The Weekly News

All,

Thought I'd try something a little different and post a Weekly News Update of actual news headlines from the week... only with a little "spin" on them. That said, here's this weeks' news highlights.

PORN STAR GET’S SCREWED BY THE SYSTEM
LEBANON, Tenn. - A porn actress who claimed she performed oral sex on a state trooper who stopped her for speeding lost her chance to avoid the ticket he issued because she failed to appear in court Friday. Justice Richert, 21, known by fans as “Barbie Cummings,” must pay the $159 ticket despite servicing trooper James Randy Moss. For the 16 motorists that did show in court that day all charges were dropped. According to the court clerk, had “Barbie” showed the ticket would have been dismissed. Prosecutors are seeking charges on Moss who video tapped the incident. Upon hearing the news socialite Paris Hilton, recently released from jail for violating terms of her probation exclaimed, “Damn! Why didn’t I think of that!” She later fired her long-time attorney and his legal team stating incompetence.

BALD EAGLE BACK IN SEASON SAYS BUSH
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The American bald eagle, pushed to near-extinction in the United States by the pesticide DDT, is now recovered and will be removed from the Endangered Species list, the U.S. interior secretary said on Thursday. President George W. Bush struck a patriotic note in a White House statement recognizing the bald eagle's comeback: "This great conservation achievement means more and more Americans across the nation will enjoy the thrill of seeing bald eagles soar. What a wonderful way to celebrate this Fourth of July." The President continued by saying that it won’t be long before the bald eagle will be in season and Americans can hunt them again without remorse.”

PARROTS FREED FROM DUFFEL SMUGGLER
PHOENIX (Reuters) - U.S. Border police found ten Amazon parrots stuffed in the duffel bag of a man crossing from Mexico, authorities said on Thursday. Customs and Border Protection officers at the San Ysidro port of entry, south of San Diego, Calif., found the small, green birds hidden in a bag in a pickup truck on Tuesday, and arrested the driver, a U.S. citizen. Upon opening the bag the parrots were relieved to know their ordeal was over. “We were promised a new life in America,” one parrot said. Others claimed that they could bring their families to America once they earned enough money working in various pets shops. “These men lied to us, they are devils!” said another angry parrot. Illegal Amazon parrot smuggling has risen 57% in the last 6 months since the discovery that parrots are not good swimmers and thus cannot negotiate the Rio Grande River on the US / Mexico border. Duffel bags and body-cavities have become popular methods for getting the parrots into the US illegally.

CHENEY ALL TOO WILLING TO COMPLY
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Subpoenas were issued to the office of the Vice President in its widening probe of fired federal prosecutors. The subpoenas were issued two weeks ago by Patrick Leahy and his counterpart in the House of Representatives, Judiciary Committee Chairman John Conyers, a Michigan Democrat. Leahy and Conyers are investigating Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' firing last year of nine of the nation's 93 U.S. attorneys. They set Thursday as the deadline for turning over most documents. In a statement following the issuing of the subpoenas Vice President Dick Cheney pledged his office’s full cooperation in the matter as well as extending invitations to both Leahy and Conyers to join him in a quail hunt later this month at his home in Texas.

POISONED TOOTHPASTE NOT INTENDED FOR THE INSANE
NEW YORK (Reuters) - Chinese-made toothpaste tainted with a potentially poisonous chemical was distributed to more places in the United States than initially thought, the New York Times reported on Thursday. About 900,000 tubes of toothpaste containing diethylene glycol, an ingredient in antifreeze, were distributed to hospitals for the mentally ill, prisons, juvenile detention centers and some hospitals serving the general population, the Times said. Drug distributor McKesson Corp. was recalling its EverFRESH brand after finding trace amounts of the chemical, the Times said, adding that McKesson could not immediately determine any customers had bought the product. McKesson Corp seemed even less concerned over the effects on those receiving public health care. “Who cares if a mentally-ill ax-murderer has clean teeth and fresh breath? We’re trying to get rid of these people anyway, right?” a company spokesman asked. Earlier this month, Colgate-Palmolive Co. said "fake toothpaste" containing diethylene glycol was found in four U.S. states, but said the toothpaste posed a low health risk. The statement prompted inquiries as to what the hell is “fake toothpaste?” and could it be found next to fake deodorant, and fake shampoo at Walmart?

LOUISIANA CUCKOLLED OVER COCKFIGHT BAN
NEW ORLEANS (Reuters) - Louisiana will become the last state to outlaw cockfighting under a bill approved by the state legislature on Wednesday. The ban, which will take effect in August 2008, follows a measure in New Mexico that outlawed cockfighting earlier this year. Animal anti-cruelty groups in Louisiana have long sought a ban on the bloody sport, in which trained roosters battle, often to death. But proponents of cockfighting managed to forestall a ban for years, defending the practice as an integral part of rural Louisiana culture. "The whole country has been focused on Louisiana due to our massive rebuilding and recovery efforts, and no one wanted to see Louisiana blemished with the stigma of being the only state that still allowed such a brutal and inhumane practice," Laura Maloney, executive director of the Louisiana Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, said in a written statement. When asked about the ban Louisiana native Brittney Spears flatly asked, “Now where can I take my children for a fun family activity?” The bill is expected to result in a tax increase to cover the cost of changing all marketing materials and campaigns generated by the Louisiana State Tourism Office. “First, the Hurricane clean ups robbed us of our garbage and smell and now we’re going to lose cockfighting. What’s next dental hygiene?” exclaimed one Tourism Office official who asked to remain anonymous. Cock-fighting in Louisiana was originated by early settlers living near the bayous as a means to toughen up chickens against alligator attacks.

SPICE GIRLS TO MIX IT UP AGAIN
LONDON - The Spice Girls wannabe stars again. Following a calculated publicity buildup, the original Girl Power group of the 1990s announced Thursday they had agreed to get together for 11 concerts around the world this winter. The shows will be their first concerts since breaking up in 2001. The group said the shows would include Los Angeles, Las Vegas, New York, London, Cologne, Madrid, Beijing, Hong Kong, Sydney, Cape Town, and Buenos Aires. “We really really wanted to do Baghdad, we keep hearing about it in the news but we couldn’t find it on any maps,” claimed Melanie "Sporty Spice" Chisholm, “We were really hoping to increase our fan base to a new unheard of market… Go Girl Power!” The band created in the mid-90’s will only perform popular songs from their albums spanning 1996 through the bands breakup in 2001. The planned performances will include and extended 55 minute remix of their world-famous hit “Wannabe” which will compliment the other 3 songs in the line-up. “We really don’t have any new material to perform,” said Emma "Baby Spice" Bunton, “All of us haven’t had an original thought since, like forever…. Girl Power! Whoo!” Reaction by former fans present at the news conference was less than enthusiastic as many held signs expressing their feelings over the tour. Spoofing the line "if ya wanna be my lover..." from their much over-played hit, one sign “if ya wanna be runover.” Other signs asked, “Dear God Why?” and “Are Piggies Really Flying?” Shows will begin in December of this year.

STEISAND REWARDS GERMANY WITH PLANNED PERFORMANCE
BERLIN (Reuters) - Germany will welcome U.S. entertainer Barbra Streisand with open arms when she performs at Berlin's Waldbuehne arena on this month, her first appearance in the country after turning down several invitations in the past. German media have linked the Jewish star's refusal to sing there until now to the fact Germany was responsible for the Holocaust. Paul Spiegel, the late leader of Germany's Jewish community, made repeated appeals to Streisand to come, and, before his mysterious and yet unsolved death last year, blamed the decision on the country's recent history. The 65-year-old singer declined to comment directly, when asked by Reuters about her refusal to perform in Germany before and her reasons for deciding to do so now. But she said in a statement: "Germany is a very different place than it was before World War Two.” She went on to say, “I think that I have punished them enough for what they have done. I hope that my refusals over the years have taught them a lesson. I think we’re even now. Should they kill another million Jews I will never perform their again, nor will I eat Bratz.” Then quickly added, “Oh, I already don’t eat Bratz – I’m Jewish!” Despite Streisand's agreement to perform in Germany she will not be staying overnight in the country as she plans to fly to Paris immediately following her concert her publicist said. Sources close to Steisand have said that even though she has forgiven Germany she does not want to stay long enough that she would have to take a shower during a visit. German officials again expressed their remorse for carrying out the holocaust. “Words cannot convey our shame.” The country’s Entertainment Chancellor said. “Had Adolph Hitler new that killing so many Jews would eventually prevent an Entertainer of Steisand’s magnitude to perform before the Aryan race I’m sure he would have reconsidered his actions.”

ESPN BLITZED BY HARASSMENT LAWSUIT
NEW YORK (Reuters) - A former make-up artist for a television sports talk show on Wednesday sued the broadcaster ESPN, one of the show's anchors and a panelist she worked with for sexual harassment. Rita Ragone sued Walt Disney Co. unit ESPN, saying that while working on the "Cold Pizza" show between February 2005 and April 2006 -- where she did make-up for co-host Jay Crawford -- she was subjected to sexual harassment from Crawford. According to the suit filed in federal court in Manhattan, Ragone said almost immediately after she began working for the show, Crawford began harassing her sexually, including daily verbal come-ons, dirty jokes and physical gestures such as grabbing her buttocks. "On one occasion, her butt was grabbed so forcefully, Ms. Ragone was propelled forward and into the air," the suit said. In a statement concerning the lawsuit an ESPN spokesman said of Crawford, “You can’t stop him, you can only hope to contain him!” The statement punctuated Crawford’s innocence by stating, “He! Didn’t! Go! All! The! Way!” While reporting the story on Court TV legal analysts on the show commented that ESPN spokesman’s delivery of the statement, was “Pure Butter,” and looked “Cooler than the other side of the pillow.”

$5 PLASMA TV’S AT WALMART! THAT NOT HOW THEY ROLL
MONROE, La. - While Wal-Mart is known for dropping its prices, one West Monroe, Louisiana man took the ad campaign seriously when he dropped the price of a plasma television from $984 to $4.88. Police arrested Chandon L. Simms, 23, on Tuesday at the retail store on a charge of felony theft. According to police reports, Simms carried a 42-inch Sanyo Plasma TV to a self-checkout aisle after switching the original price tag of $984 with one for only $4.88. Wal-Mart Loss Prevention officers witnessed the alleged transaction and called police. When the store officers stopped Simms on his way out the door, he produced a receipt for a television purchased at the West Monroe Wal-Mart, authorities said. Simms told officers that he was desperately seeking a new source of entertainment since learning of the recent ban on cock-fighting in Louisiana. When asked to comment on the matter, Walmart executives expressed outrage at the incident stating Simms’ actions ruin the company’s image as a retail business that offers quality product. One executive stated that if Mr. Simms wanted a $5 Plasma he should’ve gone to the Dollar Store or Big Lots!’

NEW HAMPSHIRE SPEEDLIMIT DANGEROUS CLAIMS LAWSUIT
DOVER, N.H. - A man with a penchant for speedy driving has come up with an unusual tactic for beating speeding tickets — raise the limit. So far this year, Larry Lemay has been ticketed four times for speeding. Rather than slow down, Lemay is suing the state Department of Transportation to study traffic and speed limits across New Hampshire, to see whether limits could be raised. Lemay's lawsuit, filed in Strafford County Superior Court, also asks a judge to order the Transportation Department to pay for his legal fees and the cost of the study, an estimated $1,853. Lemay said he believes many speed limits are set intentionally low so the state can cash in on drivers. "The state is making a lot of money doing this, and I want it stopped," he said. "It's wrong." Dave Hilts, the assistant attorney general representing the state, said Lemay's view that higher speed limits would lead to safer driving is shared on the Internet by many speed limit abolitionists, but is misguided. Once news of the lawsuit was made public both Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton announced plans to move New Hampshire contingent on the court’s ruling on the case.

TODDLER ADMITTED TO MENSA
LONDON (AFP)- A 2-year-old girl with an intelligence quotient of 152 has become the youngest current member of British Mensa, the international society for highly-intelligent people, it said Friday. Georgia Brown, aged two years and 10 months, was welcomed into the exclusive club after an assessment by a child psychologist. Mensa normally only tests people over the age of 10 and a half but accepts younger children who are found to be within the top 2 percent of the population. When asked what she thought about being part of such an exclusive club, the toddler replied, “You fools! Little do you realize that I have launched a ray gun into space so powerful it can destroy entire cities!” To which the little girl’s mother quickly joked, “Oooh, somebody needs a nappy.”


ROBBERS LEAVE “CALLING” CARD
BERLIN (Reuters) - Two German teenagers robbed a girl but accidentally left their own pictures behind for police on a discarded mobile phone. After stealing a 15-year-old's shoes, money and mobile phone, the two older girls gave her an old mobile phone, police in the western city of Bochum said on Wednesday. But the two 17-year-olds had forgotten the phone had their own photos, striking smiley poses, which police published online on Tuesday in an effort to find the culprits. The two muggers turned themselves in almost simultaneously when the pictures appeared on the evening news. "One girl was brought down by her father after he saw her on the television," said police spokesman Frank Plewka. "Today the pictures were in the papers, so the father's phone has been ringing all day, because everyone recognized them." Once news of the robbery broke a spokesman for temperamental entertainer Barbara Streisand stated that Striesand was reconsidering her plans to perform in Germany.

INDIA SEARCHING FOR “CONDOM MAN”
NEW DELHI (Reuters) - India, struggling to promote greater condom use among its population, is looking to hire its own "condom man" to follow the example of a former Thai cabinet minister who successfully pushed for safer sex. National AIDS Control Organization (NACO) chief Sujatha Rao said that India needed to find someone like Mechai Viravaidya, famous for getting Thais to talk about sex, condoms and AIDS. "We are serious about finding India's very own Mr Condom," Rao was quoted as saying after visiting Thailand to study its dramatic increase in condom use, which contributed to a sharp fall in new HIV infections. Mechai became famous in Thailand as the "Condom King" for actions such as taking condoms to World Bank talks as well as for the name of his Bangkok restaurant "Cabbages and Condoms," where condoms are a major part of the decor. The news prompted a flurry of activity in America’s entertainment industry. Two major networks announced plans for new reality shows this fall. FOX has begun plans for “Who Wants to Be a Condom?” while UPN will begin casting for “America’s Next Top Condom.” Restaurant franchises are looking capitalize on the idea as well. Hooters announced plans to open a condom-themed eatery as well as painting a select number of their jets in Hooters Airlines with the likeness of a condom covering the front half of the fuselage.

And that's the news for this week... sell crazy somewhere else cause were all full up here.