I'm Turning Into My Mother

It's funny the quirky little phrases parents use. Growing up at home you vow never to use them on your own children, but yet inevitably you find yourself doing it anyway. Catching yourself, you chuckle over the realization these sayings have crept into your parental vocabulary. Somewhere deep down you always knew it would happen despite your insistence to the contrary, and now it has. 

As a father, I just assumed it would be the phrases my dad commonly used, things like, "What do you think I am, made of money?" and, "Shut that door, we're not heating the outside!" Allot of dads use these, so why think I would be any different? 

What I didn't see in my future was becoming a stay at home dad. Basically my daily routine is something to the effect of, wake up, pack lunches, shower, get girls up, make them breakfast, supervise them getting ready, herd them onto the bus, eat bon-bons and watch my stories (ya, right. More like, apply for jobs and write), get kids off the bus, give them snack, check homework, make dinner, assist getting them ready for bed if Lois Lane is working late. You get the picture (It's a little different from this previous routine from last school year). 

Given these circumstances, I've noticed that I'm using all the phrases my mother used on me and my sisters, and I thought I'd list them out here for whatever reason.

1. Would it kill anyone to change the toilet paper roll once in a while? (this is very versatile in that you can insert any simple task chimpanzees could accomplish, but seem to baffle kids who are whizzes at Transformers and dressing Barbie Dolls)

2. I swear, if I had a dollar for every time I've told you put your dirty clothes in the laundry hamper I'd be rich. (It's a better pension plan than social security)

3. It's a perfectly good day outside, so get your butts out from in front of the TV.

4. I cook and clean and bloody my knuckle scrubbing the skid marks from you underwear and this is the thanks I get? (This is one I practice allot under my breath while scrubbing)

5. I told you, we're having eggs for breakfast, which means no, I'm not making you waffles just for you. What do you think this is? A restaurant? (I also use a variation of this upon requests to cut off the crusts on bread)

6. What? Are your arms broken? Get it yourself.

7. Just wait till your mother gets home (had to change the gender there so as to not totally emasculate myself)

8. Hey Ms. Smarty-pants. Do I look like I'm laughing? (I might be, but it's on the inside)

9. When's the last time you changed your underwear? (I can't bring myself to say panties and this is why)

10. Spare me the drama. You don't need to go to the hospital unless you've got blood coming out of your neck. (the girls haven't figure this out yet as you can see here)

11. So tell me, if your friends jumped off a cliff and you going to jump off too?

12. Is that all you see me for? Well it doesn't matter 'cause I got a headache. (this was directed towards dad, but as a kid I kept trying to figure out what dad was looking at and why it gave mom a headache)

13. Oh, don't get pregnant. (another response to children's propensity towards drama)

14. I said supper's ready! What? Are you waiting for a written invitation?

15. No I'm not getting you sugar cereal. If you want it so damn bad, get a job and buy it with your own money. (it works for anything a kid wants, but for me and my sisters it always seemed like sugary cereals)

16. Contrary to popular belief I wasn't put on this planet to cater to your every whim.

17. This room is a complete pig sty! (it took me forever to figure out what a sty was and why it was exclusive to only pigs)

18. Do you think I could get a minute of peace and quiet for a change. (Peace and quiet are like non-identical twins just as are "sick and tired")

19. Where'd you look for it? Usually followed by, I swear, if I come up there and find it, you are going to get it. (I never was sure what "it" was. Now I realize it's a vague threat that backfires when you do come up there and find said lost item forcing you to define "it." "It" almost always boiled down to a piercing stair and totally worth it to find whatever was being looked for)

20. You kids could fight over a turd in the road! (This phrase actually stuns kids long enough to entertain the possibilities as well as the likelihood of both being allowed to play in the middle of the road and discovering fecal matter important enough to engage in sibling conflict)

and one more as a bonus.

21. I love you. (said many times over and outdistancing all the others combined)

Okay, I know there are more out there that your parents used.  What are they? Share with the group. 

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