Define Irony: My Wife Got Rear-Ended By A Stripper

Define Irony Part 1
Man writes post about practicality, minivan and a judgemental soccer mom.
Minivan gets wrecked in highway accident a week later.

Last week my wife was involved in a traffic wreck on the freeway as she came home from work. Thankfully, my precious wife was spared any injuries--not even any lingering soreness that we both anticipated the next morning. We are both grateful to say the least.

In a scene typical for rush-hour, Ashley approached the tail-end of the vehicular clog and slowed to a stop. Apparently, the girl behind her was apparently unfamiliar with this phenomena, however. She slammed her Mitsubishi Eclipse into the back of the minivan with enough force to shove it into the Chevy Tahoe ahead of Ashley. Again, thankfully there were no (real) injuries to anyone.

Define Irony Part 2
Woman has diagnosed anxiety issues. Woman gets in car wreck and takes charge in stressful moment.

The girl that rammed the minivan was a hysterical mess, and despite Ashley's anxiety she jumped in like a trooper and got this girl calmed down. Ash drew the line at accompanying her across 3 lanes of moving traffic to retrieve some unknown item that the girl was adamant about retrieving before the cops showed up. We're not sure what this item was, but pretty sure it was illegal... like maybe those turtles from South America (yeah, right).

Define Irony Part 3
Husband's phone get's destroyed and orders new one; in the meantime he uses wife's phone until arrives. Wife gets in accident and has no way to contact husband.

I have a habit of dropping calls--I mean my phone--which resulted in the need for a new cell. To ensure someone was around to sign for it, the phone company would only deliver to a business; hence, it arrives at my wife's office. She was bringing it home the night of the wreck. When anyone would ask if she had a phone, she'd hold up the package. "Yeah, it's right here. Can I borrow yours?" This only happens during those rare moments when you really need to have a cell phone on you.

Define Irony Part 4
Girl claims near crippling injuries to paramedics and is treated accordingly. Girl makes miraculous recovery once cops determine she is the cause of the wreck and is uninsured.

Apparently, this girl thought she was going to get a little bodily injury money out of the deal. When the police figured out what had happened, the girl got out of the ambulance and approached my wife and the driver of the Tahoe. "Didn't you guys already run into one another before I hit you?" My wife and the other lady just looked at her. Through the wonders of MySpace and Facebook, Ashley learned that the girl worked as an exotic dancer... and not a very attractive one at that (not that that would've made a difference). I saw the pictures: she could scare buzzards off a meat wagon setting in the desert sun.

Define Irony Part 5
Stepdaughter gets invitation to birthday party for Dear Soccer Mom's kid.
Man shows up to party in rental car and Dear Soccer Mom fails to recognize said man.

As we wait for the minivan to be fixed, the insurance company's covering a rental for us. The car is nothing special--a grey Pontiac sedan that I have no opinion about one way or the other. In fact the thing is so nondescript, I have trouble finding it in the parking lot. Twice, senior citizen groups on outings to the mall have assisted me in locating it. In both cases it was on the other side of the mall complex. The girls were excited about riding a new vehicle, but when I told them it was a Pontiac, Avery was confused. "I thought NPR said they weren't making these things anymore?" (I'm not kidding.)

When I showed up to the party, Dear Soccer wasn't sure if we had met before. She was also pretty quick to mention that I didn't need to stay. (I hadn't planned on it.) It didn't bother me, but I really hoped to explain to her how my wife got rear-ended by a stripper.


PS. If I haven't been to your blogs, returned your comments, or answered emails, forgive me. I'll get caught up this week. Between the wreck and then our Internet connection being on again / off again for a better part of the week, there's not been much time to get things done.

I'm very excited to share an article of mine about barf and trust issues that's being published Wednesday at the humorous parenting site Errant Parent.

Thanks for your comments and support of the cure for JM.

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