been lucky enough to receive her talent for painting and drawing, as it's her paintings from before she was married that made me think I could paint too. I also inherited something else: a screw-ball sense of humor. A while back we were talking on the phone and she mentioned some papers she had written in college - ones she didn't take that seriously and decided to interject her own slants on the matter. The more she talked the more evident it became that satire runs quietly in her blood.

Growing up through high school seems a blur. Like everyone else at that age I was just as self-absorbed in processing my transition into adulthood, which means I probably missed the many times my mom went above and beyond or out of her way to guide me. Still, there are a few memories that stick out. During some of my big basketball and soccer games, she would somehow manage to sneak in a card or a note telling me how proud she was, along with a reminder to just relax and enjoy myself. I don't know if I ever told her, but those notes meant allot and even more so for the act itself, not just what was said. For some, having their mother show up to a game is a more than enough, but that extra step of offering written encouragement made me feel pretty special as her son.

Of course there's a backlash effect accompanying her love for me as I performed in the sports arena. No one got to talk trash about my mama. During a soccer game a member of the opposing team alluding to being an acquaintance of my mother's to which I promptly responded by tripping him and them stomping on his neck with my soccer cleat. He was carried off the field and I was given a yellow card. On another occasion I was playing in a pre-season basketball game when I and my opponent dove for a loose ball. As we grappled for control, he commented on mother's reproductive preferences. I merely smiled as I got up off the floor, and then swung my knee into the side of his head knocking him unconscious. Needless to say I spent the next three quarters and the bus ride home alone, accompanied by only my sister who was the team manager. She understood why it's impolite to discuss our mother in the middle of a game.


As an adult I know there was some anxiety on my mother's part as she watched her "Pookie"--her nickname for me which she still calls me today--set off into the big, bad world. Even far away and with my sisters to give her plenty to focus on, my mom was there for me. This was never more true than when I went through my divorce.

Seeing my hurt, she told me I should come home where she listened to me helping me realize that I didn't need to carry the blame all alone. What's more amazing to me about her (and dad's) support through that is the fact I had shut them out of my life as I had been led to believe they were to blame for the troubles in my marriage. She never held it against me. She hated seeing her son so bruised.


Today she is a wonderful Grandmother to my sons and stepdaughters, as well as five other grandchildren. Despite living far away from all them, she still stays involved in their lives. It would be easy for her to get down and guilt us about the distance. However she doesn't, and when we visit, she delights in each of them.

It's reassuring to know mom loves dad and he loves her back. When I talk to her she chuckles at dad's quirks, and then gushes about how appreciated she feels. When I talk to dad, he always reminds me how lucky I am to have the mother I do and how lucky he is to have her as a wife. With me and my sisters gone, Mom has taken on some new interests outside of those she once had. It's hard imagining her sitting in a fishing boat and casting a line, but she loves going whenever she gets the opportunity.


Along with fishing, she seems to have found some joy "putting some caps" in a few pesky squirrels and chipmunks reeking havoc in the backyard bird feeder. I didn't realize how into this she was until I spent a Christmas with her and dad a few years ago and witnessed her delight in receiving a handgun.

"This'll be allot easier to handle than trying to fire that rifle out the kitchen window," she said shifting her grip on the handle and changing up her aiming stances. "Hey, I'm ambidextrous!" as she switched it to her her right hand. It was hilarious enough watching Annie Oakley in action, but the fact that she had just split a bottle of blackberry current wine with dad at 11am while Johnny Cash strummed in the background just made it all the more unbearable to suppress my laughter.

I suppose, all of these little stories sound rather plain, and to a certain extent, I'd agree, but there's nothing wrong with having an "average" mom. Average moms make sure you have clean clothes that match when you walk out the door, and ferry you all over the countryside for your little events, as well as disposing of the occasional radioactively enhanced booger. Average moms think of you before they think of themselves and they tell you how they pray for you everyday. In fact when I think about what it would be like to have a "un-average" mom like say, Angelina Jolie or Britney Spears I actually have to wonder what it's like for those kids because with an average mom, there's nothing average about the way they love you.


I love you Mom.

Your son,
"Pookie"

This video was something created a while back for Valentine's Day, but it's still a testament to the wonderful family my Mother created.


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The Fantastic Mr. Fox

Well, I back from my week with the boys, and almost through playing catch up. We had a great time--probably one of the best trips yet. I'll post more on that later next week, but thought I share this little story of how out of shape I am both physically and mentally.

Growing up in the country, with no video games or cable TV, while be corn-fed right from our own garden, I tended to be in good condition. Plenty of outdoor chores, a job at a feed mill, and lots of high school sports only aided to my physical fitness. Now closing in on forty, I'm starting to get the sense I've let myself go, which really is my own fault sitting behind a computer all day, feasting on whatever is easiest processed faux-food to shove down my throat.

You don't think much of your health until your kids say something to the effect of wanting to build a treehouse together, and being the good father, you jump into the project with both feet only to be out of breath when you land. That was me anyway.

After drawing up some rudimentary plans, I showed my father and he suggested that easiest thing to do would be to chainsaw down long strait trees about 6 inches in diameter "to make it as sturdy as possible." And he would know about sturdy having constructed for my sisters and I several monstrosities that in the event of a nuclear detonation would've survived the blast joining the cockroaches as the only evidence of previous life on the planet. He's The Master. How hard could it be given such advice?

Well for one I couldn't get the chainsaw to work right, and envisioning me using two bandaged nubs to drive the Chevy Traverse back to Texas, I figured I'd wait until Dad got home from work to set me straight. When he did arrive, there seemed to be a strange glee in his face.

"Come on son, I'll give you hand." Minutes later he had buzzed down half a dozen trees for use as support beams.

This is when I realized how out of shape I had become. It was a huge struggle for me to drag the logs to the proposed tree house's location. In my younger days I wouldn't have even broken a sweat. We heated our home with a wood furnace during the winter so cutting, hauling, splitting, and stacking wood was one of those regular events your body adapted to. Now it was all I could do to move a few small logs a mere several yards.

Seeing my labors, Dad got an amused look on his face. At over 60, the man is still something of a machine running circles around the other younger guys at work. "Hey, Son, let me get the four-wheeler and you can skid them out."

Why didn't we have one of those when I was a kid? Life would've been a lot easier for me then. Pretty soon I was pulling more 8 to 10-foot logs all over the place while Dad kept cutting what seemed like an inordinate amount of timber that continued to grow in diameter from the originally suggested diameter. Odd.

Next I found myself dragging the resulting tree tops left over and placing them into piles. "Better to do it now rather than later. That way you can enjoy the tree house without a lot of clean up," Dad reasoned.

Makes sense to me. But somewhere in the process of doing this, I noticed that Dad was no longer anywhere in the vicinity (turns out he was helping unload his new John Deere tractor that had just arrived--more toys since my leaving home). And after counting up the timber for the project I realized there was more than I would ever need.

Hmmm. "I think we've been had," I said to my son Noah who had since joined me in my endeavors.

"What do you mean?" He asked.

"I think Grandpa pulled a fast one us." The night before Dad had watched The Fantastic Mr. Fox with the boys, and he seemed rather enamored with it. "I think Grandpa just got us to do a little wood cutting for winter." I shook my head. "Grandpa's The Fantastic Mr. Fox."

Noah tilted his head still wearing a confused expression. "Huh?"

Then I thought about it for a moment. "Never mind, Son." I decided to forgo further explination. The Fantastic Mr. Fox is a favorite movie of mine too.

Epilogue

Beyond sinking the support posts, the tree house did not get finished. Weather and timing threw off the schedule, but the boys didn't seem to mind. We'll be back at it this summer. When I mentioned to Dad that I figured out his game, his only response was a wide grin. Finally, the realization of my poor physical condition has prompted me to work out again, but at least I slept very well that night.






This post brought to you by the great community at DadBlogs and their Fatherhood Friday series. Check it out.


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Don Draper's Daddy Issues




This is post is pending publication and can be read in its entirety upon publication.

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Happy Mother's Day... With Barn Animals

As many already have, I'd like to wish all the moms out there, including my own, a wonderful day. You deserve it. To the rest of you who are not moms well, please, say hello to your mutha for me. Thank you moms.



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A Halloween Carol

I was going to post something like this a week or so later, but at the request of Blogger Dad, who's running a little photo meme, I'll post this now and get it done and over with. So, without further ado, I give you A Halloween Carol, featuring the many versions of the Ghosts of Halloween Past.



Yes, that's me at age 5 (maybe 4?), anyway, my mom was a heck of a seamstress and she took one of my dad's old uniforms (that's his beret) and hacked it down to my size. To add to the realism, she then smeared coffee grounds on my face giving me that distinctive manly look (I was the first kid in my kidergarden class to learn how to shave). Don't even ask where that red hair came from, all I know is I don't have it now, thank goodness. 

We didn't do much trick-or-treating a few years after this was taken. It's was a religious thing. Honestly, I had no regrets, but I'm pretty sure all those years of repression led to the rest of these other photos...


Halloween 2005: The Amish Pimp. The sign reads, "fine hoes (get it), fair price." What did you expect from a native of Pennsylvania? I was runner up at some big bash people my age shouldn't be anywhere near. When the band saw me, they quit playing they were laughing so hard - I was slightly embarrassed to say the least.


Halloween 2006: Clark Kent. No surprises here, except this is at one of those clubs in Vegas where the celebrities all hang out. We felt especially like rock stars because our friend was a manager and got us VIP seating... never would've imagined that at some point in my life Jenny McCarthy would come over and ask if she knew us from Hollywood (I finally fessed up admitting I was a screenwriter). Of course my friends and I had no idea our CEO had flown in from HQ in Miami and would be there too (of all the gin joints, right?). Hilarity ensues. I'd tell the rest, but that can be another post, another day. This is supposed to be about the children.


And the one I'll never live down... ever.

Halloween 2007: Fire and Ice from the movie, Blades of Glory. We actually had an entire routine and everything. By the way, do you have any idea how hard it is to find a men's large size uni-tard in all of Houston? Neither did I. If you are so inclined you can read my post from last year.


Okay, fine. Here's one more...



My many thanks to Blogger Dad and his exuberance for the impending holiday. My humiliation knows no boundaries.

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The Padawan Learners

During the commotion caused by the storm and the move, Ashley kept the girls occupied by promising them a reward for behaving and helping out. After several days, Allie and Avery finally earned their prize, a trip to Target to pick out a toy. So what did they pick out? To my pure joy, Star Wars light sabers!

While playing at their aunt's house as it turned out, one of the neighbor kids had a blue saber, and a great many duels ensued, with the adults either ducking to avoid an indirect whack or soothing a child smarting from a decisive saber strike to their face. A few days later, Allie and Avery's cousin received one too, although I'm not so sure it was for the fun aspect as much as it was to defend himself without the hassle of trying to wrestle away a “loaner” from someone else.

The girls have really been getting into the Star Wars movies, which will give them something to talk about when they finally get to meet my boys. Of course the boys have an entire collection of light sabers (and laser blasters) themselves. Throw the girls into the mix and we practically have the Jedi temple full of Padawan learners.

Despite the common interest, the boys will likely waste no time in setting Allie and Avery straight on a few of the finer points of the Star Wars Saga. Avery, I’m sure, will be gently rebuffed for her constant references to Darth Vader as Dark Tader.


Note: Avery started using Dark Tader before she ever knew of this video.

Ewoks will not be considered as a galactic version of the Care Bears, and the concept of "rainbow light sabers" will be soundly dismissed as absolutely ludicrous.



Eventually, however, Noah, Harrison and Sawyer will learn to appreciate it when the women in their lives take an interest such boyish endeavors. The flip side, of course, means the boys will need to learn to reciprocate some enthusiasm for the other party's likes. That will come in time, but for now, I'm not going to be sending them Barbie dolls or High School Musical videos any time soon.





Top: The boys' first light sabers, Christmas '05. Bottom: The girls' first light sabers, last week.

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One More Game

Growing up I used to play basketball in high school. I don’t mean to brag, but well, I was kind of a big deal. I’ll spare you the details as I’m not one of those guys living in the cold, fleeting glow of past glories 17 years after graduation. As part of my love for the game back then I did have a hoop set up in my parent’s driveway where I could practice year-round. The US Postal Service had nothing on me as I played in rain, sleet and snow from 7th grade through my senior year.

At that point in life I was much more competitive and the best times I had on that gravel stone basketball court were playing against my dad. He was a pretty good athlete in his day, but he got kicked off the team for stuffing some kid in a locker. He didn’t like the coach much anyway, or so the story goes. In any case he more than held his own against his young smart-mouthed son (like father like… you know the rest).

When I was in junior high, Dad would whip me soundly. He would spot me some points to keep me interested enough not to quit when the spread became insurmountable. The tide turned though, as I entered my freshman year as I started winning games on my own. By the time I became a junior, forget it. I left him in my dust, even spotting him the points eventually.

Over time, age and injury started to take their toll on Dad. Years of jumping out of planes in the Army and hoping off loading docs while carrying hundred pound bags of livestock feed wore down his knees like the elements crumbling the foundation of an old building. He wasn’t quite as fast anymore, and the day after our games he would hobble around like an amputee trying out a new set of prosthetic legs.

In my senior year, Dad wanted to play more games of “HORSE” than our usual games of “first one to 10 (points).” Of course in those games to 10, Dad started cheating more, throwing high elbows to get a rebound, tripping me when I blew past him, or stepping on my foot as I launched into a jump shot. I swear, the man had more dirty little tricks, and they would piss me off to no end. However when I did get angry, I played harder too, while taking a greater deal of satisfaction in when I would win despite his underhandedness.

What I didn’t realize until midway through my final season was how much tougher I had become on the court. I could aggressively channel my emotions into productive play which became essential when playing against teams from the larger cities like Pittsburgh and Cleveland. I even incorporated a few of the those tricks too (when the situation warranted - like father, like… ya, you know the rest).

At that same time, I started to feel a little sorry for Dad. He loved playing against me, maybe even more than he loved coming to watch me in my games. To him, the two of us battling on the court was our time together where he taught and I learned. Most of what I picked up from my Dad was through example, but in basketball, the lessons were more direct. Taking all those cheap shots was his way of telling me life and people wouldn’t always treat me like an all-star, and I would have to overcome those circumstances despite the unfairness. With graduation not far off, those moments would be fewer and farther between.

I also knew that Dad liked the competition. He liked to push himself. If he could steal a game or even keep the score close, then that was an indication the strength of his youth still wasn’t beyond his grasp. But in time we started to play more games of HORSE, where you rely on stationary shooting rather than the fast-paced nature of games to 10. Games of HORSE gave my Dad a somewhat even playing field since he was a good outside shooter, Even still the reality of aging can be a patient fellow as it waits for us to acknowledge its presence on the sideline.

Still in the prime of my playing condition I obliged Dad in the games of HORSE, not out of pity, but because I didn’t want to let go of our time together. Soon, I would be gone; having enlisted in the Army, then there would be college and later family and job responsibilities. I knew the playbook that reality carried as it watched me fire off a long shot that the rules of the game dictated would erase the “E” I had unfortunately earned, thus keeping me alive in the game.

I vividly remember releasing ball, my finger tips springing downward causing a text-book backspin on the ball as it arced toward the rim. There was a sense of sadness that hit me as I watched my shot drain the bottom of the net. One day HORSE would be the only game we’ll both could play.

After leaving home, I played ball here and there, but never kept up with it. I didn’t see much point in expending energy in something that would get me nothing more than bragging rights amongst a bunch of 40 year olds with great jump shots and no life. As such on visits home when Dad would issue a challenge to a game of HORSE, I would blow him off with excuse like, “Not today, Dad, I have a headache.”

On my most recent trip to visit my parents, my Dad hobbled over to his chair, explaining how he was thinking about writing a short story about us playing basketball all those years ago. “I’d drive from work,” he said, “And there would be my boy shooting hoops, just waiting for me to get to home in time to get in a few games before dinner was ready.” He smiled, revealing a secret pinch of Copenhagen snuff protruding slightly from his lower lip and gums. “Hey, I got a brand-new basketball. Only been shot a few times. We should play tomorrow.”

I was still thinking about his desire to write a story. Not that he isn’t capable. At one point Dad wanted to be a teacher, and his short stint in college was with intention of studying World Literature. I wondered if it was his way of trying to relate to my fledgling career as a writer. “Ok, sure, but let’s just play PIG.” I know there are many professional athletes my age, but sadly with the shape I’m in a full game of HORSE seemed daunting.

The next day, I could hear Dad dribbling and shooting ball at the old backboard and rim. In our conversation the night before he told me he left the hoop up as a memorial to me and our days playing together. With that in mind I knew that to not answer his call from the court would be an insult, but I was actually looking forward to renewing the rivalry with all the same nostalgia evoked by the Celtics and Lakers who we used to watch together and who ironically played in this year’s NBA Finals.

Dad grinned as he passed the ball my way. It felt good to run my fingers over the seems, as they searched out that familiar feel, signaling the perfect grip needed to create snappy backspin when releasing the ball. I hadn’t taken a jump shot in I couldn’t remember when, but the motion my body made seemed as smooth and natural as my last days of high school. I could already feel a hint of satisfaction that comes with the expectation of the swishing sound I would soon hear. Bong! Rattle, Rattle! It was instead the perfect brick and Dad laughed as he grabbed the rebound.

This is going to be a long game of PIG, I thought. For the next thirty minutes, Dad and I dueled in the humid summer heat, shooting and mimicking each others’ successful buckets. My Dad half-hobbled, and half-ran as he chased down loose balls, smiling the whole time, but in the end, I prevailed 3 games to 1. I don’t think the score will matter much, however, as my father sits in his recliner later, nursing the pain in his knees and recalling our chance to play one more time. I can almost see him smiling in the knowledge he managed to keep age and reality waiting just a little bit longer.


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The Pastor's Covers

While I'm away from the Lunchbox for a few weeks I asked some of my friends and family to step in with some guest posts. Along with giving me a break, I thought readers would like to be introduced to some interesting and more mature subject matter - then my brother-in-law Robb, a pastor at Vintage Fellowship sends me a piece on the secret sex life of the clergy. ***********

I am about to tell you what is a rather open secret among the clergy - pastors have better sex lives than everyone else.

I might be writing about this today because I guess I am a bit of expert on sex. I was recently confused with Rob Bell, the pastor who actually wrote the book on sex. More likely than that, it might be that my three children are on their annual trek to their grandparents' house, leaving my wife and I alone for a week. We've come to refer to this yearly adventure as Sexapalooza. Or I might be writing about this in an attempt to get my brother-in-law Ron to squirm, "Dude. That's my sister."

Whatever my motivation, here I am writing about this counterintuitive yet well-documented phenomenon that pastors of all people get more and better sex than everyone else. Christianity Today broke Christianity Today International survey shows. Three-fourths of pastors say they are happily married, compared to 49 percent of married church attenders. One reason may be because they are more likely to be satisfied with their sex lives.

Maybe these survey results can be explained with something akin to the Wilder Effect. Pastors didn't want to admit to the nice, young Christianity Today intern on the phone that they are in fact dissatisfied with the quantity and quality of their whoopie-making. Maybe they were afraid that their wives would overhear them talking about sex on the phone, and so they just said "Yes" and "Daily" and "Very Satisfied" like they were taking a survey about their usage of squeezably soft Charmin toilet paper.

I think this survey is the best explanation of this t-shirt. But it is not a very good explanation for why pastors seem to "fall into" sexual misconduct with the about the same frequency of politicians. Maybe that is because both pastors and politicians have a narcissistic hunger that is fueled by their chosen professions.

Regardless, I think there might be a good explanation for why pastors and their wives get it on so frequently and so well. Sex is more than just a physical act. It is far more than just a procreation ritual.Sex is a deeply intimate union that connects us to a force bigger than ourselves. Our sexuality and our spirituality are intertwined. When the bodies of a man and woman are united in sex, they are connecting in a profoundly soulful way.

But sex is not the means by which this connection is made. I think it is the fruit of this kind of connection. For a man and woman to have a great sex life, they need to be connected deeply in all other aspects of who they are. They need to have harmonious values, shared vision, a common purpose in life that transcends just making it through the day, balancing the checkbook, and raising the kids.

The nature of pastoral ministry draws together people who want to do the same thing in this world, who want to have the same impact, who are headed in the same direction. A pastor's marriage simply won't make it if his wife is, say, an atheist.

Recently, a friend talked to me about the infrequency with which he and his wife have sex. (I felt bad talking to him about how he had sex maybe once a month when my number is ... that's probably oversharing, right?) Anyway, he had just told me that his wife wants them to move to another country but he is not so sure, that they have separate bank accounts, that they have vastly different parenting styles, that they go to radically different churches, that they spend very little time together. And then he wants to know why they are making the monster with two backs so rarely.

Sexapalooza is possible. And if you want it, you've got to work for it. Talk. Connect. Be together. And if that doesn't work ...
become a pastor.


Yes, Robb, I was squirming when I realized you were refering to my sister. For those of you not at the wedding, Robb was the pastor who married us and I highly recomend him to anyone. Not only will he take charge of the rehersal and conduct the ceremony, but he will also serve wine at the reception and clean up restrooms flooded by young children. Read more of Robb's work at his blog, The Grenzian or find him on Facebook.



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My Sister: Vinatge Butterfly

****My brother is away from his blog this week and asked me to compose a guest post to help fill the week for his readers. I hope you enjoy this little blurb.

Recently by dear big brother signed up for his very own Etsy shop to sell his marvelous paintings, which secured my role as Etsy evangelist, since he was my first convert. Now that I have him signed up, I'm out to proselytize more to my little community. You might be wondering "What the heck is an etsy?" much like I was a few short months ago. Back then, I was toiling away selling vintage home goods and apparel, wanting desperately to branch out to something a tad more creative. Not to mention, Ebay is getting a ridiculous amount of seller's cash by way of listing and closing value fees.

Enter Etsy...or at least a link to it....where I clicked around suspiciously, starting to fume that there was no "completed items" search option where I could see at a glance if anybody was selling anything here...and by extension, making any money. As one of my friends said, "I looked at Etsy, but it scared me, so I left." That is precisely what I did the first time.

But then I took myself by the shoulders and said, "Self, do you want to be like an old lady in church? The one that complains that 'We don't do it that way!' and 'The old way is just fine for me' ?" And the answer of course, was "HELL NO! I do not want to be a cranky old lady." So I went back and I clicked around some more. I looked at all kinds of things...things that were quirky and pretty and creative and most importantly, not one bit better than anything I had stacked in my garage. From what I could see, there were sellers of handmade items. Sellers of Vintage items. And sellers, like me, of a little of both. But that's all...no new stuff. No Walmart or Gap or Comp USA. Etsy is for handcrafted and vintage only.

And so I said to my long-suffering husband, "I think I'm gonna try listing on that Etsy thing." To which he shrugged his shoulders and said, "b'okay." A few weeks later, I said, "I think I'm going to stop selling on Ebay and just list everything through Etsy." He hesitated, asked a couple questions, but ultimately, shrugged and said "b'okay." I did that....Yada yada yada.... now I have 47 sales under my belt...hey cool...make that 48 sales!

I like the fact that Etsy openly declares that they want sellers to be able to "make a living" at their craft. This makes me feel much more complete, somehow...that all the knowledge I have acquired over the years about antiques and vintage items, and about the new crafts I am exploring, are not peripheral and mere jewelry to my life. Instead, I can pursue my passions knowing that through Etsy, I can release my treasures and therefore grow as a businesswoman and artist. I love re-affirming the uniqueness of people by offering unique items in my store. I believe in valuing items that are made well, made to last, and made by humans for humans. I am proud to utilize what is vintage and accessible rather than demanding new (and frequently inferior) products to made and consumed and trashed. I love things that are beautiful, especially the often humble, utilitarian items used to make a home. I feel more true to myself and my upbringing when I just make it myself. And I want to take this moment to apologize to my mother, who I held a long grudge against, because she made my underwear when I was in elementary school. I hated it back then, but I gotta give my mom props for being so ahead of her time.

And Mom, anytime you want to set up your Etsy store, just ask Ron, I'm sure he can help you.....(tee hee hee).






I hope you enjoyed reading this post from my sister Vanessa, and if you haven't already done so, take some time to check out her blog, Happiness Is A Butterfly where you can see more of her cool stuff as well as follow along in her creative process. You can also find her on her newest love - Facebook. Just look for this cutie-pie profile.

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