Another Happy Customer

Dear TV Max,

I’d like to take a moment you tell you just how much your cable service at TV Max sucks. Yes, sucks, like piglets on a sow’s teat. Since installing the new digital cable box as part of the Congressional mandate (not only has the government screwed up the economy, but now they have meddled with our cable as well. Thanks W.), my family and I can now look forward to an enjoyable evening watching our favorite programs in high-quality pixilated little boxes while listening to the show’s characters stutter like hiccupping drunks.

And to think I'm paying $60 a month for such great service that utilizes a box hardly compatible with TiVo. It would seem logical to find a new provider, which I would very much like to do; however, our apartment complex can only offer (sigh) TV Max. How convenient. 

Just so you know I am no idiot, deftly avoiding hot beverages at fast-food drive throughs, and making toast in the shower. Which is to say I have already run the gambit of troubleshooting steps issued by the company or from internet message boards, and my TV is a fairly new HD flat-screen, definitely compatible with the digital quality of entertainment I seem to be missing out on? Please do not respond to me with a list of, "did you try this, and did you try that," as I a libel to do something rash in response. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. 

If you care at all about your customers at all, then please take my complaint seriously. I realize I am just another account number for your drones in sector 7G to shake a stick at every thirty days, and there is little else available at my disposal to exact any meaningful retribution against TV Max, save sharing my cynical views concerning your company and it's pitiful product. 

You have my contact information, and know where I can be found. I will be waiting outside on the street, hoping you will take some sort of action to fix my issue. If you cannot then it really makes no sense for me to continue paying for TV I am unable to watch, and as such you are most welcome to retrieve all your equipment post haste. However, I cannot guarantee that it will not be urinated on… several times.

Thank you for your feigned concern, and any resulting form letters/emails.

- Another Happy TV Max Customer (with a full bladder)

I know no one really cares about me being all whiny about cable, but I already punch the TV screen and it didn't make me feel any better or fix the picture quality of America's Next Top Model.

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