A Lunchbox List

The other day while looking at the hair protruding from my nostrils, it occurred to me I really should pay more attention to my grooming habits. I guess as "a writer" it's pretty easy to let yourself go when you sit around, day-after-day glued to a computer monitor like an on-line gaming addict. In the Army I always wore sharp-looking uniforms, with precision hair-cuts, and as a corporate executive, I had stylish suits and a movie-star persona (come on people, go with me here).

However, those days are done and gone, and when I started to get annoyed that my nose hair was interfering with my ability to brush my teeth I figured maybe I had better clean up a bit. It's been what? A couple months? But then I thought a little more, and I reasoned that all that clipping and trimming wouldn't be very writer-like of me. In fact, to become clean-shaven I'd actually be turning into something of a sell-out compromising my morals. I stood a little straighter at the thought, pleased with my scruffy-writer look, and I started to stroke those flowing nasal mane fondly. So, for all you conservatives with stringent grooming standards I give you The Top 10 Greatest Things About Nose Hair...

The Top 10 Greatest Things About Nose Hair

1. I can hide my increasing number of grey hairs


2. They can act as a built-in gas mask filtering device in case of a scud missile attack


3. I can use them to practice rope braiding in case I ever need to escape from prison - kind of like Rapunzel


4. I an pull out the loose ones a donate them to wig factories and hair replacement programs for bald men - it's about helping those in need


5. I can hang hip, decorative beads from them instead of getting a nose ring... and the beads aren't permanent or leave scares (Yes! Bonus!)


6. They give me something to chew on when hungry until I can get some real food


7. They can protect me from allergens such as pollen and smells like decaying road-kill skunks and burning sulphur plants


8. Facial warmth in arctic climates


9. I can change my look by pulling down the hairs like window shades and viola! Instant mustache! Don't want facial hair? Just shove them back in my nostrils.


10. Awesome Boogers! I'm hoping to find one that looks like Jesus or the Virgin Mary so I could get rich selling it on eBay!

Gosh I like me...nose hair and all.