Why I Hate Divorce Attorneys

After losing my job, one of the first things I did that day was contact a divorce attorney to have my support payments legally reduced due to my extreme circumstances. On the recommendation of a close friend, I contacted an attorney who was touted as the best in area, having handled multi-million dollar settlements without ever losing a case. You can already guess this guy was going to be expensive, but because he was drinking buddies with my friend, I would get a cut rate. For the best attorney in Houston this is what I got:
  • When they sent the original papers to my former spouse, they goofed on the address sending it 3 states in the other direction, and new papers had to be drawn, which would require more money, but they said I wouldn't be charged for it since it was their mistake
  • Two months later the new papers were sent, but were still wrong resulting in petitioning the court to move back the trial date
  • After numerous phone calls (at a cost of X hundred dollars per 15 minutes), I was told the new court date
  • Third set of papers sent... 6 weeks later
  • Bill sent which includes charges for all calls I made to them, every goof up in paperwork, the address screw up, and filing fees to adjust court dates... and no friends and family discount
  • Called attorney's office several days before court date only to be told they had filed another continuance and pushed the date back. The new court date? One year after the day originally contacted the attorney.
  • Received notice informing me their office needed another $X thousand dollars to keep them on retainer.
In response to this notice, I sent a reply that went something like this.

Dear Mr. Azraypenmee,

Given my extreme financial situation I have no means by which to pay for any future services from your office, unless you can accept payments in the form of chickens, cases of low quality beer, or old money from the Confederate State of America. (Please note, should you select the payment by chickens option, I will need time to requisition them under cover of darkness. I use chickens to pay my credit card balances, and I think the nearby farm in on to me.) I believe this method of compensation is commensurate to your level of service.

It seems that every time I call to inquire as to the status of my case I am told by your staff that they will get back with me. By "getting back with me," I take this to mean getting back at me because it's been three weeks since my last call and I still have heard nothing except the request for more money to keep you on retainer. I applaud your compassion in employing the physically handicapped on your staff, but I am curious as to how you found enough people born without arms to fill your entire office. Couldn't they - I don't know - pound their nubs into the keypad and use their nose to nudge the receiver off the hook? Then they could just lay their checks down on the desk and speak, or grunt or... breath heavily into the phone?

Had I not called prior to the last court date, I'd have been standing at the court house with a stupid grin on my broke ass mug. To this day, I don't know why it was moved and when I asked I was told, "We'll get back to you on that."

I realize that in the big scheme of things I am just a peon compared to the normal clients the firm deals with; however, you would do well to know that I am somebody, and I like me. I have watched Jerry McGuire seven times, and the message I gleaned from it was never to let a divorce attorney step on your self-esteem.

Before you reject my suggested payment proposal, please keep in mind that the value of chickens is higher that that of
alpacas. Likewise, Confederate money is still good in Alabama and certain parts of Mississippi, and who doesn't need a little cheap beer.

Forgive me for this lengthy response which I will now conclude realizing it probably has already cost me half a dozen
Banty Roosters and a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon just to have you read it this far. Like chasing the hot girl famous for being the high school tease, I feel this has been a waste of my time and money with nothing to show for it. I hope you enjoy the ski trip your armless secretary told me you would be on next week. Feel free to spend the thousands of dollars I sent you rather than giving it to my own children.

Other than that, have a happy and safe Thanksgiving.

Take Care.

PS - In case you are looking for a great addition to your holiday meal, I have an excellent recipe for sweaty, hairy balls. They taste exquisite, especially when sucked on.

The response from Bentover & Azraypenme said something to the effect of they took this to mean I wouldn't be sending the retainer fee.


On the day of court, I met with my ex-wife's attorney. We settled the entire case in fifteen minutes while sitting in the hallway outside the courtroom. When I stood in front of the judge, she was surprised to learn I would be representing myself, but I assured her I had watched a lot of Law & Order. She and everyone nearby broke down laughing. And the total cost to me? $0.00.

As we left the courtroom, the attorney said, "You know, I tried to find something to get you on in this case, but I couldn't. You did everything right." His remark, however, only went in one ear and out the other; I was still hurt that my vaunted attorney never took me up on that recipe.

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