Glee: Kurt Can't Sing Coldplay and Puck's Really Not Stealing Lunch Money
Opening scene: Kurt, Mercedes, and Tina are sitting together and talking at the school’s crowded outdoor cafeteria.
Tina: I can’t believe we actually won Sectionals.
Mercedes: Fu’realz. I didn’t know you could be disqualified for that thing that got them disqualified.
Kurt: Well, I don’t care. A win’s a win, and I’ll take it. Nobody said it had to be pretty.
Tina: Yeah, I guess. And speaking of pretty, that chartreuse sweater is definitely a win, Kurt.
Kurt: Oh, thank you, Tina. I don’t know why but it always makes me want to sing something by Coldplay.
A full band suddenly appears in the background and starts playing the first few measures to Viva La Vida. Kurt steps up on the cafeteria table and opens his mouth—.
Mercedes: Oh helz no. Ain’t nobody singin’ any Coldplay up in here. There’s gay, Kurt, and then there’s gay, gay. Besides, we gotta get to Glee practice.
***
Match cut to Glee Club practice room where Santana, and Brittany are waiting when Tina, Mercedes, and Kurt walk in.
Mercedes: So how was hard time in the big house, Santana?
Santana: Oh, please. I was in for like two hours. They couldn’t prove I did anything to that cat—Brittany ate all the evidence.
Brittany: Yeah, my spirit guide and I are now one.
At that moment, Mr. Schuester walks into the room. There are patches of hair missing from his head.
Mr. Schuester: Alright. Listen up. We dodged a bullet at Sectionals since that school get disqualified for doing that thing that they got disqualified for, so we— [looks around the room] Where is everyone?
Brittany: Mr. Schuester? Why do you have patches of hair missing? Did you eat a cat too?
Mr. Schuester [feeling top of head]: Because, …because Coach Sylvester switched my mousse with Nair. But that doesn’t matter right now. We need to focus on Regionals, so why isn’t everyone here?
Santana: My cousins said Artie got into M18—they’re using his wheelchair for drive-bys
Kurt: Finn was taking a test for MENSA. That was three days ago, and no one’s seen him since.
Mercedes: Rachel’s probably off by herself randomly singing some sappy show tune in the auditorium.
Match cut to auditorium where Rachel is looking around confused.
Rachel: Hello? …Is the anyone here from the school band?
Janitor [walking past]: Trig test. They said something about not repeating 10th grade again from missing too many classes.
Match cut back to rehearsal room
Mr. Schuster: What about Quinn and Mike?
Santana: Quinn’s academically ineligible—she failed the Planned Parenthood section of Home Ec.
Tina: And Mike’s right there. [points to doorway]
Mike waves, right before a football player throws a red slushy in his face . Mike’s head explodes and he drops onto the floor.
Kurt: Oh my GAWD! They killed Mikey! You bastards!.
Mr. Schuster: Okay, and Puck’s in detention for stealing lunch money. Great.
Just then Puck steps over Mike’s body and enters the rehearsal room.
Puck: No I’m not Mr. Schu. I keep telling you, I’m helping ConAgra and Feeding America in their efforts to End Child Hunger.
Mr. Schuster: Suuuure, Puck. Whatever you say.
Puck: I’m not kidding, Mr. Shu. Childhood hunger is a serious issue, and the people I’m working with don’t really like that we’re doing all these parodies even though it’s getting people’s attention.
Santana: Okay, Puck, let’s just say you are some sorta spokesperson for this. Prove it to us.
Puck: You want proof? Did you know that poverty in the suburbs is worse now than in the inner city? And did you also know that 21 million kids are dependent on school meals because they don’t have food at home. And did you also know that nearly 1 in 5 kids doesn’t know where their next meal is coming from.
Kurt: I gotta admit, that was a pretty convincing use of facts.
Brittany: Now I feel bad being part of a group called the Cheer-i-os now.
Mecedes: So what can we do?
Puck: The first thing is to get your school signed up. And then there’s all kinds of other stuff—your school can start a garden or food pantry. You can volunteer at local hunger outreach programs, raise funds, collect UPC codes from select ConAgra products, and you can start a hunger awareness program. Did you know that the number of kids in Houston who don’t know where their next meal is coming from is 27.2%! And when you sign your school up, it’s eligible for a $10,000 grant to be used for a school fieldtrip!
Mr. Schuster: Wow. Childhood hunger is something we don’t really think enough about. I don’t know why you’re telling us about Houston, but you’re energy’s great, Puck. Guys, we could learn a thing or two from Puck’s enthusiasm as we go to Regionals next week. [Turns back to Puck]. And Puck, you’ve been warned once, stop stealing lunch money from other kids. Now grab that guitar and sing us a solo.
Editor’s Note: Although the above content is a parody of the TV show Glee, (in which Mark Salling, the campaign’s spokesman, plays Puck), the intent is to keep readers engaged as opposed to hearing a public service announcement. Child hunger in a America is much more serious than people realize, and you can help ConAgra, Feeding America, and Schools Fight Hunger simply by asking your school to sign up. We hope that will. Thanks.
Disclaimer: I am being compensated for my efforts with ConAgra as part of this campaign
