On The 12th Day of Christmas The Lunchbox Shared With Me

...A return to the regular routine.

This is the last of the reposts - I just needed a breather before getting back into the routine. Speaking of routine, this comes from last spring and tells of the morning routine I had to go through in getting Allie and Avery ready for school.

So what's a typical morning timeline to include where Ash and I fit it? Basically it would be something like it was today.

6:15 Ashley's alarm goes off. She beats sleep button into submission.

6:20 My alarm goes off. I spend fifteen minutes figuring in my head what to wear and why My Little Ponies like ruben sandwiches and not roast beef.

6:25 Ashley's alarm goes off. She knocks everything off nightstand before finding snooze button.

6:30 My alarm goes off. I get up, hungry for roast beef, but having no idea what to wear. I figure underwear is a good start and make a selection.

6:35 Ashley's alarm goes off. I check for pulse and remind her she's going to be late. Ash glares at me as if I ate the last of the roast beef in the fridge. Gets up and shuffles to bathroom to collect makeup box.

6:36 I make bed to ensure Ash doesn't crawl back in. Head to bathroom to take shower and think about what to wear.

6:50 I get out of shower, medicate myself, brush teeth and fix hair. Ash fixes make up while sitting at computer desk

6:51 Open bathroom door. Find two little girls dancing outside who rush past me and slam door.


6:51 Open bathroom door. Find Ashley holding makeup brush in teeth while answering emails. I start countdown sequence one, two, three... Ash goes back to applying makeup thus saving herself the loss of a marble.

6:55 Go to closet - put on clothes none of which were what I was thinking. Head up stairs to prepare breakfast. Turn on Microwave countdown timer. Ash starts getting dressed. Stresses about which blouse has what effect on her cleavage. Asks my opinion and does opposite. Lays clothes out for girls

7:00 Wake up girls (if not already). Ash or I flip on lights and rub, pat, scratch, dance, joke, cajole, and threaten. One, two, three, four, five... Alley is dressed at "joke" stage. Avery gets out of bed after "five" is sounded and smells smoke from Care Bear set on fire for not getting out bed before "five" count.

7:05 Breakfast is ready. Wrap egg, bacon cheese sandwich for Ash to take with her on ride to work. Will hand her Diet Coke on her way out if it's in stock. Kiss Kiss, hug, hug, accidental grope (by Ash),dirty talk and goodbye. Allie appears, declaring us "gross."

7:06 Hand Allie breakfast - usually a Pop Tart, cereal, or cinnamon toast. Call to Avery downstairs to which she replies with how she got her first Barbie doll while living at the "yellow house." Head downstairs to investigate. Allie asks if my boys like Hannah Montana.

7:08 Open door to find Avery naked and trying to put on little girl underwear. Am screamed at for seeing her, "naked booty." I blush, shut door and step on wet pull up diaper. Remind Avery she can have a marble for throwing diaper in trash. Am reminded I am not to see her "naked booty" or her "panties." Blush again.

7:10 Call Allie for assistance in helping sister. Allie refuses. Negotiations begin. Allie demands marble for efforts. Finally, I agree to three - head up stairs to eat breakfast. Allie asks if the boys like Barbies.

7:15 Check email while eating breakfast. Internet is out. Head downstairs to check router. Allie passes me on the stairs and reminds me of marble agreement. Asks if my boys like to sing.

7:16 Find router disconnected by Ashley who changed setup while I was in shower. Avery appears asking if I think she is pretty / cute / adorable depending on outfit for the day. I tell her she is the prettiest / cutest / most adorable ever and would be more so if she eats breakfast. Fix Internet.

7:18 Follow Avery up stairs and get her breakfast. Get text message from Ash. Wants to know if "she is pretty / cute / adorable" depending on what blouse did which things to her cleavage. Reply that she is prettiest / cutest / most adorable and I like what her blouse did to her cleavage.

7:20 Get new text message with dirty talk. Wonder to self if I am just hunk of meat or some kind of machine, but make note to get bottle of wine later anyway. Allie reminds me of the marbles. Wants to know if my boys like make up.

7:21 Allie counts marbles like Ebeneezer Scrooge. Avery wants marble as she stands over AC register letting cold air blow up her dress. I tell her to eat breakfast or I will take a marble. Avery returns to chair, takes bite and expresses need to retrieve all 7 My Little Ponies from bedroom. Avery is again reminded to eat.

7:22 Return to breakfast. Check email. Get distracted by random spam promising free Viagra from reputable Canadian pharmacies. Reason this to be important enough to investigate for 8 minutes only to realize it as a scam. Allie informs all present of new marble count. I congratulate her. Avery is MIA. Allie is curious if my boys like Spongebob.

7:30 Find Avery in bedroom looking for new outfit. Begins crying that current outfit isn't cute enough. Takes no consolation in my statement her outfit is cuter than mine (secretly want to change my outfit now). Avery crying.

7:31 Ask Avery if Barbie ever had any political aspiriations while she was in college. Avery stops crying, stares blankly into space. Returns to kitchen and finishes breakfast. Wakes with no recollection of need to change outfit.

7:33 Return to my breakfast. Feel morning "man urge" in tummy. Tell girls to get shoes on and stuff together to leave. Make mental note that microwave timer will go off in 12 minutes. Search for suitable reading material to fill time void created by acting on morning "man urge" in tummy.

7:33.01 Allie declares self winner in unannounced Put-on-shoes-the-fastest Contest. Avery melts down due to her all-time record of 0 wins, 674 losses and 1 tie while competing in Allie's unannounced contest league. Allie wants to know if the boys would like the Hannah Montana shoes she is wearing now.

7:34 Continue down stairs at hurried pace while carrying random fashion magazine (Lord only knows why). Yell at girls to work out their issue or prepare to watch all Barbies ripped apart by wild horses. Justify outburst as a result of morning "man urge" speaking through me. Allie scoffs at notion citing the fact horses are not readily available for such work. Avery stops crying with inaudible comment referencing My Little Ponies.

7:36 Position self for morning "man urge" action. Flip through random fashion magazine baffled why chiffon and paper bags are considered worth $10,000. Allie knocks on door wanting to know what I'm doing and why I need a magazine to do it. I agree to another marble if she will go away without the need for an explanation. She agrees, but wants to know if my boys like to watch The Naked Brothers Band.

7:40 Morning "man urge" appears to be false alarm and I prepare to resume morning's routine activities. Receive text from Ashley - more dirty talk. Notice additional fat on my left butt cheek and feel less sexy. Make note to buy two bottles of wine.

7:41 Head up stairs to grab laptop and carry bag (man purse). See Avery and tell her to get shoes on.

7:42 Avery appears with wrong shoes. Wants to know if they are cute. Allie declares Avery's shoes "inappropriate" for day care. I tell her to get shoes her mother set out.

7:42.30 Avery returns with wrong shoes. Wants to know if they are cute. She is told to return with shoes her mother set out.

7:43 Avery returns with wrong shoes. Wants to know if they are cute. She is told to return with shoes her mother set out. I follow her to bedroom.

7:44 Find Avery sitting on floor staring at wall. Ask her where the shoes her mother set out are. Avery says she doesn't know, but is lying because she is a really bad at it. I threaten to trash her coloring book and start counting...one, two, three, four five! Five? Five! Head to stairs to make good on threat. Avery declares mother's choice in shoes ludicrous for not matching pretty / cute/ adorable outfit for that day but pulls the correct shoes from where she hid them.

7:44.30 Repeat intentions of trashing coloring book. Hear crying and running behind me. Check if she has on right shoes. Good to go. Grab carry bag (man purse) and head to door. Allie is at door tapping her foot.

7:44.45 Avery joins us at door, but is crying over shoe travesty. I inquire as to whether Care Bears were born with a natural sin nature. Avery stops crying and enters trance-like state. I visually inspect each girl. Hand Allie her reading glasses and tape Avery's show-and-tell item to her body for her to find later after regaining consciousness. Allie wants to know if my boys like girls with glasses.

7:45 Alarm sounds. I shut it off and usher everyone out the door.

That's pretty much how it goes. Day in and day out.

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