Keeping Up with the Kabalarians

So I was trolling around my usual blogs today and my brother-in-law Robb ( had an interesting site from the Kabalarians. If you haven't heard of them you can read the specifics on their page (click on the title of this blog to go there), but basically they have a fundamental belief that our names can dictate our ability to be successful or not. I'm not going to judge this belief one way or the other, but checking out different names in their free index is pretty cool. Of course the fist one I put in was Clark Kent, to which I got the following traits associated with our Man of Steel:

Although the name Clark creates the urge to be creative and original, we point out that it causes an emotional intensity and a dominating nature that is hard to control. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the nervous system, and tension or accidents to the head. The first name of Clark creates an intense personal nature. Your feelings and emotional desires are strong and consequently you are an individual, determined, strong-willed person. Your creative nature and ambition drive you to pursue success to the extent that you jeopardize your personal well-being. There is a tendency for you to dominate others. You are too certain of yourself, and you are not open to the views of others or responsive to their desires or needs. Also, this name does not incorporate qualities that enable you to be diplomatic and to compromise.

"That was pretty good," I thought. So then I tried another one - Lex Luthor:

Although the name Lex creates an active mind and a restless urge to explore new ideas, we emphasize that it causes a restless intensity that defies relaxation. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the solar plexus. The name Lex gives you a strongly independent and highly creative nature, with drive and ambition to have experiences and accomplish things out of the ordinary. You can work intently at whatever is new and holds your interest at the moment, but your interest wanes quickly when drudgery and monotony set in. Obstacles to your progress or restrictions on your freedom to act create a sense of frustration which may cause you to feel resentful and even rebellious. You can then become intolerant of others, and caustic and belittling in your expression, thereby imposing stress on your personal relationships.

Well, if that don't beat all! I was impressed. These guys know their comic books. I tried to think of a few more, and then settled on one last name.


Although the name Jesus creates executive ambitions, we emphasize that it causes procrastination, lack of confidence, and the inability to realize your goals and ambitions (I guess Jesus was supposed to start his ministry in his 20's, but kept putting it off to live with mom and dad in their basement).

This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the reproductive organs, and fluid systems (Ya, I guess crucifixion can do that to you).

Your name of Jesus has given you the ability to handle people (That's an understatement - handle them or create, either way He's covered).

You are pleasant and diplomatic, and seem to sense how others feel (All true unless you are a Money Changer at the Temple, a Pharisee Diva or a demon that really likes pork and base jumping).

For this reason, you could do well in public relations work (He did that and the results were mixed - people like to be healed and fed miraculously for free, they just get a little upset when you start saying you're the Son of God. Christianity ain't a Presidential Campaign).

You appreciate the finer things of life, and like to have a good standard of living (I guess heaven would probably set the standard for the finer things in life - or after-life. Could you see Jesus offering a jar of Grey Poupon to a fellow donkey rider as they both sit waiting for the light to change).

You feel that it is important to convey the impression that you are financially secure, and you place importance on your mode of dress, and on appearances generally ("Lord save me, I am a sin... those are really great sandals. Did you do something different with your hair? Highlights! I thought so... now, where was I?).

While you could do well in certain positions of authority, you have a certain lack of initiative and a tendency to procrastinate (the idea of Jesus actually being like this made me shoot milk through my nose).

Could you imagine? "Ah, ya, Jesus? Hey, um, I'm sorry, but you just don't have what it takes to be the Ruler of Heaven & Earth. However, you will be just perfect for organizing the church rummage sale next week... What? What do you mean 'not up to it?' Listen, get up off your hairy tookis and start miraclizing or healing or whatever. Try a little harder and maybe you'll make something of yourself one day. Who knows, maybe you'll even get to save all humanity from eternal damnation or something... I don't know 'how?' Stop the moaning, just get up and do something other than sulking about living in your Dad's shadow. I swear, if He could see you right now..."

They may know the DC Universe, but they messed up Jesus bad.

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