Appropriate / Inappropriate?

Let's play a game. We'll call it Appropriate / Inappropriate. In this game we'll take inappropriate things the kids have said to me recently and re-phrase it in an appropriate manner.

1) To start off, let's begin with an easy one. Four year-old Sawyer upon waking up and walking into the kitchen.

"Where's my bweck-fass!" That would be inappropriate. How can we change this?

"Good morning, father. I hope you slept as well as I did. Per chance, what shall we be dining on this most glorious of mornings?" Ah, yes, this would now be, not just appropriate, but palatable as well.

2) How about another? 5 year-old Avery's comment on why we don't sit in the front row at church.

"We cantz sit in the fwunt because dat's where the brown peoples sit." Uh ya, inappropriate. Let's fix that one shall we?

"Step-father (the use of Ron is also an acceptable choice here), I can fully understand our decision to surrender our choices in a front row seating section, deferring instead to the refugee family who fled from persecution in the Sudan. Good show! Good show indeed." Wheeeew! Now that is appropriate.

3) Ready for the next one? 9 year-old Noah upset over the fact his brother's choice for a movie has been granted instead of the one he selected.

"That's bullsh*#t!" That, Mr. Ka-Ka mouth is definitely inappropriate.

"Father, I would like to express my extreme disappointment in the favorable nod given to my brother's movie selection as our tastes in entertainment vastly differ. However, I will acquiesce with the knowledge that your intentions in the matter are to provide the fairest of solutions for all involved." Ah, yes. Delightful and, of course, appropriate.

4) Here's another submission from Avery.

"Would you like to see my naked booty!" Not only and inappropriate, but creepy too.

"Step-father (or Ron), It would appear I seem to be experiencing some difficulty in my attempts to change my lady's undergarments, and I would like to employ your assistance in rendering some relief to my plight. However, I must warn you that at the present time, I am fully disrobed which may be something of an embarrassment for the both of us." Now this would be an appropriate request, and one that doesn't weird others out.

5) Let's go back to Noah.

"Grandpa, I'm going to kick your ass!" Tut tut, son. This is most inappropriate.

"Grand Pa-pa, I must inform you that should we engage in a competitive, yet friendly match of checkers, I am quite sure I will get the better of you in a quite convincing manner." Appropriate and much better than the taste of Irish Springs Fresh Scent. Do you not agree?

6) Avery again.

"I came out my mom's vagina!" Disturbingly inappropriate and more so, given the enthusiastic manner in which it was stated.

"Step-father (or Ron), I have just made the most wonderful discovery concerning the circumstances pertaining to my glorious entry into this world. Were you aware, that as a newborn, I had to first pass through mother's birthing canal? I find this fact most exhilarating!" Appropriate and almost adorable even.

7) How about some fresh material from 6 year-old Allie.

"When I lift my leg up, I can fart anytime I want." Uh, that would be inappropriate in both word and deed. This one's a little more difficult, but let's tackle it anyway, shall we?

"Step-father, I have noticed that should the situation dictate within my gastrointestinal tract, a slight adjustment in my lower extremities can facilitate the relief I require in a discreet and safe manner." This would be appropriate, although I hope to never hear it uttered again.

8) Last one from our all-star Avery, who, like her sister, also suffers from the vapors (among other things).

"I just farted. Would you like to smell it?" IN-A-PPROPRIATE!!! No doubt about it. What would be the appropriate phrasing of this?

...people, I really got nuttin' here.

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