Some Interesting Notes on Moving

Some Interesting Notes on Moving

Well, I made it and all in one piece so to speak. (Yes, Ness, it went smooth - Oh ME of little faith). First off I have to say thanks to all of you that helped otherwise I would still be in bed in Arkansas curled in the fetal position and rocking back and forth in complete denial.

Ness, thank you for helping me pack - your grace in ignoring my passive aggressive plea for help did not go unnoticed; however I am sorry I turned you sweet little kiddos into crack-fiending video game junkies looking for a fix... had school not started and distracted them you would hate me by now and I would be off the Christmas Card list for all eternity. I love you.

Robb, that hour or so that you helped was invaluable to the rebel cause... seriously. You were like Han Solo coming out of no where to blast Darth Vader out of the way so I could blow the Death Star to bits... keep the t-shirt... I picked that one special since it's the same color as your most favorite team - didn't know I could fit this much allegory and symbolism into one thank you.

Jeremy and Lucy, had the two of you not shown up I'm pretty sure I would have just started taking horse tranquilizers. You guys are both reliable and generous - not to mention impervious to pain which is good when hanging around me because when I make a plan I ensure there is a high degree of pain involved along with a low amount of common sense. How Lucy ever put up with my nonsense as a boss I will never know, but the divine purpose behind it must have been preparation for being your girlfriend, Jeremy. You are very lucky to have her. I'm sure she finds this much easier than working for me anyway. Hope you enjoyed driving the car... did you get it up to 120? (I don't want to know).

Mike, I'm glad your last name isn't Blanks-n-sht or Jeremy would have killed me in noon heat of Houston as we unloaded. I'm glad you had the energy to keep things on track, thus getting the truck unloaded in record time. As a token of my appreciation I have bestowed upon you the "golden plunger" which of course is no where near being golden in color, but in any case good luck finding it...ya, it's in your possession. I just can't say where.

That out of the way here are a few things I have noted about moving (I used the term "interesting" in the title but really that was just for marketing purposes to dupe you into reading this and thus validating my blog existence).

1. It is interesting what one considers edible during those transition periods of packing, moving and unpacking... for instance on one occasion while packing I quieted my hunger by eating expired turkey hot dogs with a slice of cheese, extra portions of mustard and ketschup all snuggly put into wheat buns that I picked all the mold off of (it was a 'loose' interpretation of the famed 10-second rule). The results of my cuisine were predictable.

2. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you can time the amount of toilet paper on hand with your departure to your new location where, upon arrival, you intend to purchase more. When you have a 26ft moving truck at your disposal fitting an 8 roll pack of TP is not going to take up that much space. It retrospect this was simply one of the stupidest things I have done on a move (given item 1 or not). You have to understand that these are the little games I play in my life just to keep up the excitement for me... ya, I'm getting cable with DVR.

3. It's a scientific fact that when it's time to move all your friends will offer to help, but when it comes down to zero hour only an elite few will actually be there, a larger portion will apologize with the explanation that they wrote it down for the next weekend, while your very best friends will attempt to kill themselves while re-enacting a chase scene from Grand Theft Auto on I-10 in near hurricane conditions in order to have a good-enough excuse not to help. (It's ok, I forgive you... that's why we are friends, right?)

4. All those damn story problems that I used to get in math classes can come true although I still come up with the wrong answers... If one worn out skinny ass white boy leaves Fayetteville, Arkansas in a 26ft U Haul at 2pm while traveling 500 miles at an average speed of 43.5 mph, aaaaand his cousin leaves 3 hours latter from the same spot while driving a Dodge Charger at an average speed of 110 mph, aaaaaaaaand the cousin's girlfriend is frantically trying to keep up in her Toyota Camry at what point will the three vehicles intersect? Answer: The exit ramp at their destination 500 miles from the start point. (Ya, no joke - couldn't have even planned it that way.)

5. It was a blessing that God allowed me to be on top of my singing game as I drove - I was freakin Sinatra on this trip and was even nailing the high notes - YESSSSS!!!! Double blessing that he commanded all the radio stations along the route to play only songs I like and know... God's so cool! I sang so much I was dizzy and light-headed every time I got out of the truck - I looked like I was hopped up on something I'm sure but I sounded damn good... my vanity has no limits.

6. On the route from Dallas to Houston about 30 miles south of the Big D on I45 is a mile marker that indicates "Houston 170 Miles." No biggie, but 30 miles later there is another sign that says, "Houston 190 Miles!" ... TEXDOT, you lovable little scamps.... that's a good one, hahaha... I WILL KILL YOU A&%#HOLES!!!! DO YOU HEAR ME?!!! KIIIIIILLLLL YOU!!!! (PS - I have to drive to Dallas and back this week - can we say, "state-sponsored anger-management?")

7. Average truck speed first half of the trip - 53mphs. Average speed middle part of the trip 61 mphs. Average truck speed last hour of trip... let me put it this way. In the right weather conditions you can get a fully-loaded, 26ft long U Haul up to 85 mph (the speedometer only goes to 80 and then there are a few tick marks but you get the picture). By that point - in my 9th hour of driving with every one's high beams slapping me in the face from each mirror I realized that I am not as materialistic as I once believed. Renouncing all my worldly possessions I pushed the gas pedal to the floor and held the wheel steady as my cargo bounced around in the same fashion as those little ping-pong balls in a lottery machine. I actually caught air going over a few bridges alla Steve McQueen. The faster I went, the bigger the smile I got across my face thinking about the Texas Department of Safety Officer chasing me with the thought that this was the last vehicle he thought he'd be pulling over on a Friday night. If my singing voice would've held out a little longer, who knows? I might have just kept going... right on que George Strait starts up with "Amarillo by Morning."

8. "Packing Peanuts! Very Dangerous. You go first, Indy"

"Packing Peanuts. Why did it have to be packing peanuts..." Spill 'em on the floor and it's like trying to scoop up frantic field mice scattering in every direction... months later you'll find one or two still curled up under a chair or bookcase waiting to strick. I'll get you all if it's the last thing I do.

9. Three pounds of strawberry Twizzlers and 2 Cokes does not constitute a meal... at least this time I had a 8 roll pack (with aloe) handy. Of course I currently weigh 191 lbs so I highly recommend the Mover's Diet.

10. Going to the Galleria to buy watches is not a moving priority; however, changing your address for all your credit/bank cards is. Guess which one I did? Takes a lickin and keeps on tickin"

11. I've never moved back to somewhere that I previously lived - so my first Sunday Night in Houston and I had the urge to call in my Sales Numbers for the week to my old place of employment ... weird. Now, I'm wishing I would have just as a joke, but then again since I would have reported 0 Gross sales, 0 Cancellations for a Net of 0 Sales for the week they probably would've fired me for lack of performance.

12. A friend reminded me that I was moving in between a tropical storm and impending hurricane... I thought she was joking cause she's funny. Besides, I laugh at such dangers (provided there no packing peanuts involved). When my son asked if I was in Texas and I said yes he was very concerned, "You gotta get out of there dad, there's a hurricane coming!" Hmmm, guess she wasn't kidding - the fact that I don't have Internet or cable yet left me even further in the dark - luckily the hurricane is going to miss Houston, but you wouldn't have known it by the warning signs flashing along the major highways in the city... I stocked up on water, but it's too late to get renter's insurance as they write no new policies for renters or homeowners when a storm is in the gulf. Isn't the insurance racket swell? Oh, and my son's solution? Go stay with the X-in-laws that live north... He's so cute.... I'll take my chances with the hurricane.

I love my place - It is perfect for my narcissistic and artsy cliche lifestyle but the bedrooms are downstairs in a semi-basement set up which makes me feel like I'm living with my parents. "Hey, mom? What's for breakfast? Whaddya mean it's noon? No I didn't have any girls over last night? I don't need this crap right now mom! You know I'm a artist on the verge of being discovered; it's only a matter of time. Ok, ya, I'll get milk when I'm out today. ya..... I love you too."

I've included some pics of the living room area, kitchen and desk area... no bedroom shots though - it weirds me out to see pics of some one's bedroom on the Internet - it's even cheesier if it's a guy... and I have allot of pillows on the bed and I don't feel like explaining that to everyone, ok. Two words - Nate Burkus.

Thanks Again to everyone that helped out!

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