Chuck Norris Facts of Social Media

As a kid in school I had a really hard time staying focused during classes. Most of my teachers used to drone on and on and on about... well, stuff I managed to retain just long enough to pass tests and graduate. Rather than paying attention and taking notes, I would doodle all over my notebooks, filling up the pages until I couldn't even read what few lesson points I had written down.

You'd think as an adult I would've outgrown that whole thing, that I would be mature enough to give speakers the courtesy of listening to what they have to say. Not so. It's not that I mean any disrespect; it's just that my ADD, even with medication, causes my brain to float off to parts unknown.

Such was the case this past weekend at the conference in Atlanta. Where the idea came from I couldn't tell you, but with the event being centered on men and their use of social media, I had this image of Chuck Norris busting out blog posts and status updates. I mean who's more manly than Chuck Norris? So, in the same vein as my notebook doodling, I started sending out tweets about Chuck Norris facts related to the topic at hand. Apparently, they earned a few chuckles, and since then I've received several request to put them all out there. So here they are along with a few new ones...

Chuck Norris Facts of Social Media

Chuck Norris doesn’t use WordPress; he uses BenchPress.

There are no brands or sponsors for bloggers to work with, only Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't click "LIKE" on your Facebook page. He stamps it in your face with his fist by punching the monitor.

God sent a friend request to Chuck Norris on Facebook and Chuck Norris blocked him as SPAM

Chuck Norris can impregnate a mommy blogger just by leaving a comment on her post.

Not even Chuck Norris is allowed to be a fan of Chuck Norris on Facebook.

Chuck Norris’s engagement score is actually zero because who would be crazy enough to engage Chuck Norris.

A troll once left a comment on Chuck Norris’s blog; Chuck Norris scowled at the monitor and the troll’s head exploded.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need to scan his computer for viruses; he just cracks his knuckles.

Chuck Norris uses pay-per-punch to monetize his blog. (Courtesy of Mr. PJ Mullen)

People use hash tags on Twitter. Chuck Norris uses slash tags.

Firewall protection is to not to protect Chuck Norris from spyware; it’s to protect spyware from Chuck Norris.

When Twitter is over-capacity it's because Chuck Norris has just sent a tweet.

Everyone on Twitter can Twit-Pic but only Chuck Norris can Twit-Kick.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read blogs; he stares them down until he gets what he wants.

The only giveaways Chuck Norris does on his blog are free gut punches.

When Chuck Norris un-friends someone on Facebook, they spontaneously combust into flames

Chuck Norris doesn’t do trackbacks; he tracks you down.

When Chuck Norris registered his blog url it erased Google’s algorithms.

Chuck Norris’s IP address is the same number sequence as the combination to his wall safe, where inside you will find Chuck Norris waiting to kill you.

When Chuck Norris writes a blog post, his unique visitor count is infinity.

Chuck Norris doesn't tweet; he just roundhouse kicks his followers 140 times.

Chuck Norris’s Avatar has killed more people than the Black Plague.

* * *

Goofy, I know, but feel free to add your own.

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Top 10 Mom and Dad Blogs I'd Like To Read

Counting down to #1...

The Top 10 Mom and Dad Blogs I'd Like to Read

10. "Brokeback Mommy: I wish I new how to quiet you" This mom blogger sparked a mountain of controversy after disclosing how she punishes her kids in. Read for yourself in her post, Out of the Closet. With her caustic wit and rural Wyoming homestead, she's often been referred to as the Rosanne Barr version of The Pioneer Woman.

9. "Big Mother" This mom of four writes her blog parodying the reality show Big Brother--the only difference is, three of her kids are older than 18 and she can't kick them out of the house.

8. "Cool Hand Puke: Musings on Failures in Communication" This daddy blog by a Father living in the deep south is a well-written account of moments with his 4 year-old son. Favorite post: The one where his boy chows down on two dozen hard boiled eggs. Hilarity ensues.

7. "Parent Normal Activity" A light-hearted blog about a mom's search to discover who is responsible for all the little messes, and disasters happening around the house. (Hint: she is highly suspicious of her twin boys.) In the "About" page she explains how she got the idea after coming home to find the Ouji Board in flames on the coffee table. Uh oh!

6. "Tuesdays With Mommy" This touching blog is filled with incredible photos and can be a real tear-jerker. Wordless Wednesdays will have you reaching for the Kleenex by the handful.

5. "Red Hot Poopie Diapers: What You Got I Gotta Take And Clean It Off You." Very cool blog by a former rocker turned stay-at-home dad is a real hit with both moms and dads. It's full of a number of insightful little numbers including his trial-by-fire education on breastfeeding under the category tag, "Mother's Milk."

4. "The DAD-churian Infuriate" After losing his seat in the California senate and unable to find work again, this dad blogger writes about his struggles with being forced into the role of a full-time parent (sound familiar?) before realizing how he'd been brainwashed by societies definition of what it means to be a man.

3. "JetBlue Momma: I'm not a stewardess; I'm your Mother!" This fiery mom of toddlers watched her site quickly vault into Babble's list of Top Mommy Blogs (she's ahead of dooce), after posting an account of her reaction to being hit in the head with an unapologetic women's diaper bag during a playgroup function. And what did she do? In a huff, she grabbed two boxes of Juicy Juice and exited the playroom via the kiddie slide.

2. "Hairy Father and the Prisoner of Diaper Rash" This absolutely hysterical blog by a nervous first-time daddy is collection of funny stories about muddling through the nuances of taking care of a new baby, along with his attempts at losing weight before the kid can walk. In a clever twist, he plans to rename the blog like volumes as his daughter gets older--"Hairy Father and The Order of The Fruit Snacks" (toddler) and "Hairy Father and The Ulcerous Stone" (teen years) are a few titles being kicked around.

And the number one title of a Mom or Dad blog I'd like to read...

1. "I Skull-BLEEPED Mary Poppins!" Don't let the hard-core name of this dad blog fool you. Surprisingly it's a tender collection of heart-felt poems and maxims dedicated to three little girls by their father who's a franchise owner of a Denver area Build-a-Bear.

NOTE: I searched all over and to my knowledge these blogs don't really exist. Some were close, but not close enough for me to drop them from my list. (If anyone proves me wrong, then I'll link to their site and totally give them all the credit in the world.)

And please, if you can come up with some of your own, put 'em in the comments. I'm sure there are better titles you can come up with.

By the way... Please take a moment to help in the fight against the painful and potentially deadly autoimmune disease Juvenile Myositis. Vote for the CureJM Foundation as they are in the running to receive a $250K grant from Pepsi to fund research in putting an end to JM. It's as simple as three clicks. And if you would, please share with your Facebook friends and Twitter followers too. Thanks!

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A Short List Of 2009's Favorites

Given that it's not just the end of the year, but the end of the decade too, I figured maybe I should put together a reflective post on what I've learned while sprinkling in a little commentary on the human condition ...nah! Booooring. Another day perhaps. Instead, I'm taking a page out of Suburban Scrawl, SurprisedMom and Weasel Momma's playbooks and run a short list of the best Lunchbox posts from 2009. Not as boring (maybe).

Looking over the year's worth of entries, I decided to make two lists: my top 5 favorites and those 5 that were the most popular with readers. There wasn't a whole lot of science behind this; picking my entries was easy--simple personal preference. For the reader's selections, however, I considered the amount of comments, the number of page loads, and the overall topic. Not a perfect method, but whatever, I'm rambling. (Dear Brain, shut it! ...speaking of which, I need to post a follow up on that topic.) Here they are, ranked top to bottom.

My 5 Favorite Posts of 2009

1) While You Were At BlogHer (July 27th): I probably watch this slide show of our summer vacation three or four times a week. It might be because of the Coldplay soundtrack, or it might be that it's a rare moment in the year when I can be with all five of my children at the same time.

2) 10 Reasons Why Being A SAHD Made My Wife A Man (June 24th): You she my wife's feet propped up at the end of the day while she smokes her pipe and reads the paper.

3) Celebrity Profile Status Updates On Twitter (March 1st): I'm cheating a bit since this one is a published entry on the webzine Sloth Jockey (which y'all need to read sometime), but eeh.

4) LOST, Stephen Hawking And Biblical Plagues: How Swine Flu Shut Down My Kids' School (May 1st): Swine Flu hysteria, the title says it all.

5) Things Past and Present (January 15th): A reflective essay on living in the moment.

Reader's 5 Most Popular Posts of 2009

1) Dear Soccer Mom (September 25th): Apparently thousands of you know someone like this stereotype (It also earned a double post at Confront Your Bully).

2) What's Not Fair (May 15th): This post about my role as a stepfather mad and impression on a lot of people to include, believe it or not, my ex-wife's attorney.

3) Superman Doesn't Like Cleaning Your Messes (September 11th): The Man of Steel is not keen on coming to this planet only to pick up after kids as this surveillance taken in my bathroom proves.

4) Why I "Hate" Danny Evans (August 17th): How could I hate a guy for writing a book about his battle with male depression? Easy.

5) Hope (August 4th): Being separated from your own children is miserable, but giving up the idea of being together again isn't an option.

If you've read all these, then thanks for taking the time. If you've already read them before throughout the year, then I also say thank you for coming back to my smatterings of drivel.

To close out the year, I want to express my gratitude to everyone for making Clark Kent's Lunchbox as successful as it has been in 2009. I don't normally talk stats, but it has astounded me that hundreds (and sometimes thousands) of people hit this sight daily. My life has become truly better for the connections and new friends I've made through the blogging community. I only feel bad that I cannot visit with everyone as much as I would like; I ask that you please forgive me on that point. And while I'm at it, thank you all too for your support on Sugar Milk. I just hope it lives up the hype when you read it in a few more months.

Finally, not that it carries much weight in this big 'ol world, but I offer you all my sincerest prayers that 2010 will bestow many blessings, good health and much prosperity upon you and your families. Here's to you. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

- Ron

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Put A Meme In Your DVD Player

My good blogging buddy Matt at DC Urban Dad (a great guy and dad so check him out) hit me up with a meme last week, and it was a good one: Top Ten Favorite Movie Characters. Being a big movie lover, I wanted to put some thought into it. After much deliberation this is what I came up with in ranked order.

10. Daniel Craig, Casino Royale: Best. Bond. Ever. Evvvvvver! Equal parts sophistication, and grit, along with some serious cajones 

9. Viggo Mortensen, A History of Violence: Humble family-man with a secret past... and one broheme not to mess with as William Hurt found out the hard way.

8. Hugh Jackman, X-men (1, 2 & 3): Who doesn't love a cigar-chompin' Canadian with crazy hair, a few rough edges and indestructible claws.

7. Michael Douglas, Wonder Boys: What can I say? I feel a connection to down-on-their luck writers from the Keystone State.

6. George Clooney, O Brother Where Art Thou: I could've gone with the Ocean's franchise or Syriana or a few others, but for such a class act to act like a buffoon trying to get back to his kids, well, there's something there I can relate to. Just not too sure what.

5. Harrison Ford, Star Wars' Han Solo: Who else can so nonchalantly blast a bounty hunter with an under-the-table shot? I wish I could.  Having a Wookie as a best friend ain't bad either. 

4. Tom Hanks, Saving Private Ryan: I only wish I could be that stoic under a hail of bullets - real or figuratively. And hey, the guy was a high school English teacher from the Keystone State (is there a pattern here?).

3. Russel Crowe, Gladiator: A leader that commanded respect not by virtue of his position, but by virtue itself. You don't screw with a guy like that.

2. Christopher Reeve, Superman: Come on. Did you really think I wouldn't make reference to the Man of Steel himself? The guy was a nobody before this role and he nailed two characters Clark and the Big Blue Boyscout. 

and the top spot...

1. Paul Newman, The Sting: The classiest of all class acts in the business. Honestly, I could list a top 10 with nobody but Newman, but confidence man Henry Gondoff tops them all. That part where he shows up "drunk" to the poker game and announces he just took a dump - do you know how many times I've thought of that scene showing up late to a meeting.

And as is traditional with memes, it's time to pass the torch. I don't like to force people to do these, so it's always their choice. I also use these to share a few blogs many readers may not be familiar with, but should. Here they are: Eric (Oh My God I'm A Daddy), Andrea (Blogging Mama), Hugh (Dude to Dad), Michel (Facts Are Strictly Optional), Todd (Steely Dad), and Chris (Maugeritaville). 

Like I said, it's their choice but at the very least go see their sites.

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Meme'd For Life

Last week turned out to be a complete bomb in terms of productivity. I did knock out some Christmas shopping, but due two strait days of providing testimony in a deposition pretty much wiped out all plans to sharpen the pencil on sample chapters for submission, as well as a getting a few blog posts written. At least the proceedings were both entertaining and educational. It was like Court TV combined with dinner theater. I even was threatened with perjury. Fun! The only thing missing was Sam Waterstone walking through the door.

But enough of my whining. This is supposed to be about... oh ya - me. While I was "missing," blogger Mom/Mum tagged me, and then my dear friend Tara from Sticky Fingers hit me up this past week as did Sal over at Everyday Thoughts Life, so it would seem I had better get my keyboard in gear (By the way, if you haven't already, go check these sites out - good writing & good people). Having already knocked out a few of these deals before, I really had to dig in order to come up with six or seven new items about myself, so I modified it a bit. Not only are these random things about me, but for the purposes of bolstering the entertainment value, they are seven of the most embarrassing facts about myself (those with a PG13 rating anyway). Tara and Sal, you both luck out by getting a bonus - that is if you consider an extra fact to be lucky.

1) Man Crushes: Yes, [sigh]I have man-crushes namely on George Clooney, Daniel Craig, Matt Damon, Hugh Laurie, Robert Sean Leonard, Tom Welling, Scott Foley, Tom Everett Scott and - why am I doing this to myself - Justin Timberlake. I have no idea where this man-crush thing started for me, but I'm going to blame it on a book I purchased in the attempt to enhance my male image during my swinging bachelor days. The book? [double sigh] Queer Eye for the Straight Guy : The Fab 5's Guide to Looking Better, Cooking Better, Dressing Better, Behaving Better, and Living Better

2) Piercings: Actually there were piercings and tattoos. Many asked me when and where I got these, thinking it was during my time in the Army. It fact, it wasn't the Army at all. Instead it was when I was a business executive. I really hated having to play the part and be someone I was not because of the politics involved and I went out of my way to resist giving into that image. Every time I would get ticked about something at work another tattoo would be inked (usually, where no one could see it unless I was shirtless). Soon tat's weren't enough and piercing were added to the mix. Was this a tad immature on my part? Probably. And just where were these piercings? Weeeeell, both nipples to start with... (I took them out a year ago).

3) Decorating: No this didn't come from the book mentioned in embarrassing fact #1. This is something I've always liked to do. Don't ask why. I just do is all. Here are a few examples of my lofts in Houston and flat in Chicago.

4) The Farm Fresh Prince: During the 1980's when rapping was all the rage a friend and I tried to start up our own rap group. In my attempts to project the rapper image, I did my best to play the part by dressing in baggy pants covered with pockets, un-tucked shirts, suspenders, round sunglasses and this stupid purple hat. It was one of those baseball caps with the large fronts used by companies to advertise their logo - in this case it was a chemical company specializing in bug repellents for crops. To give it a more "fly" appearance I tied a blue bandanna around it and wore the damn thing with the visor towards the side of my head. I looked like the farm-version of The Fresh Prince himself - minus the talent, the fashion sense, the...well actually, minus everything. It was bad and so were the rhymes performed by my friend DJ Corn-Crop Jed. I have pictures somewhere but couldn't find them. It's probably a good thing. Thankfully by the 90's I came to my senses, switching to the more believable fashion trends set by New Kids On The Block.

5) A Walk to Forget: For a time, I was really into Nicolas Sparks books and movies. Not that I read everyone of his titles, but it was still enough to be cringe in admitting it. But it wasn't just the books, my lapse in manliness included the movies too. I watched The Notebook and balled my eyes out vowing to never watch it again. Oh come on people, stop your snickering! That Twilight crap that everyone is so ga-ga over is pure crap! It doesn't hold a candle to A Walk To Remember!

6) You Did WHAT?!: Okay, I debated about including this item, but decided to go forward and be a little edgy. So should I offend anyone please forgive my impertinence. I lost my virginity in my twenties, and it was to the South Korean film industry's equivalent to Winona Ryder. Or so I was told after the fact. After the Army transferred me back to the States, a Korean friend explained who she was, and then we watched a bunch of her movies. It always did strike me as odd that she picked me up in a limo for our dates. I just figured she was a little dramatic. Turns out she was, just not in the way I was thinking.

7) That's Fierce: I blame this on good ol' Lois, but I like watching America's Next Top Model. Having watched three current seasons plus the reruns on VH1, I've developed an eye for runway walks and photo poses. It's sad really.

Now that I can never show my face in the blog world again, I'm going to post the rules:
- Post 7 Interesting (or if you're brave you can go my route) facts about yourself.
- Include a link back to the person who tagged you.
- Leave comment on the post where you tagged.
- Designate 7 others to write 7 similar items about themselves.

Tell me I'm copping out here, but the last time I tagged 7 people made me feel really bad for some reason so I'm not going to name anyone specifically, but if anyone has the guts to take up the banner, I'll make a big deal about you!

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Where In The World Is Clark Kent: Review The Clues

It's been over a week since the disappearance of Clark Kent and all we have are these clues as to his whereabouts. 

Remember, A reward has been posted for any reader or guest author who can put the clues together and be the first one to figure out Where In The World Is Clark Kent concluding the beginning of December. The winner will have their choice of either "Superman: Living The Super Hero Lifestyle," or "Lois Lane: The Modern Woman's Guide To Life With A Man Of Steel."

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The Bad Boy Of Daycare

Let me say right from the start, there is absolutely no redeeming value in this post whatsoever. I was writing a piece on my two best friends (other than Lois), a couple who have helped me through some of the roughest times in my life. I started retelling a conversation I was having with the wife about kids. They are in their mid-thirties and have none of their own. She's back and forth, but her husband is against it. Understand, he's something of a hellion, which got his wife and I laughing as we imagined a 4 year-old duplicate of her wild child husband. One of the things he's known for is wearing those T-shirts with the suggestive phrases on them. This led to the speculation of a toddler version of those same shirts that their imaginary bad boy would wear to daycare. You might not care about all this, but I thought some back story would take the edge off in case I offend anyone. (Oh, feel free to add your own idea).

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Lessons From A Blogging Blockhead

There have been more than a few posts I've read on different blogs asking about increasing readership, improving blog quality, blog content, etc. Not sure if this has something to do with the lunar phases and the rising tides, but it seems like the same discussions have been going on all over. I've even received a few emails asking advice. Flattering as this is, I'm quick to point out what an utter block-head I am at times. I'm just living out the curse my mother placed on me when I was young. "You're always going to learn by doing everything the hard way," she repeated through my time at home.

The curse, like in many areas of my life, has held true for my blogging. The good thing at least is that I've learned a few things from my block-headed ways, and I thought I'd share them here in a post. Let me preface this by saying I'm always cautious in dolling out advice, basically because I don't want to sound like some sort of know it all. On the blog posts I mentioned above, I shied away from leaving lengthy comments containing these basic lessons for the same reason, and (in my humble opinion) comments shouldn't overshadow the actual post itself by stealing the writer's thunder. I'm not going to show up at someone's birthday party and draw attention to me. 

That said, the intent is to share five things I learned the hard way that dramatically increased my blog traffic, and to spur on some discussion or posts from readers on what they've done with their sites. What others have to share can be of great help to the rest of us, this block-head included.

1. Getting Social: When I started out, I had no clue what social media. It seemed as confusing as technical manual on farm machinery, and I had the perception only young whipper snappers used it to coordinate their next beer-drenched outing or to gossip and complain about work. Educating myself, I realized its potential, and then went nuts registering for every social network/bookmarking site possible so I could promote every post I ever wrote. Bad move. What I figured out is how social media works best depends on what type of blog you write, and like most things in life, requires balance. Facebook, Twitter, and Stumble Upon were all I really needed (MySpace is optional). Facebook allowed me to reach a vast network of people I knew from various periods in my life. For Stumble, I figured out to live by the proverb, let another person praise you and not your own lips and had a few big campaigns initiated by readers (see what it did for Dave Fowler). Twitter turned out to be the biggest boost when I started to use it to promote my blogs "branding" so to speak. I'm known for my humor, so rather than announce to the world I was lancing a boil, or rolling a fattie, I just posted parodies & dumb sayings that people, for some reason thought were enough to check out my blog. I'll push a post here and there, but mainly I stick to what worked. There are nuances to each of these social media sites, but I've already gotten too wordy on this point.

2. It Takes A Village: There's another proverb out there that if you want friends, you have to be friendly yourself. Sure you can be friendly to the casual readers stopping by, but another one of those light bulb moments was that there are all manner of blog communities out there with bloggers interests similar to my own. In finding these "villages" I found people like Life 2.0 who I may never have otherwise been involved with or enjoyed. Joining communities also gave my site new exposure as well without having overtly promote myself. I know convention says you must promote, promote, promote yourself to gain serious readership. Frankly I just can't force myself to do this, so being in communities turned out to be an indirect way to put my blog out there without going, "Hey, Look at me! Over here! Click on my site!" Most of the communities that have worked out well have been the ones listed in the sidebar. One notable one, that could has the potential for the greatest reach is Facebook community (at the bottom) because it has a greater universal popularity than the others listed.

3. What Did You Say? Commenting on other blogs yielded a big traffic spike too. I knew this from the get go, but went about it all wrong trying to do it only on the A list Blogs. "Hey Dooce, you are...uh, really neat...and stuff," or "Dad Gone Mad, wow! we have so much in common like you're a dad and so am I. You get mad, and Holy Crap! so do I!" What was going through my head was the same thing going through most new bloggers. "They'll read my site and I'll get discovered, I'll be famous and then [sigh] movie rights!" I was like a 13 year old trying to buy beer with a poorly made fake ID, and if they even read my comment they saw right through it like the 275 others that day. The only exception to these PTP'ers (prime time players) being Rude Cactus, because he's actually me written back a few times. When I joined blog communities, I held back on comments because I was self conscious (go figure). Finally, it dawned on me to just be myself and post comments as if I were having dinner with friends - upbeat, but sincere. Bloggers can smell fakeness (reference above). I also figured out it's just good manners in responding to comments other readers make on my post either in comments or by email. Most already do this like Tara and Blogger Dad.

4. First Impressions: I've changed the layout on the Lunchbox more times than I did majors in college. My wife would tease me about it, "You mess with the page more than writing." I just couldn't come up with anything I like and I was too cheap to have it done professionally. Eventually, I figured out you only get one chance to make a lasting impression, and when readers find your site for the time it had better look snappy without making them scroll around. The essential elements for a first look other than the blog title were, a link to an about page, RSS/Subscription widgets, social media widgets for readers to promote for me, a head shot so people could see I was a real person, a list of current comments to show new comers people actually read my drivel, and something that showed this site has some street cred. by being featured elsewhere. Another element, was trying to have a picture in the header of posts to visually draw people into the whatever was written for the day. Along with that was showing only an excerpt from that post so the previous day's post could be seen in the screen shot to peak curiosity a little more. You may feel that other elements are more important than others, there's no real wrong answer here. A layout I really like is Writer Dad's with it's vibrant photos and big social media promo buttons.

5. Just The Stats Ma'am: I both love and hate having a stat counter. I loath it because it's a big distraction for me as I look at the damn thing about every 20 minutes. "5, 17, 23. Oooo, 51!" I need the fix for my ego or something. It's pitiful. But the stat counter I have allows me to see specifically which sources of the above items are drawing in traffic, Social media sources? My comments on other blogs? RSS Readers? Search function? Links from other blog rolls? This is what I based some of the stuff mention in #4 on. This is how I found Heinous which lead to the discovery of a bunch of new blogs out there. The stat counter also tells me which posts are the most popular and what days have higher traffic than others which has aided in shaping my content and general appeal.

Okay, I've droned on enough. This is what's worked, feel free to use or refute whatever you like. As mentioned somewhere in this post, I'm a block-head, making no claims to any form of genius. Feel free to add to the discussion or share a post of your own. Need to check the stat counter now.

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I'm Turning Into My Mother

It's funny the quirky little phrases parents use. Growing up at home you vow never to use them on your own children, but yet inevitably you find yourself doing it anyway. Catching yourself, you chuckle over the realization these sayings have crept into your parental vocabulary. Somewhere deep down you always knew it would happen despite your insistence to the contrary, and now it has. 

As a father, I just assumed it would be the phrases my dad commonly used, things like, "What do you think I am, made of money?" and, "Shut that door, we're not heating the outside!" Allot of dads use these, so why think I would be any different? 

What I didn't see in my future was becoming a stay at home dad. Basically my daily routine is something to the effect of, wake up, pack lunches, shower, get girls up, make them breakfast, supervise them getting ready, herd them onto the bus, eat bon-bons and watch my stories (ya, right. More like, apply for jobs and write), get kids off the bus, give them snack, check homework, make dinner, assist getting them ready for bed if Lois Lane is working late. You get the picture (It's a little different from this previous routine from last school year). 

Given these circumstances, I've noticed that I'm using all the phrases my mother used on me and my sisters, and I thought I'd list them out here for whatever reason.

1. Would it kill anyone to change the toilet paper roll once in a while? (this is very versatile in that you can insert any simple task chimpanzees could accomplish, but seem to baffle kids who are whizzes at Transformers and dressing Barbie Dolls)

2. I swear, if I had a dollar for every time I've told you put your dirty clothes in the laundry hamper I'd be rich. (It's a better pension plan than social security)

3. It's a perfectly good day outside, so get your butts out from in front of the TV.

4. I cook and clean and bloody my knuckle scrubbing the skid marks from you underwear and this is the thanks I get? (This is one I practice allot under my breath while scrubbing)

5. I told you, we're having eggs for breakfast, which means no, I'm not making you waffles just for you. What do you think this is? A restaurant? (I also use a variation of this upon requests to cut off the crusts on bread)

6. What? Are your arms broken? Get it yourself.

7. Just wait till your mother gets home (had to change the gender there so as to not totally emasculate myself)

8. Hey Ms. Smarty-pants. Do I look like I'm laughing? (I might be, but it's on the inside)

9. When's the last time you changed your underwear? (I can't bring myself to say panties and this is why)

10. Spare me the drama. You don't need to go to the hospital unless you've got blood coming out of your neck. (the girls haven't figure this out yet as you can see here)

11. So tell me, if your friends jumped off a cliff and you going to jump off too?

12. Is that all you see me for? Well it doesn't matter 'cause I got a headache. (this was directed towards dad, but as a kid I kept trying to figure out what dad was looking at and why it gave mom a headache)

13. Oh, don't get pregnant. (another response to children's propensity towards drama)

14. I said supper's ready! What? Are you waiting for a written invitation?

15. No I'm not getting you sugar cereal. If you want it so damn bad, get a job and buy it with your own money. (it works for anything a kid wants, but for me and my sisters it always seemed like sugary cereals)

16. Contrary to popular belief I wasn't put on this planet to cater to your every whim.

17. This room is a complete pig sty! (it took me forever to figure out what a sty was and why it was exclusive to only pigs)

18. Do you think I could get a minute of peace and quiet for a change. (Peace and quiet are like non-identical twins just as are "sick and tired")

19. Where'd you look for it? Usually followed by, I swear, if I come up there and find it, you are going to get it. (I never was sure what "it" was. Now I realize it's a vague threat that backfires when you do come up there and find said lost item forcing you to define "it." "It" almost always boiled down to a piercing stair and totally worth it to find whatever was being looked for)

20. You kids could fight over a turd in the road! (This phrase actually stuns kids long enough to entertain the possibilities as well as the likelihood of both being allowed to play in the middle of the road and discovering fecal matter important enough to engage in sibling conflict)

and one more as a bonus.

21. I love you. (said many times over and outdistancing all the others combined)

Okay, I know there are more out there that your parents used.  What are they? Share with the group. 

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Tagged Doggonit!

A while back I was tagged with a meme, and, of course, if you do this long enough it's bound to happen more than a few times in your "career." Courtesy of iVegasFamily, it's happened again. So here's the deal.

Link to the person who tagged you
Post the rules on your blog
Write six random things about yourself
Tag six-ish people at the end of your post
Let each person know he/she has been tagged
Let the tagger know when your entry is up

Now that the rules and regs are clear, get ready to yawn....

1. When I was a kid, my cat, Scooter Kitty attacked me to such an extent I had to go to the hospital.

2. I was supposed to go college at Bob Jones University, but temporarily attended Liberty University (remember this guy), and eventually graduated from a Catholic college, St Edwards University (that bit of information may have more meaning for current fundamentalists, former fundamentalists, or those opposed to fundamentalists - finishing at a Catholic school was just ironic).

3. I once repelled over the side of Royal Memorial Stadium at the University of Texas (that sucker is higher than it looks).

4. I've proposed marriage 4 times. 3 of them said "yes." Married twice, and remarried once (and definitely saved the best for last. I'm a slow learner).

5. I was involved in an all-out fist fight in front of George W. Bush (yes, thee George Bush, and no, I'm not BS'ing you. He was rather amused, by the whole thing).

6. I eat only one item on my plate at a time and in a specific order (veggie, starch, meat) & have a phobia about them coming into contact with one another.

So who are the lucky six? Hmmmmm, okay.

Heinous at Irregularly Periodic Ruminations

Stiletto Mom

Steenky Bee

Tara at From Dawn Till Rusk

Fast Lane at Life 2.0 and...

Vodka Mom



Can't wait to read them!

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Daddy Blog Reality Clip Review

By the time this post goes live I will have already been with my boys for a week, and I'm sure we're having a good time. If not pray for us (watch updates on Facebook and Twitter for current details - love that social networking). The plan was to camp out and go swimming, but parents said they spotted a bear just down the road and the weather has been near freezing so we'll see.

In the meantime I thought I'd post several of the more amusing tales of domestic bliss in Houston. Think of it as a reality clip show.

Five Moments of Domenstic Bliss

1. Sugar Milk

2. CK Mommy Chronicles Part 2

3. Band-aids For Gangsters

4. Make Me Some Pancakes Funnyman

5. Hitting Below The Belch

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Five Great Education Resources For ADD

Last week I ended up having several discussions on the phone and through email about the the post on the source of my creativity (Kryptonian Kreativity). A couple even mentioned they thought maybe they had ADD based on the test I had included. During those exchanges I suggested a few resources they cold tap into for more information, and I'd like to include them here for anyone interested.

Personally speaking, education is the best way to live effectively with ADD in a non-ADD structured world. I constantly felt defeated and frustrated in my ability to get things done and in my relationships, but once I started to read up on the typical behaviour patterns and thought processes for an ADD-wired brain, I realized I wasn't a nut-job either.

Educating yourself isn't just good for you, it's good for those around you like your spouse, family, and friends as well as your kids, who may be ADD themselves since it's a hereditary thing. My oldest son is, and as I've educated myself, I've learned to recognize behaviour patterns in him which have opened doors of dialogue between us that may not be open to non-ADD family members.

Before I list these resources, let me preface it by saying don't be like me. When I first was diagnosed I ran out to the bookstore and bought every book I could on the matter and brought them all home with the idea of reading them all. Guess what? I read maybe one out of the fifteen I purchased (and I didn't even finish the one). One classic ADD trait is to get all excited about something new and shiny, commit to immersing yourself in it and then forgetting about it the minute something shinier comes along. I exemplify this remark to the point of ridiculousness which I am aware of, and so I warn you now not to clear out your local bookstore or library as you are overcome with dizzying hysteria.

That said, I will also mention I had planned on offering 10 resources, but 10 is a tsunami of information, whereas 5 is more reasonable (but it still can be a shotgun blast to the face).

5 ADD Educational Resources

1. The books Driven to Distraction and Delivered from Distraction by Dr. Edward M. Hallowell. Both are landmark books written by a doctor with ADD on understanding and dealing with ADD on all levels from childhood to adulthood. The first book (Driven) was the only one of the 15 I bought that I read (mostly), and the second (Delivered) was so good, I've purchased several copies and handed them out like gifts to people struggling with the issue. Dr. Hallowell also has a blog and website for ongoing updates and information.

2. Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide To Adult ADD by Jennifer Kortesky. Jennifer's book is extremely motivating, easy to read and filled with quick tips and helpful stories. Given the fact she's an ADD management coach with ADD herself, the content is practical and easy to relate with. She also has a regular blog/website where I get weekly motivational emails (but she's also selling her services too which can be a turn-off to some people).

3. ADD & Creativity: Tapping Your Inner Muse written by Dr. Lynn Weiss. I recently went back to this book to re-read several chapters as a reminder of how ADD affects my productivity, and now I plan on re-reading the whole thing because I forgot how empowering it was. Dr. Weiss is a writer and painter in addition to pioneering much of the original research into the ADD. She also has ADD herself (starting to see a pattern here?).

4. ADDitute Magazine. There's a couple ways you tap into this resource: by mail or by web. I've done both and I like the web version best since they send a notification by email with highlights of the key material. That way if none of the articles sound like they apply then I can just delete it, whereas with the actual magazine I end up with an additional element of clutter to use as a coaster. The information is mainly geared to parenting ADD children, but they still cover adult issues that are relevant. Oh ya, it was started by a mom who's son was diagnosed with ADD so started the magazine as way to bring other together while presenting solid information in an ADD friendly format. Another bonus is a readers forum you can register for in order to find out first-hand insights on all kinds of subjects from meds to ADD Diets.

5. The Shire: Life Management Center. This is a new resource for me, but thus far I like it - especially with the free on-line classes on topics such as how to organize your life and tools on becoming more productive. The site offers quite a lot of info on ADD medication (many of whom I think are major sponsors), but I'm not going to complain since I qualified for an offer through this site for free samples of my meds.
If you noticed, that's actually more than five resources (ADD is incorrigible sometimes) given there are multiple books and websites within what I listed. You'll have to pare down what works for you, but let me add a few notes of consideration to these resources.

- Only get information from those with ADD themselves. No offense to the non-ADD'ers but I have a hard time taking advice from anyone who doesn't understand this going on in my head.

- Don't overwhelm yourself. Take one at a time. I recommend the books first since you can get lost on the Internet.

- Speaking of which, stick to only one or two web sites. If you do use resources from the web limit them to a couple sources and take advantage of RSS feeds and email subscriptions. Also, avoid the glitzy ones started by amateurs looking to make a buck... these sites are shiny objects on purpose and that's to take advantage of the main weakness of ADD to make a buck off it.

- One last note, once you get educated, don't expect everyone to know what you're talking about. I made this mistake (I made many), and people just looked at me like I was preaching about the Apocalypse, which became frustrating. Educating yourself can be a freeing experience, but it's a personal one that only you can enjoy so don't get discouraged if others don't start speaking in tongues and rolling on the floor with you.

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