Glee Regionals: Singing to Ocean’s 11 and Puck’s Daring Rescue Plan

So here’s what you missed on Glee: The New Directions are on their way to Regionals after their win at Sectionals even though Rachel has no voice, Finn’s missing, Artie’s in a street gang, Mike’s dead—again—and Quinn’s failing Home-Ec. Meanwhile, Santana’s being chased by Dog the Bounty Hunter for violating her parole; Brittany’s in Celebrity Rehab for a cat-eating addiction; and Puck’s facing felony charges for stealing lunch money, only he’s not stealing lunch money; he’s trying to help end child hunger. But all is not lost because Kurt is looking fly in a puffy shirt and vintage Mork and Mindy, rainbow suspender; Sue is plotting something even more diabolical than before for Mr. Schuester; and Mercedes and Tina are doing… something worthy of their roles as supporting cast members. And that’s what you missed on Glee.

Opening scene: Kurt, Rachel, Mercedes, and Tina are in the Glee Club room waiting for practice to start.

Mercedes: It’s great we’re headed to Regionals tomorrow, but there’s only four of us.

Mike walking into the room: Don’t you mean five of us?

Tina: Mike! You’re alive!

Mike: Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?

Just then a loose wire falls from the ceiling, electrocuting Mike until he’s a charred corpse laying on the floor.

Rachel [in sign language]: Oh my gawd! They killed Mikey! You bastards!

Kurt: Hmmm. Yeah, that usually happens later in the story. Guess we’re back to four.

Mercedes: You mean three. The only way Rachel can help is if the judges are all hearing impaired.

Rachel, frowning, [in sign language]: Come on guys, this is serious. What are we going to do?

Mr. Schuester enters the classroom: Sorry I’m late gang; Sue slashed the tires on my Smart Car… Hey, where is everyone? …and what’s wrong with Rachel’s hands? It that a nervous tick, because if it is, my OCD girlfriend—

Tina: It’s sign language Mr. Schu. Rachel can’t talk.

Mr. Schuester: —she’s so cute and adorable, but she makes me wrap my head in plastic wrap before she’ll kiss me—

Kurt: Uh, Mr. Shu? All due respect, we really don’t care about your Saran Wrap serenade right now.

Mercedes: Yeah, Mr. Schu. What are we going to do about Regionals tomorrow?

Mr. Shuester: …you guys should see how many boxes of surgical gloves this woman goes through in a night…

Puck crawling out an air duct: I know what we can do.

Everyone: Puck! What are you doing here?

Puck: The cops wouldn’t let me have my one phone call, so I had to bust out. And that’s what we’re going to do about getting everyone back—bust them out.

Kurt: Cool, like a caper movie! I’m glad I’m wearing the right shirt for it.

Tina: It is pretty fly with those Mork and Mindy, rainbow suspenders.

Mr. Shuester: A caper movie, huh? This give me an idea, guys. We’re going to sing the entire soundtrack to Ocean’s 11.

Mercedes: George Clooney and Brad Pitt sang in those movies?

Mr. Shuester: Before Clooney and Pitt, there was Sinatra, Dino and the Rat Pack. They were the original Ocean’s 11 that broke into the Vegas casinos. And they sang their whole way through it.

Puck: Cool guys …singing? Come on, Mr. Schu.

Mr. Schuester: Uh huh. In fact, there’s a great scene where Sammy Davis Jr. is doing this number while posing as a garbage truck driver.

Mercedes: A garbage truck driver. And I suppose you want me to take that song because I’m black?

Mr. Schuester: ‘Fraid not, Mercedes. I’m giving that one to Puck, because he Jewish.

Puck: A garbage truck! That’s perfect Mr. Schu!

Mr. Schuester: How’s a garbage truck perfect, Puck?

Puck: Don’t you get it? A garbage truck can solve everything—it’s bulletproof so we can rescue Artie from the gang. It’s strong enough to smash through the walls at Celebrity Rehab where Brittany’s at, and it’s big, so we can just run right over Dog the Bounty Hunter when we grab Santana, aaaaaand, Quinn can use it to pass her Driver’s Ed final this afternoon and be back in Glee Club again.

Rachel [in sign language]: What about Finn?

Puck: He’s trapped in the janitor’s closet down the hall. It locks from the inside so we just need to explain the directions for using a doorknob.

Kurt: Well what are we waiting for? Let’s go!

Everyone: Yeah! Come on!

Puck: Hold on.

Mr. Schuester: What is it Puck?

Puck: My phone call—well, Twitter actually.

Mercedes: You’re on Twitter?

Puck: Uhhh-Yeaaaah. @Mark_Salling, maybe you've heard of me? But we have to wait until after a public meeting on Twitter hosted by @ConAgra.

Rachel [in sign language]: Seriously?

Puck: Hey, Ending Child Hunger is important, okay.

Mr. Schuester: Guys he’s right. I’ve been trying to get McKinley signed up, but Coach Sylvester won’t let the school signed up unless I agree to give her the entire $10,000 grant we could get if we win the drawing. When’s the meet up, Puck?

Puck: It’s this Thursday, November 10th at Noon, Eastern time. There’s a hashtag for it too #ChildHunger, but you can easily monitor the chat through this handy deal [Flips open a smart-phone].

Everyone: oooOOOOooo, a smart phone.

Puck: And if you’re thinking about doing it, you can RSVP on Facebook too.

Mr. Schuester: Thanks, Puck. Maybe, next time, you should think about collecting select ConAgra UPC box tops instead of stealing other people’s lunch money.

Puck: Uh, Mr. Schu, I know. I’m the spokesperson for the Child Hunger Ends Here Campaign with Feeding America and Schools Fight Hunger.

Mr. Schuester: Then maybe, helping set up a food drive would be better than scaring kids to give you their lunch money.

Puck: Mr. Schu—

Mr. Schuester: That’s enough, Puck. Now don’t you have a garbage truck to hot-wire? And hey, gang, while Puck’s off at that meet up, we’ve got time to start practicing the Ocean’s 11 soundtrack! And it just so happens I have DVD of it right here!

But at the last minute, right before the Glee Club took the stage at Regionals, Mr. Schuester changed his mind, and the New Directions went with this instead.

What would the judges decide? Stay tuned for the next and final installment of Glee

* * *

Editor’s Note: Although the above content is a parody of the TV show Glee, the intent is to keep readers engaged as opposed to hearing a public service announcement. Child hunger in a America is much more serious than people realize, and you can help ConAgra, Feeding America, and Schools Fight Hunger simply by asking your school to sign up. We hope that you will. Thanks.

Disclaimer: True, I am being compensated for my efforts with ConAgra as part of this campaign, but it in no way sways my opinion about hungry children in need of food.

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