Pearls Before Swine

I love this strip... Thank you Court!
(sorry, you may have to click on it to enlarge it on your computer)


Movie Recomendation: Stardust

If you get the chance go see the movie Stardust with Claire Danes, Michelle Pfeiffer and Robert DeNero along with a brief appearance by Peter O'Toole (ya, who woulda thunk that?). It's fun, charming and romantic - I mean, if you're into that crap then you're going to love it. The movie is an adaptation of Neil Gaiman's novella of the same name in which a star (played by the ever charming Danes) falls to earth and is found by Danes' real life boyfriend Charlie Cox who plays the part of Tristan in the movie. However, there are others looking for the star as well to include a sisterhood of witches lead by Pfeiffer as well as a comical band of princes vying for the throne of their dead father. There are a number of other characters that keep the story moving. one of which is DeNero's hilarious portrayal of a gay pirate captain that hasn't quite come out of the closet yet. The movie is not perfect of course with a predictable ending, but all "happily-ever-after-fantasy-fair tales" are supposed to have an ending that everyone can guess. It's the ride to the ending that either makes it fun or a flop and this one is fun. My date (yes, I had a date. Stop with the kissy face noises) aptly compared it to The Prince's Bride in which case I can only say to my sisters - Ness, Cout, Ash - go see this movie and then buy the extended DVD version when it goes on sale. If I have to hear one more quote outta you from that silly Prince's Bride Movie I think I may jump from the Cliffs of Insanity. You guys need some new material, and I mean it... anybody got a peanut?

PS - Ness, take mom... dad will probably even like gay-DeNiro "Were you hittin on me?"


Things to do today

1. Laundry - I'm wearing my underwear inside out to get double the usage.

2. Empty Dishwasher - wait are those clean or dirty? Uh...

3. Turn Dishwasher on - not sure if current load was dirty or not so just to be safe

4. Take Job Tests - One of my job prospects which I am extremely well-qualified for requires preliminary testing of candidates. I didn't do so hot because I misread directions. I'm sure they think I'm a uni-brow'd knuckle-dragger and will pass me up for GIECO Caveman instead.

5. Get Prescriptions Filled - I've just been informed that I am certifiably insane. Oh, that's nice.

6. File Taxes - I got a notice that the IRS lost my 2005 tax filings. Thankfully they got the money and claimed I had a credit. I used Turbo Tax, but couldn't find the saved file so I had to redo my taxes all over again. On the bright side I did them wrong the first time and overpaid so I will get enough money back to take a date to McDonalds and share and ice cream cone.

7. File Claim with Insurance Company - Some drunk chick backed into my car last night. Drunk friends holler obnoxiously that I should get her number because she is hot - that may be but she is dumber than a bag-o-door knobs. When I get back, drunk friends want to know if I got her number. Duh! I kind of have to. Drunk friends are now honorary members of the "Bag-O-Door Knobs Club." Interestingly enough the several dents I have in my car have all occurred while at this bar and on one occasion after valet parking I got towed... Note to self - Stop going to this bar unless you are driving the Pinto. I am President of the "Bag-O-Door Knobs Club."

8. Update Addresses - needed to get new addresses out to all financial institutions and government agencies. The Department of Homeland Security is all over my case... jeez! one little bomb threat and they put you on a watch list... I was off my medication - how can you blame me.

9. Get New Drivers License and Car Registration - I just did this 5 months ago... oh, wait! That's right, I was in Arkansas... well, I got 90 days before I need to change to Texas so let's wait till the last minute.... 27 November 2007 - Perfect!

10. Job Search - Boooooooooring. I'd rather start a Chia Pet or something. Oooo! Shopping Spree at the Dollar Store!

Today is going to be productive. I can feel it!


The ADD Brain

I swear I'm probably the most selfish human being I know. Just about everyone I know has problems waaaaaay worse than what I have yet all I can do is sit around and feel sorry for myself. I've gotten to the place where I have stopped listening to myself because I am boring. There's a problem though - there's not just one voice that comes from my brain that I am ignoring. I'll put it this way. Get a bowl. Dump in some Rice Crispies and add milk, then stick your ear down close. Hear that? All the snapping, crackling and popping? That's about right.

No? Doesn't make sense? Not surprised. ADD'ers tend to make such far out associations that no one gets them. Let's try a different visual then. If you have cable go to the Bloomberg Channel. It's the one with two tickers running at different speeds with stock quotes at the bottom of the screen. In the top left side it usually has a box with headlines while in the right side there is some talking head expounding on the quotes or the headlines or both. Add a larger headline to the top of the entire screen and that should do it - no, wait. Take your remote and do a picture-in-screen of another channel that's showing Spongebob. Turn the volume to max. That's ADD. Scary part is even with all that going on at one time - as I sit with my Rice Crsipies and Bloomberg TV - on a good day it can all make sense. However, on a bad one you can't even finish snap, crackle... ooooooh, who lives in a pineapple under the sea.... and in other news! It's likly that you can never complete a freakin thought to save your life.

Not only that, you can never finish a project. Paintings and writing projects that captivated me days before sit incomplete for weeks, months and years. I have so many incomplete paintings I now make sure I do the "eyes" last so they literally don't sit there looking back at me wondering when I will give them life. I would have made one really poor mad scientist. I'd have a basement of half finished Frankensteins laying around on tables, beds, draped with sheets, shoved under beds in the guest rooms, deep freezer, tool shed, dog house, disguised as lawn ornaments.... see, it's more fun to come up with places to stash the "bodies" then it is to get that goofball Igor to get one fresh brain to bring si I could at least bring one of them to life in order to train to clean my toilets.

Understand that there are basically three types of ADD. One, of course is the hyper version. My best friend Mark has this and for as hyper as he is he self-medicates himself with - you will never guess this - with caffeine! He lives on Starbucks to the point they have named a drink after him call the "Black Mark" (get it), which essentially is a Venti Espresso with a shot of coffee. Then there is the second type which oddly is an over-focus caused when the chemicals that should flow between the connections in the brain (I know the technical jargon, I just can't spell it) move too slowly. When you have this version you literally can count the movement of mosquito wings and then ponder its impact on the air quality index in China. In other words you are so keyed into the fine minutia of a subject that the subject itself become irrelevant. And finally, there is the third version which is a combination of the first two. Experts consider this version to be the worst, because it's hard to treat given that one minute you can be in hyper mode which warrants a treatment that includes drugs to slow your brain down and then in an instant you are boring holes into concrete, in which case you would be given an amphetamine to stimulate those chemicals. Guess which one I have? Bingo! Ya, it can really suck.

Supposedly ADDers are supposed to be brilliant. It's true they are provided they can get what's in their head out there to do something with it. I've tried screwdrivers, oil filter wrenches and that nifty can opener that opens cans without the jagged edges. Other than pulling out chunks of hair I haven't been too successful. Without the ability to extract them they just sit there - well, not so much sit there as they do swim around rapidly while giving you the middle finger on every lap. Eventually you'd think they'd quiet down, but no it can go on for hours. Add stress, emotional duress, loneliness, depression, or fill in the blank with any other negative emotion and you just have created the incredible hulk. "MMMM, Hulk Mad!" End result - insomnia. You try to start counting sheep, but then the Hulk gets bored and starts punching sheep, then he's knitting wool sweaters, and finally he's wearing a sheep's head as a hat while driving a rented convertible Ford Mustang (with a black stripe) through 7 states... but still no sleep. That is where I am. It's been over 4 weeks and I'm averaging roughly 2 and a half to 3 hours of sleep a night and I think I am about at the end of my rope. I've tried over the counter sleep aids and after exceeding the recommending daily dosage I only get a headache. I actually don't want to go to the drug option - I have enough already (three is enough thank you) and I don't like turning to pills as an option.

You'd think with all this extra time not sleeping I would get more done right? Nope - I now have an average of 6 more hours a day to procrastinate. If I could get rich by procrastinating then I would be able to pay Bill Gates to clean my toilets on a regular basis. So there. I'm a whiny little "brat" (brat is my new term that someone called me recently). I have friends with major issues going on in their life like marriage problems, one was in a wreck while almost having their other car repossessed, one's dad is dying, and another thought her mom was having a mini-stroke, and yet another friend is in Iraq dodging bullets... and here I sit unable to sleep. I don't like me very much right now, but I do have the time to say a prayer for all my friends and family. If you can, say a little prayer for them too. Meanwhile I'm going to go stab my brain with a Q-tip.


Some Interesting Notes on Moving

Some Interesting Notes on Moving

Well, I made it and all in one piece so to speak. (Yes, Ness, it went smooth - Oh ME of little faith). First off I have to say thanks to all of you that helped otherwise I would still be in bed in Arkansas curled in the fetal position and rocking back and forth in complete denial.

Ness, thank you for helping me pack - your grace in ignoring my passive aggressive plea for help did not go unnoticed; however I am sorry I turned you sweet little kiddos into crack-fiending video game junkies looking for a fix... had school not started and distracted them you would hate me by now and I would be off the Christmas Card list for all eternity. I love you.

Robb, that hour or so that you helped was invaluable to the rebel cause... seriously. You were like Han Solo coming out of no where to blast Darth Vader out of the way so I could blow the Death Star to bits... keep the t-shirt... I picked that one special since it's the same color as your most favorite team - didn't know I could fit this much allegory and symbolism into one thank you.

Jeremy and Lucy, had the two of you not shown up I'm pretty sure I would have just started taking horse tranquilizers. You guys are both reliable and generous - not to mention impervious to pain which is good when hanging around me because when I make a plan I ensure there is a high degree of pain involved along with a low amount of common sense. How Lucy ever put up with my nonsense as a boss I will never know, but the divine purpose behind it must have been preparation for being your girlfriend, Jeremy. You are very lucky to have her. I'm sure she finds this much easier than working for me anyway. Hope you enjoyed driving the car... did you get it up to 120? (I don't want to know).

Mike, I'm glad your last name isn't Blanks-n-sht or Jeremy would have killed me in noon heat of Houston as we unloaded. I'm glad you had the energy to keep things on track, thus getting the truck unloaded in record time. As a token of my appreciation I have bestowed upon you the "golden plunger" which of course is no where near being golden in color, but in any case good luck finding it...ya, it's in your possession. I just can't say where.

That out of the way here are a few things I have noted about moving (I used the term "interesting" in the title but really that was just for marketing purposes to dupe you into reading this and thus validating my blog existence).

1. It is interesting what one considers edible during those transition periods of packing, moving and unpacking... for instance on one occasion while packing I quieted my hunger by eating expired turkey hot dogs with a slice of cheese, extra portions of mustard and ketschup all snuggly put into wheat buns that I picked all the mold off of (it was a 'loose' interpretation of the famed 10-second rule). The results of my cuisine were predictable.

2. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you can time the amount of toilet paper on hand with your departure to your new location where, upon arrival, you intend to purchase more. When you have a 26ft moving truck at your disposal fitting an 8 roll pack of TP is not going to take up that much space. It retrospect this was simply one of the stupidest things I have done on a move (given item 1 or not). You have to understand that these are the little games I play in my life just to keep up the excitement for me... ya, I'm getting cable with DVR.

3. It's a scientific fact that when it's time to move all your friends will offer to help, but when it comes down to zero hour only an elite few will actually be there, a larger portion will apologize with the explanation that they wrote it down for the next weekend, while your very best friends will attempt to kill themselves while re-enacting a chase scene from Grand Theft Auto on I-10 in near hurricane conditions in order to have a good-enough excuse not to help. (It's ok, I forgive you... that's why we are friends, right?)

4. All those damn story problems that I used to get in math classes can come true although I still come up with the wrong answers... If one worn out skinny ass white boy leaves Fayetteville, Arkansas in a 26ft U Haul at 2pm while traveling 500 miles at an average speed of 43.5 mph, aaaaand his cousin leaves 3 hours latter from the same spot while driving a Dodge Charger at an average speed of 110 mph, aaaaaaaaand the cousin's girlfriend is frantically trying to keep up in her Toyota Camry at what point will the three vehicles intersect? Answer: The exit ramp at their destination 500 miles from the start point. (Ya, no joke - couldn't have even planned it that way.)

5. It was a blessing that God allowed me to be on top of my singing game as I drove - I was freakin Sinatra on this trip and was even nailing the high notes - YESSSSS!!!! Double blessing that he commanded all the radio stations along the route to play only songs I like and know... God's so cool! I sang so much I was dizzy and light-headed every time I got out of the truck - I looked like I was hopped up on something I'm sure but I sounded damn good... my vanity has no limits.

6. On the route from Dallas to Houston about 30 miles south of the Big D on I45 is a mile marker that indicates "Houston 170 Miles." No biggie, but 30 miles later there is another sign that says, "Houston 190 Miles!" ... TEXDOT, you lovable little scamps.... that's a good one, hahaha... I WILL KILL YOU A&%#HOLES!!!! DO YOU HEAR ME?!!! KIIIIIILLLLL YOU!!!! (PS - I have to drive to Dallas and back this week - can we say, "state-sponsored anger-management?")

7. Average truck speed first half of the trip - 53mphs. Average speed middle part of the trip 61 mphs. Average truck speed last hour of trip... let me put it this way. In the right weather conditions you can get a fully-loaded, 26ft long U Haul up to 85 mph (the speedometer only goes to 80 and then there are a few tick marks but you get the picture). By that point - in my 9th hour of driving with every one's high beams slapping me in the face from each mirror I realized that I am not as materialistic as I once believed. Renouncing all my worldly possessions I pushed the gas pedal to the floor and held the wheel steady as my cargo bounced around in the same fashion as those little ping-pong balls in a lottery machine. I actually caught air going over a few bridges alla Steve McQueen. The faster I went, the bigger the smile I got across my face thinking about the Texas Department of Safety Officer chasing me with the thought that this was the last vehicle he thought he'd be pulling over on a Friday night. If my singing voice would've held out a little longer, who knows? I might have just kept going... right on que George Strait starts up with "Amarillo by Morning."

8. "Packing Peanuts! Very Dangerous. You go first, Indy"

"Packing Peanuts. Why did it have to be packing peanuts..." Spill 'em on the floor and it's like trying to scoop up frantic field mice scattering in every direction... months later you'll find one or two still curled up under a chair or bookcase waiting to strick. I'll get you all if it's the last thing I do.

9. Three pounds of strawberry Twizzlers and 2 Cokes does not constitute a meal... at least this time I had a 8 roll pack (with aloe) handy. Of course I currently weigh 191 lbs so I highly recommend the Mover's Diet.

10. Going to the Galleria to buy watches is not a moving priority; however, changing your address for all your credit/bank cards is. Guess which one I did? Takes a lickin and keeps on tickin"

11. I've never moved back to somewhere that I previously lived - so my first Sunday Night in Houston and I had the urge to call in my Sales Numbers for the week to my old place of employment ... weird. Now, I'm wishing I would have just as a joke, but then again since I would have reported 0 Gross sales, 0 Cancellations for a Net of 0 Sales for the week they probably would've fired me for lack of performance.

12. A friend reminded me that I was moving in between a tropical storm and impending hurricane... I thought she was joking cause she's funny. Besides, I laugh at such dangers (provided there no packing peanuts involved). When my son asked if I was in Texas and I said yes he was very concerned, "You gotta get out of there dad, there's a hurricane coming!" Hmmm, guess she wasn't kidding - the fact that I don't have Internet or cable yet left me even further in the dark - luckily the hurricane is going to miss Houston, but you wouldn't have known it by the warning signs flashing along the major highways in the city... I stocked up on water, but it's too late to get renter's insurance as they write no new policies for renters or homeowners when a storm is in the gulf. Isn't the insurance racket swell? Oh, and my son's solution? Go stay with the X-in-laws that live north... He's so cute.... I'll take my chances with the hurricane.

I love my place - It is perfect for my narcissistic and artsy cliche lifestyle but the bedrooms are downstairs in a semi-basement set up which makes me feel like I'm living with my parents. "Hey, mom? What's for breakfast? Whaddya mean it's noon? No I didn't have any girls over last night? I don't need this crap right now mom! You know I'm a artist on the verge of being discovered; it's only a matter of time. Ok, ya, I'll get milk when I'm out today. ya..... I love you too."

I've included some pics of the living room area, kitchen and desk area... no bedroom shots though - it weirds me out to see pics of some one's bedroom on the Internet - it's even cheesier if it's a guy... and I have allot of pillows on the bed and I don't feel like explaining that to everyone, ok. Two words - Nate Burkus.

Thanks Again to everyone that helped out!


I Love It When A Plan Comes Together!

Ah, moving! Funny how things don't quite go the way that you had planned them to...

Plan A Checklist

1. Act pathetic and lonely in order to entice sister to help pack your crap up

Status: Check! Had it not been for my good ol sister I'd wouldn't have a thing packed and being completely overwhelmed at that thought of it would have stayed in bed for 6 days straight without acknowledging the fact that I am moving

2. Rent truck with moving dolly

Status: Incomplete.... I did reserve the truck and dolly and was told I would be notified about my reservation the day prior to my pickup. Nope! I had to call and get status update and number to local pickup site. When I called them they had no idea who I was. They did have a truck but the little dolly thingy is an issue and I cannot pick up either truck or dolly until after 10am when the only guy in the store can fill out the paperwork.

3. Ask friends to help load and drive the truck

Status: Incomplete... well I did ask 4 people who were committed up until several hours ago when my best friend Mark was in an accident and although he's ok he cannot drive 8 hours nor pick up anything heavier than a pencil. As such his wife is outta the picture too. That leaves the other two. One of which wants to leave tonight and the other cannot. The problem is that someone has to drive the truck so they would have to ride together. The one that wants to come up tonight doesn't want to ride 8 hours with the other guy who is quite talkative. Sooooo, my friend that is coming tonight is bringing his girlfriend so she can drive one vehicle back, he's driving the truck and I will drive the car. The other friend decided there is no reason for him to come so he's staying in Houston and wants me to give him a call if I need a hand....

Plan B

There was no plan B

I love it when a plan comes together.... but I am thankful for those that could help. Thank you! I'm never moving again!

There will be a lul in my blogs for a few days as I treck back to H-town and get set up.

Pray that our truck is not secretly rigged with explosives or anything

Friends to come up and help


Dumpster Diving for Boxes

Many of you know that I moving to Houston... of course I am procrastinating which is my "MO" - Yes, I'm supposed to be packing instead of blogging, but like, whatever - not like it's not gonna get packed in the end, right? Anyway, I need boxes so I headed over to one store where I was told I could get them from the manager... turns out they are a bit unreliable but nonetheless I managed to find a few boxes albeit stained with grease and food stuff but I can't afford to be picky. As I was loading them into the car, the garbage truck came along and the driver leaned out.
"Hey, Bud. You need still need boxes?"
"Ya, sure." I thought he was going to yell at me or something as some people can get a little weird over boxes, but instead he told me a few other places I could dumpster dive. I thanked him and set off. He was right as I managed to find several boxes in the sizes I needed but not the amount. His suggestion spurred me on to determine that I could cruise all the shopping center back alleys and cherry pick what I needed. Ironically, however my idea turned into a race against time as my helpful friend still had a job to do so I had to keep one step ahead of him. At times I would luck out, but since I didn't know his route more often than not I would be beat to the treasure. Then I figured I would just head to another area of town an resume the mission.
I headed south closer to where I lived and struck pay dirt. The only catch being that in many of the dumpsters I literally had to perform ninja-like acrobatics in order to fish out the good stuff. A small price - I can wear Armani and I can wallow in trash - whatever it takes to get the job done. Besides this was getting fun appealing to my hunter-gatherer instincts and the thrill of discovery combined with Venti Latte started getting my juices pumped. And with no competition now this shouldn't take much longer which was good given that the temperature was now climbing over 100 degrees.

However, my short-lived free-for-all was to be short lived as a mini-van pulled up next to me and a squad of healthily-proportioned Arkansas natives (chubby redneck yokels) popped out. Apparently they were also on a quest for the same prey and they descended on the dumpsters like buzzards. They looked as surprised as I did that fate had conspired to bring us together at exactly the same moment in time at exactly the same trash bin. I smiled with quiet glee in the fact that I had beat them to the bounty offered at this cornucopia of cardboard and quickly chucked my haul into the car and sped off leaving them to rummage amongst the dregs.

As I pulled out I noticed that they were following me. Quickly deducing that given the fact that they looked harmless (native weaponry excluded) they were looking to capitalize on my excellent tracking skills. My competitive nature took hold as I threw them off my scent and ditching them at traffic lights and darting down side-streets and alleys to dumpsters so secret they are thought to be only legend. Of course, to my delight these temples of trash yielded exactly what I had hoped. I am the Indiana Jones of dumpster diving able to dodge large rolling mass of garbage trucks as well as wild-eyed and blood thirsty natives seeking to thwart my quest for the treasure... Yes! Take that! In your face! (singing) We are the Champions! Weeee Arrrre the Champions! We Are The Champions - of the world!

... as I think about it I guess I need to interact more with people as I tend to fantasize waaaaay too much these days.


My First Grey Hair

Found my first grey hair the other day... it was in my nose - long sucker too. May they always only be found there as I mature - I mean get older - maturity is an issue for me.

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