The Weekly News


Thought I'd try something a little different and post a Weekly News Update of actual news headlines from the week... only with a little "spin" on them. That said, here's this weeks' news highlights.

LEBANON, Tenn. - A porn actress who claimed she performed oral sex on a state trooper who stopped her for speeding lost her chance to avoid the ticket he issued because she failed to appear in court Friday. Justice Richert, 21, known by fans as “Barbie Cummings,” must pay the $159 ticket despite servicing trooper James Randy Moss. For the 16 motorists that did show in court that day all charges were dropped. According to the court clerk, had “Barbie” showed the ticket would have been dismissed. Prosecutors are seeking charges on Moss who video tapped the incident. Upon hearing the news socialite Paris Hilton, recently released from jail for violating terms of her probation exclaimed, “Damn! Why didn’t I think of that!” She later fired her long-time attorney and his legal team stating incompetence.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The American bald eagle, pushed to near-extinction in the United States by the pesticide DDT, is now recovered and will be removed from the Endangered Species list, the U.S. interior secretary said on Thursday. President George W. Bush struck a patriotic note in a White House statement recognizing the bald eagle's comeback: "This great conservation achievement means more and more Americans across the nation will enjoy the thrill of seeing bald eagles soar. What a wonderful way to celebrate this Fourth of July." The President continued by saying that it won’t be long before the bald eagle will be in season and Americans can hunt them again without remorse.”

PHOENIX (Reuters) - U.S. Border police found ten Amazon parrots stuffed in the duffel bag of a man crossing from Mexico, authorities said on Thursday. Customs and Border Protection officers at the San Ysidro port of entry, south of San Diego, Calif., found the small, green birds hidden in a bag in a pickup truck on Tuesday, and arrested the driver, a U.S. citizen. Upon opening the bag the parrots were relieved to know their ordeal was over. “We were promised a new life in America,” one parrot said. Others claimed that they could bring their families to America once they earned enough money working in various pets shops. “These men lied to us, they are devils!” said another angry parrot. Illegal Amazon parrot smuggling has risen 57% in the last 6 months since the discovery that parrots are not good swimmers and thus cannot negotiate the Rio Grande River on the US / Mexico border. Duffel bags and body-cavities have become popular methods for getting the parrots into the US illegally.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Subpoenas were issued to the office of the Vice President in its widening probe of fired federal prosecutors. The subpoenas were issued two weeks ago by Patrick Leahy and his counterpart in the House of Representatives, Judiciary Committee Chairman John Conyers, a Michigan Democrat. Leahy and Conyers are investigating Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' firing last year of nine of the nation's 93 U.S. attorneys. They set Thursday as the deadline for turning over most documents. In a statement following the issuing of the subpoenas Vice President Dick Cheney pledged his office’s full cooperation in the matter as well as extending invitations to both Leahy and Conyers to join him in a quail hunt later this month at his home in Texas.

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Chinese-made toothpaste tainted with a potentially poisonous chemical was distributed to more places in the United States than initially thought, the New York Times reported on Thursday. About 900,000 tubes of toothpaste containing diethylene glycol, an ingredient in antifreeze, were distributed to hospitals for the mentally ill, prisons, juvenile detention centers and some hospitals serving the general population, the Times said. Drug distributor McKesson Corp. was recalling its EverFRESH brand after finding trace amounts of the chemical, the Times said, adding that McKesson could not immediately determine any customers had bought the product. McKesson Corp seemed even less concerned over the effects on those receiving public health care. “Who cares if a mentally-ill ax-murderer has clean teeth and fresh breath? We’re trying to get rid of these people anyway, right?” a company spokesman asked. Earlier this month, Colgate-Palmolive Co. said "fake toothpaste" containing diethylene glycol was found in four U.S. states, but said the toothpaste posed a low health risk. The statement prompted inquiries as to what the hell is “fake toothpaste?” and could it be found next to fake deodorant, and fake shampoo at Walmart?

NEW ORLEANS (Reuters) - Louisiana will become the last state to outlaw cockfighting under a bill approved by the state legislature on Wednesday. The ban, which will take effect in August 2008, follows a measure in New Mexico that outlawed cockfighting earlier this year. Animal anti-cruelty groups in Louisiana have long sought a ban on the bloody sport, in which trained roosters battle, often to death. But proponents of cockfighting managed to forestall a ban for years, defending the practice as an integral part of rural Louisiana culture. "The whole country has been focused on Louisiana due to our massive rebuilding and recovery efforts, and no one wanted to see Louisiana blemished with the stigma of being the only state that still allowed such a brutal and inhumane practice," Laura Maloney, executive director of the Louisiana Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, said in a written statement. When asked about the ban Louisiana native Brittney Spears flatly asked, “Now where can I take my children for a fun family activity?” The bill is expected to result in a tax increase to cover the cost of changing all marketing materials and campaigns generated by the Louisiana State Tourism Office. “First, the Hurricane clean ups robbed us of our garbage and smell and now we’re going to lose cockfighting. What’s next dental hygiene?” exclaimed one Tourism Office official who asked to remain anonymous. Cock-fighting in Louisiana was originated by early settlers living near the bayous as a means to toughen up chickens against alligator attacks.

LONDON - The Spice Girls wannabe stars again. Following a calculated publicity buildup, the original Girl Power group of the 1990s announced Thursday they had agreed to get together for 11 concerts around the world this winter. The shows will be their first concerts since breaking up in 2001. The group said the shows would include Los Angeles, Las Vegas, New York, London, Cologne, Madrid, Beijing, Hong Kong, Sydney, Cape Town, and Buenos Aires. “We really really wanted to do Baghdad, we keep hearing about it in the news but we couldn’t find it on any maps,” claimed Melanie "Sporty Spice" Chisholm, “We were really hoping to increase our fan base to a new unheard of market… Go Girl Power!” The band created in the mid-90’s will only perform popular songs from their albums spanning 1996 through the bands breakup in 2001. The planned performances will include and extended 55 minute remix of their world-famous hit “Wannabe” which will compliment the other 3 songs in the line-up. “We really don’t have any new material to perform,” said Emma "Baby Spice" Bunton, “All of us haven’t had an original thought since, like forever…. Girl Power! Whoo!” Reaction by former fans present at the news conference was less than enthusiastic as many held signs expressing their feelings over the tour. Spoofing the line "if ya wanna be my lover..." from their much over-played hit, one sign “if ya wanna be runover.” Other signs asked, “Dear God Why?” and “Are Piggies Really Flying?” Shows will begin in December of this year.

BERLIN (Reuters) - Germany will welcome U.S. entertainer Barbra Streisand with open arms when she performs at Berlin's Waldbuehne arena on this month, her first appearance in the country after turning down several invitations in the past. German media have linked the Jewish star's refusal to sing there until now to the fact Germany was responsible for the Holocaust. Paul Spiegel, the late leader of Germany's Jewish community, made repeated appeals to Streisand to come, and, before his mysterious and yet unsolved death last year, blamed the decision on the country's recent history. The 65-year-old singer declined to comment directly, when asked by Reuters about her refusal to perform in Germany before and her reasons for deciding to do so now. But she said in a statement: "Germany is a very different place than it was before World War Two.” She went on to say, “I think that I have punished them enough for what they have done. I hope that my refusals over the years have taught them a lesson. I think we’re even now. Should they kill another million Jews I will never perform their again, nor will I eat Bratz.” Then quickly added, “Oh, I already don’t eat Bratz – I’m Jewish!” Despite Streisand's agreement to perform in Germany she will not be staying overnight in the country as she plans to fly to Paris immediately following her concert her publicist said. Sources close to Steisand have said that even though she has forgiven Germany she does not want to stay long enough that she would have to take a shower during a visit. German officials again expressed their remorse for carrying out the holocaust. “Words cannot convey our shame.” The country’s Entertainment Chancellor said. “Had Adolph Hitler new that killing so many Jews would eventually prevent an Entertainer of Steisand’s magnitude to perform before the Aryan race I’m sure he would have reconsidered his actions.”

NEW YORK (Reuters) - A former make-up artist for a television sports talk show on Wednesday sued the broadcaster ESPN, one of the show's anchors and a panelist she worked with for sexual harassment. Rita Ragone sued Walt Disney Co. unit ESPN, saying that while working on the "Cold Pizza" show between February 2005 and April 2006 -- where she did make-up for co-host Jay Crawford -- she was subjected to sexual harassment from Crawford. According to the suit filed in federal court in Manhattan, Ragone said almost immediately after she began working for the show, Crawford began harassing her sexually, including daily verbal come-ons, dirty jokes and physical gestures such as grabbing her buttocks. "On one occasion, her butt was grabbed so forcefully, Ms. Ragone was propelled forward and into the air," the suit said. In a statement concerning the lawsuit an ESPN spokesman said of Crawford, “You can’t stop him, you can only hope to contain him!” The statement punctuated Crawford’s innocence by stating, “He! Didn’t! Go! All! The! Way!” While reporting the story on Court TV legal analysts on the show commented that ESPN spokesman’s delivery of the statement, was “Pure Butter,” and looked “Cooler than the other side of the pillow.”

MONROE, La. - While Wal-Mart is known for dropping its prices, one West Monroe, Louisiana man took the ad campaign seriously when he dropped the price of a plasma television from $984 to $4.88. Police arrested Chandon L. Simms, 23, on Tuesday at the retail store on a charge of felony theft. According to police reports, Simms carried a 42-inch Sanyo Plasma TV to a self-checkout aisle after switching the original price tag of $984 with one for only $4.88. Wal-Mart Loss Prevention officers witnessed the alleged transaction and called police. When the store officers stopped Simms on his way out the door, he produced a receipt for a television purchased at the West Monroe Wal-Mart, authorities said. Simms told officers that he was desperately seeking a new source of entertainment since learning of the recent ban on cock-fighting in Louisiana. When asked to comment on the matter, Walmart executives expressed outrage at the incident stating Simms’ actions ruin the company’s image as a retail business that offers quality product. One executive stated that if Mr. Simms wanted a $5 Plasma he should’ve gone to the Dollar Store or Big Lots!’

DOVER, N.H. - A man with a penchant for speedy driving has come up with an unusual tactic for beating speeding tickets — raise the limit. So far this year, Larry Lemay has been ticketed four times for speeding. Rather than slow down, Lemay is suing the state Department of Transportation to study traffic and speed limits across New Hampshire, to see whether limits could be raised. Lemay's lawsuit, filed in Strafford County Superior Court, also asks a judge to order the Transportation Department to pay for his legal fees and the cost of the study, an estimated $1,853. Lemay said he believes many speed limits are set intentionally low so the state can cash in on drivers. "The state is making a lot of money doing this, and I want it stopped," he said. "It's wrong." Dave Hilts, the assistant attorney general representing the state, said Lemay's view that higher speed limits would lead to safer driving is shared on the Internet by many speed limit abolitionists, but is misguided. Once news of the lawsuit was made public both Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton announced plans to move New Hampshire contingent on the court’s ruling on the case.

LONDON (AFP)- A 2-year-old girl with an intelligence quotient of 152 has become the youngest current member of British Mensa, the international society for highly-intelligent people, it said Friday. Georgia Brown, aged two years and 10 months, was welcomed into the exclusive club after an assessment by a child psychologist. Mensa normally only tests people over the age of 10 and a half but accepts younger children who are found to be within the top 2 percent of the population. When asked what she thought about being part of such an exclusive club, the toddler replied, “You fools! Little do you realize that I have launched a ray gun into space so powerful it can destroy entire cities!” To which the little girl’s mother quickly joked, “Oooh, somebody needs a nappy.”

BERLIN (Reuters) - Two German teenagers robbed a girl but accidentally left their own pictures behind for police on a discarded mobile phone. After stealing a 15-year-old's shoes, money and mobile phone, the two older girls gave her an old mobile phone, police in the western city of Bochum said on Wednesday. But the two 17-year-olds had forgotten the phone had their own photos, striking smiley poses, which police published online on Tuesday in an effort to find the culprits. The two muggers turned themselves in almost simultaneously when the pictures appeared on the evening news. "One girl was brought down by her father after he saw her on the television," said police spokesman Frank Plewka. "Today the pictures were in the papers, so the father's phone has been ringing all day, because everyone recognized them." Once news of the robbery broke a spokesman for temperamental entertainer Barbara Streisand stated that Striesand was reconsidering her plans to perform in Germany.

NEW DELHI (Reuters) - India, struggling to promote greater condom use among its population, is looking to hire its own "condom man" to follow the example of a former Thai cabinet minister who successfully pushed for safer sex. National AIDS Control Organization (NACO) chief Sujatha Rao said that India needed to find someone like Mechai Viravaidya, famous for getting Thais to talk about sex, condoms and AIDS. "We are serious about finding India's very own Mr Condom," Rao was quoted as saying after visiting Thailand to study its dramatic increase in condom use, which contributed to a sharp fall in new HIV infections. Mechai became famous in Thailand as the "Condom King" for actions such as taking condoms to World Bank talks as well as for the name of his Bangkok restaurant "Cabbages and Condoms," where condoms are a major part of the decor. The news prompted a flurry of activity in America’s entertainment industry. Two major networks announced plans for new reality shows this fall. FOX has begun plans for “Who Wants to Be a Condom?” while UPN will begin casting for “America’s Next Top Condom.” Restaurant franchises are looking capitalize on the idea as well. Hooters announced plans to open a condom-themed eatery as well as painting a select number of their jets in Hooters Airlines with the likeness of a condom covering the front half of the fuselage.

And that's the news for this week... sell crazy somewhere else cause were all full up here.


Thoughts & Prayers Please


If you could keep a close friend of mine from the Army in your prayers. He's an infantry company commander (A captain in charge of about 100 troops) in Bagdhad. He and his men are in the worst sector of the area and just had 14 men killed this week - 9 of them in one IED incident prompting a withdrawal from the area. In the movies where you see a commander writing letters home to the families - that's not a cliche and my buddy has to do that for each of the soldiers he lost.

In addition the Battalion Commander (My buddy's boss) just lost his 15 y/o son who died at home mysteriously. Being half-way around the world in the ultimate stress-environment and having one of your children die from causes unknown is about the worst thing that can happen to a parent. My friend's unit has been in Bagdhad for almost a year and has another 6 months to go. He has a wife and two kids back home.

Please say a prayer for him, his men, his boss and all their families. Thanks


An Open Plea to the Missouri State Tourism Bureau

Raise your hand if you’ve been to Missouri – driving, vacationing, visiting, whatever…. Missouri, in my opinion, is by far the most boring state I have ever been to. I would have thought it to be Delaware, but no. At least with Delaware by the time you think, “man, this is one boring state” you have already driven through it, so at least it’s quick and painless. By the time I am finished driving through good ‘ol Mizzou I usually am rocking back and forth in driver’s seat with trying to convince myself not to stick a rusty fork into my eyeball.

Coming from Chicago, or Indianapolis, or any other place that is actually interesting you enter the state through St. Louis which at first you think isn’t so bad. It has some character to it. I mean there is the Mississippi River, the baseball stadium and of course the Arch. You know what they need to do with that arch? Hang a big sign that says, “Welcome to Missouri – Prepare for a Long, Boring Death!” Or at least something that warns drivers to drive around the state altogether. The Federal Government needs to commission a highway project the constructs a bypass around the whole state of Missouri. Just run it north through Iowa, south through Arkansas and then join up again on the other side. Those two states at least hove some interest to them – Iowa has the bridges in Madison County and Arkansas has Bill Clinton as well as the largest population of toothless people in one concentrated area anywhere on earth (including London). And Missouri? They did have the Pony Express at one time which was what? Guys riding horses at full speed to get the hell out of the state as fast as they could. The horses wore blinders because dark patches of leather 3 inches from their eyes were more interesting than the countryside. At some point the riders couldn’t take it anymore and eventually revolted, resulting in today’s modern postal system… pretty sure anyway.

President Truman was from Missouri and of course he was about as charismatic as… well the state of Missouri. Truman was known for being a tough cookie. He ordered the bombs dropped on Japan killing thousands. I think he did so just to see what the effects would yield because in the back of his mind he seriously was considering dropping a third on Missouri so he wouldn’t have to move back there after his term expired. I read somewhere that during the 50’s the government secretly tested the effects of nuclear radiation on various populations without their knowing it. Missouri was at the top of the list… that’s the word on the street anyway.

My last drive through the state was at least somewhat bearable – it was at night which would be the equivalent of running at 80 mph down a dark hallway with your eyes closed… and hoping you don’t have to stop for gas or Cheetos, or a key chain! I’m so glad to drive through at night though. I couldn’t deal with the thought of 273 miles of fields advertising Jesse James’ Hideout, Adult Bookstores or fireworks. You just keep driving and driving past field after field with billboard after billboard…. Jesse James Hide Out – this exit! Adult Mega-Plex exit now! Crazy Ed’s Fireworks! 2 miles…. Jesse James Caves! Adult Mega-Mega-Plex! Crazy Bob’s Fireworks! ...James Hideout! Mega-Mega-Mega Plex! Crazy Larry’s Fireworks… Hideouts, Fireworks and Porn! Oh My! Finally someone got smart and figured they would maximize on Missouri’s most famed attractions by combining all three…”Come see the actual caves where Jesse James hid is porn and lit off illegal fireworks!” I think the name was something like Crazy Rahjji’s Mega-Mega-Mega Porn Emporium and Fireworks Hideout! Figures leave it to someone from out of state to be so creative.

The other notable establishment – no kidding – was “The Jackass Trading Post.” Now I’m well aware it was meant to be convenience store of some sort but I couldn’t help but dream up the image of it being a real jackass trading post. Something along the lines of this holding pen out front with all these guys with scruffy beards and overlapping guts standing around while wear stained “wife-beater” shirts and drinking beer. Then you watch this old Chevy truck roll up and this tired looking woman gets out and goes around to passenger side where she coaxes this overweight middle-aged guy out. She then leads him up to the porch where she ties him off and goes inside. After about twenty minutes later you see her come back outside and starts loading up all these supplies for the winter. Meanwhile her husband looks over at her from where he’s hitched up at and starts braying, “Hey-Haw, Hey-Haw, Hey Honey, Where ya going?” as she drives off into the sunset. Meanwhile this lanky cowboy-looking dude walks out from around back holding a fresh wife-beater and an unopened can of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Don’t laugh – it’s Missouri we’re talking about here.

I’m curious as to whether the Missouri Department of Tourism knows how bad this is? Being a bit of a conspiracy buff I think it’s possible that the state’s tourism entire department has been outsourced to the Chinese. I can just see this chubby little guy in Beijing laughing evilly and rubbing his hands furiously as he reviews the plans to make America the most boring place on earth one state at a time… starting with Missouri. In 50 years the United States will be so boring the entire populace will up and move to Canada. The Chinese will then take over and rename it New China. I have a more probable theory, however, that the whole department is probably being run by this supercomputer that Truman ordered near the end of his presidency. It spits out alerts about the need for more Jesse James Hide Outs on Interstate 44 or a full report on the need for an Adult Mega-Mega-Mega-MEGA Plex! In any case I have a suggestion for a new tourism slogan “Missouri, The Only State That Makes You Want To Shove a Rusty Fork Into Your Eyeball!” Catchy huh?


Jerks Women Love

One of the oldest and most baffling questions that men have is, "Why do women love guys that are jerks?" Nice guys especially repeatedly find themselves questioning their own sanity every time they meet some really sweet girl only to find out that they are with the biggest jerk in the world. I have a few theories on why nice girls feel so inclined, but I'm going to hold off on that for a few weeks because I've decided to run a little low tech social experiment. It's no secret that I have tried the e-dating sites... eharmony, etc and that I consider them something of a joke (everything is a joke of some sorts to me). On my account I still have a few weeks left before renewal (which I won't) so rather than running the "nice guy" profile of myself I thought I'd replace it with the profile of my "polar opposite." The purpose of the experiment is to see if I actually get an increase in "people who viewed my profile" and email responses. Prior to this my actual profile averaged about 3.7 viewings per day and 1.5 emails per week (usually the emails were to tell me they liked my profile and could I help them write theirs - no kidding!). So with my "jerk" profile I am going to test if there is an increase if from my "nice-guy" profile.

I thought I'd re-post my profile as a jerk here for your reading pleasure. To familiarize everyone with the format, has you fill out numerous preference check-lists, and stats on yourself that will be used as a filter for those searching for someone that matches (hence the name) what requirements they have plugged in. If you meet their requirements then they get to see your answers to the questions I've listed below. For those of you that know me you can figure out what my real responses to these questions were. At the end of June I'll report back what the result were.

Profile Headline:

"The Biggest Jerk You'll Ever Meet... and the Computer Says We're A Match! Cool!"
What are your interests?
Play Video Games, uh, hang out, um, just stuff. Oh, I like to watch stuff blow up. If you like to do stuff or you like fire then we're a match.

Favorite local hot spots or travel destinations?
I like places where I can drink and talk to girls. Eatin at Hooters and buffets. I have alot of coupons for free meals that are going to expire. I want to take a date to a strip club. That would be awesome. If you like strip clubs we're a match
Favorite things?My XBox, watching sports at someone's pad cause I don't have cable. Gory movies, comic books and a motorcycle. It would be cool if my match had a job and could help me get a smokin bike. If you want to ride on a bike we're a match.
What's the last thing you read?Maxim Mag,s Hot 100 Women of 2007. Those hotties were all a "match" for me. Playboy and not for the articles either. A couple comic books. I don't read much except for guy mags with lot's of cool pics. If you're a model then we're a match.
What kind of job do you have?Don't really have a regular job. If I need some money I usually fill out a couple of those online surveys for cash. Sometimes I deliver pizza when I need drinkin money or to fix my green 72 Pinto. If you have a job then we are a match.
Which ethnicities describe you the best?Don't know. I send Father's Day cards to all the guys in the trailer park each year. I'm just glad I'm not in bred and that my family doesn't look like a bamboo shoot. If you are not my sister then we're a match.
What is your faith?I used to go to church but that was only cause I thought church girls liked being bad. I'm not allowed to go anymore. I am still praying for my bike but I am probably being punished. If you are a church girl that likes to be bad then we're a match.
How would you describe your education?Got my GED (Get Er Done) last summer. I also have lot's of certifications, hair nets and name badges. School is cool cause of the uniforms girls have to wear. If you have a school girl uniform we're a match. Wearing the glasses is a bonus.
In Your Own Words Describe Yourself and Your Ideal Match
Girls keep saying they want guys that are honest, well then here goes. I’m thirty-five. I live at home with my mom. I have no job and I don’t want one. My hair is thinning and my beer gut isn’t getting any smaller. I don’t use fancy words like “Excuse me” or “Thank you” to impress women, and you can open your own door. I like hanging out with my buddies watching sports and playing video games. I don’t like to be nagged on and that’s why I ain’t got no cell phone so my match won’t be pestering me about wanting to go shopping and stuff during “my time.” I don’t like puppies or butterflies so if you have them as pets leave them at home or keep them outside when I come over.

I’m not going to waste a lot of cash on a date unless I think it’s going to be worth it for me. I need money to keep my car running. I have a 1972 pinto that I painted to look like the general lee on the dukes of hazard. It has three white-walls and a snow tire but it’s pretty fast and has a lot of space in the back seat. I think it’s fun to honk at old people or to run over animals playing on the side of the road. If my match has a better car than me I will probably need to borrow it especially when delivering pizza.

I know girls want a guy who’s healthy so I can sure eat a healthy amount of food at every meal. My mom is a great cook so my match needs to learn all she can from her. I have been watching my weight and now I only drink lite beers. Being that I’m an honest guy I’ll tell you I don’t exercise, but I used to be a big deal in high school and I still have my varsity jacket to prove it. I don’t wear it much anymore cause at my age it just looks silly. I can only snap the bottom button. But I do dress pretty good for a guy my size. My match should work out a lot and not be… well, you know. I don’t have any back hair which all my men’s magazines say women like. By the way, I score pretty high on the relationship surveys that they have printed inside. I am disease free now and should be fine, and I also don’t do drugs anymore.

I joined match cause this was an easy way to find hot girls without all the work of talking to them first. I already have a girl friend but it’s not going to last because we’re related… by marriage. Besides, I’m a one-woman man and will dump her as soon as I hook up with you. We won’t need to worry about my ex cause my aunt already promised she’d keep her out of my business if I find someone better. I also joined because I’m a pretty sensitive guy. I don’t like rejection. It really hurts when I go up to a girl and she slaps me. It’s harder to do that to me on a computer.

So basically what I’m looking for is a girl who’s totally hot, 25 – 35 years old (you have to have a photo on here to prove it), has a good job, buys me stuff, lets me hang at her place and drink beer, lends me her car, gives me money, doesn’t nag me and really digs strip clubs. If I turned up in your search then the computer thinks we’re a match and we should totally hook up.

Hey, it was the best jerk a nice guy like me could dream up. I hope I snag some hotties!


Media Kit

Below is a downloadable version of the media kit for Clark Kent's Lunchbox


God and Bean Burritos

OK, if the title lead you to believe that God is endorsing Mexican food in some newly discovered passage of the Bible, sorry. Although, if a likeness of Jesus can be miraculously found in a toasted cheese sandwich and sell on e-bay for thousands then I wouldn't want to be accused of limiting the Creator of the Heavens and short-order cuisine. No, this really has nothing to do with food at all. Just something of a question. OK, here goes:

Can God make a bean burrito soooooo hot he couldn't eat it?

Well, could he? The answer has been tormenting me for years.

The other day I was hearing of all the debate within a church congregation over the format of the church service. Apparently there were some pretty strong opinions - people even left. Then a few days later I was talking to a girl that attended another church in the area. I made an innocent reference to the church's nickname which prompted a discussion about why people from other churches feel the need to put down a church that seeks after God and is doing allot of good. Both incidents brought to mind my bean burrito conundrum. In fact, it's been the bean burrito debate that's made me afraid of church for all the years since leaving high school. I mean I've seen some pretty heated debates, even been involved in them earlier in my life, and I've never seen one end well. Heck, even Peter and Paul supposedly had a little tiff. Instead of Black-on-Black violence would this be considered Fish-on-Fish?

I've wondered why God doesn't just say, "Hey you're right and you're wrong." I mean how does one argue their opinion with God and think they have a chance? There's been allot of people that I've seen and met that see themselves as the voice of God, but when it came down to it they were really God's "Opinion Bearer." Growing up in an extremely religious environment there was a high concentration of these Heavenly Opinion Bearers - kind of like particles in an atom squeezed in a this tiny space where they were forced to have allot of contact. Someone would throw out the bean burrito question and they would all bounce around like mad in debate until eventually one of them would split a particle and boom! Mushroom cloud. Problem was I (an others) had bunches of other questions like how do I love others when I find it hard to love myself. But no one was around to ask. Everyone was dealing with the fall-out from the bean burrito explosion.

I was still thinking about bean burritos while getting out of the shower and I guess drying my hair jarred loose the question, "Why does God need people to share His opinions?" He doesn't. God doesn't have opinions. He's absolute truth. Everything else is irrelevant. Game over. So why do I waste my time with opinions and theories on what he can do with a bean burrito? or how a church service should run or why my church is better than your church? It just doesn't matter. We're supposed to love - God, ourselves and others, right? In which case while debating the burrito someone that needed a burrito just went hungry and we missed it.

(Author's Note: If scripture did exist demonstrating God's promotion of Mexican food my guess is it would likely be found in Revelations as Mexican food for me is quite the Tribulation in my digestive track and usually ends in some apocalyptic fashion).


To Dine on Dogs

Last night my sister sent me an article about a man in England who, out of protest to the King and Queen's apathetic treatment of animals... ate a dog. It's been all over the news so you probably have heard all the details already. Mark MacGowen, a 37 year old artist ate a dog similar to the one owned by King Phillip out of protest to fox hunts and the Royal's treatment of animals. So let's get this straight... I don't like how you are treating animals sooooo I'm going to kill one and eat it out of protest. That's like saying Kathy Lee Gifford is making clothes in nasty, dank sweatshops in Singapore so out of protest I'm going to eat one of the workers. That'll show her. Of course some people may see cannibalizing Kathy Lee as an acceptable solution but that would mean that our canine-feasting activist would have to boil the King and Queen and chow them down with a little blood pudding and kidney pie...

In any case I fail to see the logic. Ok, granted, he was trying to call attention to the situation - and he did because I'm actually writing about the little dogie-diner, but I wonder if he called more attention to himself than the actually cause he was championing? I'm picturing two English lasses sitting on a park bench near Buckingham Palace waiting for their bus.

One girl folds down her paper. "I say, Did you hear of the chap that ate a dog the other day?"

The other girl stairs into a pocket mirror admiring her jumble of teeth, "No, do tell what a bloody awful thing to do. Did it give any reason as to why the bugger would do such a thing?"

"It says here that it had something to do with the Queen, God save her." The girl ruffles through the paper and tosses it in the trash.

The second girl runs her fingers over her gums, "Shame it is, Mum ... Do you think my teeth look crooked?"

"Oh no, not tat all, I think they look quite straight if you ask me."

What was I talking about? Oh, the Dog Eater, right. I almost forgot... Well, I will say this - I don't want this guy protesting anything else. Just keep your activist butt home, pal. What if this guy starts taking on other issues? If he protests:

- the treatment of migrant workers, does he eat one in protest?
- the environment, does he start eating dirt?
- global warming, does he start eating exhaust fumes, Freon, and aerosol?
- the homeless, does he eat a blanket, or a coat, or some old bowling shoes?
- the price of gas? does he drink motor oil?
- the government, does he munch on a congressman? (he'd get an upset stomach)
- lead levels in the water, does he start eating pencils? paint chips?
- gun control, eat a bullet?

Ok, I'm just amusing myself (and boring everyone). I guess if I were going to protest something I'd make sure I wasn't a living out an oxymoron as I did so (now being just a plain moron is another mater). Incidentally, I wouldn't be a quitter either... the chap only ate 3 bites! A whole dog and only 3 bites... now that's just wasteful. How are the same people that followed Churchil's resolve in fighting the Germans in the air, on the beaches and in the city going to be roused to riotous marches and weiner dog roasts against the crown when their fearless leader will only eat 3 lousy bites! Shameful.

PS. Author's note: while stationed in Korea the author did eat dog or as it was called, Kagogee (ka-go-gee) or "dog on a stick." He would also like to mention that it is quite stringy.... and yes, it tastes like chicken.


My "Secret Identity"

Writer Bio
Ron Mattocks is a freelance writer and a father of five. Prior to this, Mr. Mattocks served as an Infantry Captain in the United States Army after which he transitioned to corporate America, working for two leading national homebuilders from 2001 to 2007. During his time in the residential real estate industry, Mr. Mattocks’ titles included President of Operations (Houston), Vice President of Purchasing (Houston), and Vice President of Sales (Chicago).

Following his departure from the corporate world in 2007, Mr. Mattocks turned to writing while also joining millions of other men in becoming a stay-at-home dad to his two stepdaughters. Over this same period, he started Clark Kent’s Lunchbox, now ranked as one of the Top 20 Daddy Blogs ( In 2011 Mattocks was listed among the Top 50 Influential Daddies  (#6), the Top 50 Daddy Bloggers  (#17) according to Klout score as well as being named one of the Top 25 Dad Bloggers (#2) for the year according to data compiled by media relation company, Cision. He was also among those named to's Top 50 Dad Bloggers. Mattocks is a regular panel speaker at blogging conferences such as the Blog World Expo, LA,  Mom 2.0, Type A Mom (now Parent), M3 Summit and Dad 2.0 as well as serving as a brand ambassador for Carnival Cruise Lines and Let's Play.

In March 2010, Mr. Mattocks released his book, Sugar Milk: What One Dad Drinks When He Can’t Afford Vodka, (available through Amazon) which is based on a number of his earlier blog posts that chronicled his progression from traditional working man to stay-at-home father. The book has earned mentions in Reuters New, The Globe and Mail and The Bund-Pic, as well as receiving favorable endorsements from such noted experts as The Daddy Shift author, Jeremy Adam Smith; Tom Matlack, founder of The Good Men Project, and author John Cave Osborne.

Mr. Mattocks is a regular contributor to The Huffington Post and, Open Salon and a number of other publications. His articles have been featured on Daily Buzz, Sloth Jockey, Prodigal Magazine, Errant Parent, and The Good Men Project. Mr. Mattocks has also had his writing featured on public radio, and his essay “Death Wish” was awarded a semifinalist nod by (See Writing Samples for more of his work).

Mr. Mattocks graduated in 1998 from St. Edwards University with a degree in English Literature, and was a Commandant’s List graduate at the Army’s Infantry Officer Basic Course in Fort Benning, Georgia. He has participated in a number of writing workshops and seminars at Rice University, and is a certified high school English teacher in the state of Texas. You can also read more about Ron's professional background at this site.

Mr. Mattocks is a native of North Western Pennsylvania, but now lives in Indiana with his wife Ashley.

You can contact Ron at of 

To view Ron's writing look over the Sample Page.

If you are a PR Firm or representing a brand please read my Media Kit



A number of awards by bloggers better than myself. I am truly grateful for them.


Press, Interviews, and Featured

Through Clark Kent's Lunchbox and his book, Sugar Milk, Ron Mattocks has earned a number of press mentions and interviews, most of which you'll find listed here.

Web & Print Media

Photo credit: Richard Carson, Reuters


Writing Samples

Below are a list of some of my published work and most well-received posts. I am also a regular contributor to Houston Family Magazine, Man of The, The Good Men Project, and Aiming Low. In addition to those below, you can read my latest published work by clicking HERE.

When I was a boy, I watched my dad sink an axe blade into his right leg. He was trying to crack a welded join, connecting a pair of fifty-five-gallon barrels, when the axe head ricocheted off a drum and struck him square in the shin. I remember the dull thump of the metal hitting his leg and the bloody splinters of bone hanging from the cut in his jeans; but mostly I remember the calm way in which he went into the house, took a shower, and then drove himself to the hospital. Aside from muttering something about being stupid, Dad never said a word. Still, the pain contorting his face at every jagged step told me how much agony he must have been in. Read more

With another season of Mad Men over, my wife and I are left with a big hole to fill in our entertainment schedule. This constitutes a real problem. We're talking about Mad Men — not some cream-puff comedy easily replaced by a few rounds of Wii bowling. Night after night we have sat on the couch, she holding a tumbler of scotch, the day's newspaper folded neatly in her lap, and me in my apron, swirling my third glass of merlot. If that sounded backward, then allow me to explain. While my wife brings home the organic, hormone-free turkey-bacon, I am a stay-at-home dad (or SAHD). Our dynamic is not atypical for today, but back when the word "stereotype" might be confused with a brand of Hi-Fi radio and helicopters were odd enough without associating them with a type of parenting, the concept of a father as the primary caregiver would have raised the suspicions of both men and women. Read more

Public Radio's This I Believe

I once took a college course studying Shakespeare's comedies where the professor contended humor could not exist without tragedy. I feigned understanding, but frankly, my grasp of the concept extended no farther than it being a fact to remember for the final exam. This probably explains why I earned only a C, despite attempts to bribe the professor by loaning him books. I think he caught on, and to spite me, he kept them. Read more

My wife, it seems, clings to the hope her eventual death will involve some element of peculiarity about it. Traditional means such as car crashes and old age fail to suffice, falling into a category deemed “mundane to the point of bordering on vulgarity.

For all we agree on, this is one area where I am at a loss, being perfectly comfortable with whatever fate may hold. This naturally makes me the polar opposite of my wife, who employs a certain religious fervor in seeking out the holy grail of her demise. Specifically, this would be a death that allows adequate time to bask in the sympathy from others, but at the same time is devoid of pain, complicated treatment and any potential for survival.
Read more

"One Smart Cookie" Blog Nosh Magazine

An economic downturn. The loss of a job. The struggles to make ends meet. Sound familiar? I could probably rattle off at least two dozen people living through this right now. It’s miserable. I should know.

In 2006 I was a hotshot real estate executive who was pulling down a ridiculous six figure income while driving a hot car and partying with even hotter women. I lived in a downtown loft, wore designer suits, and pretty much did as I pleased. Okay, I know what’s going through your head, but wait, it gets better. By the end of 2007 I was engaged, laid off and flat broke. Not only that, I was about to gain two stepdaughters and couldn’t afford to visit my three sons who lived several states away.
Read the Rest Here

My wife and I have rediscovered the joy of sleeping in on the weekends, now that the kids are capable of getting their own breakfast. We had almost forgotten the luxury of not being wrenched into consciousness five hours earlier than normal. God only knows how many times the two of us have been awakened at 6:15 a.m. by the girls’ hovering over us -- their eyebrows raised and arms folded as if to say: “Aren’t you forgetting something here? Like maybe our food?”
Read more

ARod: Getting ready to work out. I feel PUMPED!

Angelina: Sent Brad to the store for milk and diapers.

PrezHilton: ReTweet—Angelina sent Brad to the store for milk and diapers! Trouble?

JoelOsteen: Back from having teeth laser-whitened and Jesus gave me a BMW M5 series just for the hope my smile brings to the world! You can get one too!

HILARY2012: Headed to Africa on goodwill tour. Great experience for next election. Wonder what Palin is doing? Who rocks now?

ChrisBrown: In my ride heading to my girl Rihanna's crib and singing Wall to Wall.

CHUCK_NORRIS: Chuck Norris can whiten teeth by shooting lasers from his eyes and then gives you a BMW if you call him Jesus

Read more

"Peek-A-Booty" Excerpt from my book, Sugar Milk: What One Dad Drinks When He Can't Afford Vodka released March 2010
Since I'd started staying home with Allie and Avery, I found myself contending with a number of issues outside my realm of expertise. Take wardrobe choices, for instance. The usual routine consistent of Ashley selecting the girls’ clothes the night before; however, as soon as she left for work in the morning, Allie and Avery tossed them aside, overcome by a sudden urge to go with something a little more couture. A sensible look, consisting of a pink shirt, a powder blue jacket, and a pair of butterfly-embroidered jeans was subsequently replaced with a zip-up, gold vest; striped pajama bottoms; and a Tinker Bell skirt, previously part of last year’s Halloween costume. At first, I was unyielding, firm in my insistence that the girls change into their predetermined outfits, but eventually, I realized this was a matter of picking my battles, and I backed off. So, when Allie walked out of her room wearing a ratty, Hannah Montana dress-up wig and a green, full-body leotard under a polka-dot, poodle skirt, I thought, Oh why not? At least such out-of-the-box creativity helped to foster her self-esteem. This notion was reinforced by one of her school progress reports, when the teacher commented on how much the staff appreciated Allie’s “progressive fashion sense.” Read more.

So, no kiddin’ there I was, knee deep in Barbie clothes and Care Bears, when I checked my Facebook account. Low and behold what did I see, but an ad banner at the top flashing the message, “Hot Christian Singles Are Looking To Find You.”

Hmmm, I gotta see this, I think to myself. This is not because I’m a bored, lonely “housewife” but because growing up in the church “Hot” Christian Singles – especially of the female species – were something akin to a Sasquatch sighting. People claimed to have seen one, but it was rare and largely unconfirmed. Of course, Sasquatch probably is a poor choice of comparison given the similarities it also shared with the actual Christian singles I knew
. Read more

To many, it might seem odd for a guy in his mid-thirties to be such a huge fan of Superman. If I worked in the comic book industry, or if I was a serious collector it would make more sense – but I am neither. In fact, I wasn’t even interested in The Man of Steel until a few years ago when I first moved to Chicago.

I bought Season 1 of the CW television show
Smallville as something to watch until my cable was hooked up. If you’ve never heard or seen it before, Smallville is an exploration into the life of Clark Kent as a late teen and early adult as he learns to use his developing powers through many adventures prior to donning the now iconic cape and tights as Superman. Read more

"Dad, Mr. B yells at us more than you do." These aren't exactly the most comforting to words to hear from your child as they describe their stepfather. I can imagine few situations worse than having your child's welfare in the hands of a strange man. So when my seven year-old son told me this from four states away, I remained calm, but mentally a boat load of questions were swirling around on a tidal wave of emotion. Who does this guy think he is verbally abusing my boys? Read more

So I'm waiting to get a haircut and flipping through a parenting magazine when, there it was: another ode to the mommy bloggers article. Well, isn’t that just special. This is the same thought I had last month perusing Babble's list of the Top 50 Mommy Bloggers, and it’s the same thought I always have when somebody writes another oo-la-la feature about the power of moms with Internet access. Listen up sisters. I am dad (with DSL). Hear me roar. Read more

There's a boy at the bus stop. Cute kid, deep dark eyes, bright charismatic grin-probably in kindergarten. He's also a holy terror. He will rip things he wants out of other kids' hands. He tears around the entry drive, darting in front of moving cars without regard. When the drivers blow their horns, all the adults turn and look at him, wondering where his parents are. Usually, he's the last one on the bus because he has to find where he left his backpack. You can see the annoyance on the bus driver's face as she holds the door over, waiting for him to locate it. Read more

I remember, as a sophomore, having this hilarious conversation with a friend about sex. It was one of those grey winter afternoons and we were parked outside of the Christian high school the both of us attended. Part of what made it funny was the fact we were both virgins so conversations like this were sort of an indirect testing ground for guys to ascertain if the thoughts fueled on by your raging hormones were either normal or an indication of incurable sexual deviancy. Being good Baptists, of course, our entire talk was framed within the context of our assumed marriages.

“On my honeymoon I’m going to burry my head right between my wife’s breasts and go crazy,” my friend said cupping a set of imaginary double D’s that he jiggled slightly to enhance the realism. Read more


Military Resume

Captain, Infantry, United States Army

MAY 01 – MAR 03
Brigade Assistant Operations Officer: Responsible for developing, coordinating and implementing all operations pertaining to the military training, disaster relief, and home-land security operations involving a 2,500 – soldier mechanized, infantry brigade in the Texas National Guard.

  • Graduated top 5% out of 250 students from the Infantry Company Commander’s Career Course at Ft. Benning, Georgia.
  • Earned the Army Achievement Medal for efforts during the Brigade War-fighter Exercise at Ft. Leavenworth, Kansas.

DEC 00 – MAY 01
Company Executive Officer: Second-in-command of a 129-soldier, rifle-company charged with overseeing the logistical and support services provided to the company while maintaining the accountability and serviceability of over 1.1 million dollars worth of organizational equipment.

  • Created a company maintenance program for organizational equipment latter adopted by the battalion.
  • Recorded the highest maintenance rating out of 4 other companies in the unit.

AUG 99 – DEC 00
Rifle Platoon Leader: Held accountable for the overall welfare, training, administration, personnel management, logistical support and tactical employment of a 36-man, rifle platoon while maintaining and accounting for over $250,000 worth of organizational equipment.

  • Rated #1 platoon of 4 in training proficiency by the company commander.
  • Authored a team leader-training course published in Infantry Magazine.
  • Implemented a fitness program resulting in the highest, physical-fitness score in the battalion.

NOV 98 – AUG 99
Detachment Executive Officer: Second-in-command of a 100-soldier detachment with additional duties supervising the planning, training, supply functions, logistical support and readiness of the unit while operating a 45-vehicle, motor pool.

  • Coordinated the re-deployment a 500-man task force from the peacekeeping mission in Sinai, Egypt; decorated for achievement.
  • Attended the Infantry Officer Basic Course graduating #5 of 145; Commandant’s List Selection.

AUG 98 – NOV 98
Recruiting Officer: Charged with recruiting perspective officer candidates from both incoming college students at five universities/colleges and active duty soldiers from two major military installations.

  • Selected ahead of 4 qualified peers for Recruiting Officer position.
  • Designed innovative recruiting materials including CD-ROM and informational brochures distributed to over 3,000 new students; decorated for achievement.

JUL 95 – AUG 98 Enrolled at St. Edward’s University

JUN 91 – JUL 95
Medical Specialist: Trained to perform routine health care and medical administrative procedures as well as provide preventative medicine and emergency medical treatment in both a field and hospital environment.

  • Selected from among candidates nationally by the Department of the Army for the Green-To-Gold ROTC Scholarship.
  • Attended the Army Medical Specialist Course; top 10% of 160.


Business Resume

GM VP / DIRECTOR Operation / Project Manager

P&L / Operational Improvements / Performance Management /Team Building / Product Development / Pricing Negotiations / Turn Around / Customer Relations / Cost Reduction / Process Improvement / Risk Control

High energy leader who drove various Fortune 200 Lennar Homes divisions to highest rankings in net return on assets and customer satisfaction in record time. Built, trained and motivated high performing teams to exceed employer s ambitious objectives. Noted for turning around
underperforming sales in declining and enormously competitive markets.

* Led newly-formed Lennar Homes division to #1 in region in one year
* Turned around unprofitable Lennar Division to achieve first time profitability
* Decreased division s home sales fallout rates 25% and exceeded industry norm with a 32% return on assets
* Increased Lennar Division s buyer satisfaction from lowest tier to #1 in company, as well as Houston market

Key skills: Action and results oriented. Troubleshoot and rapidly synthesize information to provide quality solutions. Meet or exceed demanding objectives in highly competitive environments. Consistently find new alternatives that work. Ability to get things done quickly without sacrificing quality. Strong verbal communicator, relating to people at all levels.


Lennar Homes. Fortune 200 home builder, with multiple communities either sold or under construction in 18 states. Consistently promoted to new and broader challenge with P&L responsibility through the following positions.

VP Sales Operations, Chicago South Division, 2006 to May 2007.
Promoted and transferred to manage 22 direct reports in overall daily sales operations and strategy in the first-time and move-up market. Responsible for meeting projections, cost control and orchestrating new community openings. Drove division sales to #1 in net sales and sales per community.

Director, Sales Marketing, Houston Division, 2005 to 2006.
Directed sales and marketing strategy/operations in affordable housing market. Oversaw loan approval, product development, cost control, new community tracking and realtor relations. Greater Houston Builders Association PRISM Award winner for Sales Manager of the Year.

Division President, Northwest Houston Division, 2004 to 2005.
Promoted to develop newly formed division focusing on single-family residential homebuilding. Directed all operations including quality control, production, new home sales, warranty, land procurement, cost control, buyer satisfaction, new product development and related
administrative support.

Earlier, 2001 to 2004:
Promotion and responsibility through the following positions: VP Purchasing Operations, Area Production Manager, Quality Assurance Manager, and Customer Care Specialist.

Education and Training

BA, English Literature, St. Edwards University.

Extensive Leadership training as a Captain in the U.S. Army.



Undergoing MyBlogLog Verification

Undergoing MyBlogLog Verification



To email me, I'm at clarksdouble AT gmail DOT com.

Tell me about your site, compare notes or share an opinion... in any case I usually respond to everyone.

I hope to hear from you.


For Brands & PR

Over the lifespan of Clark Kent's Lunchbox, I've had the privileged to work with a number of well-recognized brands (listed below) on projects both big and small ranging from short-term campaigns to ambassadorships. These have been rewarding opportunities with reciprocal value for all parties involved.

When working with me, you can be assured of a professional relationship with an experienced background of executive-level management in the corporate world. This gives me an added dimension in understanding your company's or your client's aims. In applicable cases I will supply you with statistical feedback that can be used in gauging the ROI.

If you are a brand or PR firm interesting in working with me, I am always glad to hear from you; however, please keep in mind a couple things:

This blog is a personal blog, written and edited by the owner.

I do not guarantee that the service(s) I provide will guarantee the success of a campaign or product.

I do not offer refunds once services have been provided and payment has made for said services.

If a project is halted midway and services have been provided I will charge a kill fee (usually 40% of agreed amount).

I DO NOT do product reviews, paid advertorials, second-party posts, promotional giveaways, or coupons. 

I will not post offensive material/ads regarding race, gender, religion, etc.

This blog is “PG13” and avoids nudity, strong language and off-color humor.

This in not a political blog, and therefore, does not endorse the political views of any party or affiliation.

The views expressed on this blog are mine and do not necessarily reflect the ideas of those I may represent.

This blog may contain content that could present a conflict of interest, and might not be identified.

I comply with all applicable regulations set forth by the Federal Trade Commission on the disclosure of compensation, products, etc in exchange for services rendered.

All material represented here is the original work of the owner unless otherwise stated and is protected under a Creative Commons license.

If you address me as “Clark” in your emails, I will blow you off like a fly on my cake.

Please review my MEDIA KIT for a full list of disclosures.

Thank you.




PR Firms

Below is a downloadable media kit for Clark Kent's Lunchbox

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