Jerks Women Love

One of the oldest and most baffling questions that men have is, "Why do women love guys that are jerks?" Nice guys especially repeatedly find themselves questioning their own sanity every time they meet some really sweet girl only to find out that they are with the biggest jerk in the world. I have a few theories on why nice girls feel so inclined, but I'm going to hold off on that for a few weeks because I've decided to run a little low tech social experiment. It's no secret that I have tried the e-dating sites... eharmony, match.com. etc and that I consider them something of a joke (everything is a joke of some sorts to me). On my match.com account I still have a few weeks left before renewal (which I won't) so rather than running the "nice guy" profile of myself I thought I'd replace it with the profile of my "polar opposite." The purpose of the experiment is to see if I actually get an increase in "people who viewed my profile" and email responses. Prior to this my actual profile averaged about 3.7 viewings per day and 1.5 emails per week (usually the emails were to tell me they liked my profile and could I help them write theirs - no kidding!). So with my "jerk" profile I am going to test if there is an increase if from my "nice-guy" profile.

I thought I'd re-post my profile as a jerk here for your reading pleasure. To familiarize everyone with the format, match.com has you fill out numerous preference check-lists, and stats on yourself that will be used as a filter for those searching for someone that matches (hence the name) what requirements they have plugged in. If you meet their requirements then they get to see your answers to the questions I've listed below. For those of you that know me you can figure out what my real responses to these questions were. At the end of June I'll report back what the result were.

Profile Headline:

"The Biggest Jerk You'll Ever Meet... and the Computer Says We're A Match! Cool!"
What are your interests?
Play Video Games, uh, hang out, um, just stuff. Oh, I like to watch stuff blow up. If you like to do stuff or you like fire then we're a match.

Favorite local hot spots or travel destinations?
I like places where I can drink and talk to girls. Eatin at Hooters and buffets. I have alot of coupons for free meals that are going to expire. I want to take a date to a strip club. That would be awesome. If you like strip clubs we're a match
Favorite things?My XBox, watching sports at someone's pad cause I don't have cable. Gory movies, comic books and a motorcycle. It would be cool if my match had a job and could help me get a smokin bike. If you want to ride on a bike we're a match.
What's the last thing you read?Maxim Mag,s Hot 100 Women of 2007. Those hotties were all a "match" for me. Playboy and not for the articles either. A couple comic books. I don't read much except for guy mags with lot's of cool pics. If you're a model then we're a match.
What kind of job do you have?Don't really have a regular job. If I need some money I usually fill out a couple of those online surveys for cash. Sometimes I deliver pizza when I need drinkin money or to fix my green 72 Pinto. If you have a job then we are a match.
Which ethnicities describe you the best?Don't know. I send Father's Day cards to all the guys in the trailer park each year. I'm just glad I'm not in bred and that my family doesn't look like a bamboo shoot. If you are not my sister then we're a match.
What is your faith?I used to go to church but that was only cause I thought church girls liked being bad. I'm not allowed to go anymore. I am still praying for my bike but I am probably being punished. If you are a church girl that likes to be bad then we're a match.
How would you describe your education?Got my GED (Get Er Done) last summer. I also have lot's of certifications, hair nets and name badges. School is cool cause of the uniforms girls have to wear. If you have a school girl uniform we're a match. Wearing the glasses is a bonus.
In Your Own Words Describe Yourself and Your Ideal Match
Girls keep saying they want guys that are honest, well then here goes. I’m thirty-five. I live at home with my mom. I have no job and I don’t want one. My hair is thinning and my beer gut isn’t getting any smaller. I don’t use fancy words like “Excuse me” or “Thank you” to impress women, and you can open your own door. I like hanging out with my buddies watching sports and playing video games. I don’t like to be nagged on and that’s why I ain’t got no cell phone so my match won’t be pestering me about wanting to go shopping and stuff during “my time.” I don’t like puppies or butterflies so if you have them as pets leave them at home or keep them outside when I come over.

I’m not going to waste a lot of cash on a date unless I think it’s going to be worth it for me. I need money to keep my car running. I have a 1972 pinto that I painted to look like the general lee on the dukes of hazard. It has three white-walls and a snow tire but it’s pretty fast and has a lot of space in the back seat. I think it’s fun to honk at old people or to run over animals playing on the side of the road. If my match has a better car than me I will probably need to borrow it especially when delivering pizza.

I know girls want a guy who’s healthy so I can sure eat a healthy amount of food at every meal. My mom is a great cook so my match needs to learn all she can from her. I have been watching my weight and now I only drink lite beers. Being that I’m an honest guy I’ll tell you I don’t exercise, but I used to be a big deal in high school and I still have my varsity jacket to prove it. I don’t wear it much anymore cause at my age it just looks silly. I can only snap the bottom button. But I do dress pretty good for a guy my size. My match should work out a lot and not be… well, you know. I don’t have any back hair which all my men’s magazines say women like. By the way, I score pretty high on the relationship surveys that they have printed inside. I am disease free now and should be fine, and I also don’t do drugs anymore.

I joined match cause this was an easy way to find hot girls without all the work of talking to them first. I already have a girl friend but it’s not going to last because we’re related… by marriage. Besides, I’m a one-woman man and will dump her as soon as I hook up with you. We won’t need to worry about my ex cause my aunt already promised she’d keep her out of my business if I find someone better. I also joined because I’m a pretty sensitive guy. I don’t like rejection. It really hurts when I go up to a girl and she slaps me. It’s harder to do that to me on a computer.

So basically what I’m looking for is a girl who’s totally hot, 25 – 35 years old (you have to have a photo on here to prove it), has a good job, buys me stuff, lets me hang at her place and drink beer, lends me her car, gives me money, doesn’t nag me and really digs strip clubs. If I turned up in your search then the computer thinks we’re a match and we should totally hook up.

Hey, it was the best jerk a nice guy like me could dream up. I hope I snag some hotties!