Fans and Their Moms Celebrate End to Bieber Paternity Suit

LOS ANEGLES, California—Across the country, tween girls and their moms are rejoicing over last week’s news that Mariah Yeater had dropper her paternity suit against pop star Justin Bieber. Yeater withdrew her lawsuit after text messages on her phone revealed the possibility that someone other than Bieber fathered Yeater’s 4-month-old Tristyn Anthony Markhouse Yeater whose lengthy name may yield clues as to the father’s actual identity.

“We’re so thrilled,” said 12 year-old Katie Winthrop of Irvine, California. “We knew it wasn’t true!”

“Never say never,” added Winthrop’s mom, Ashley. “Unless it’s a paternity suit.”

A small but dedicated group of fans in Bismarck, North Dakota were ... continue reading

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Texas Governor May Have Addiction to HPV Vaccine

AUSTIN, Texas—A former staffer working for Governor Rick Perry’s election campaign is claiming the presidential hopeful regularly injects himself with the HPV Vaccine. In a phone interview with TMZ, the campaign worker, who wished to remain anonymous, told the reputable news agency that they had witnessed Governor Perry using syringes filled with the HPV vaccine, also known as Gardasil, on numerous occasions.

Asked to comment on the allegations of chronic HPV vaccine use, Governor Perry issued a statement denouncing the claim as being “absolutely false.” However, sources close to the election staff did confirm that... continue reading

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Researchers Predict Duggers Will Rank Second to China in Population by 2029

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas—Sociologists at the University of Southern Texas of Plano predicted that the Duggar family will have the world’s second highest population by the year 2029 making it second only to China. The study comes after Michelle Duggar recently announced on the TODAY Show that she is pregnant with her twentieth child.

The USToP’s research looked at births, deaths, related legislation, and likely disaster scenarios, to include a large meteor impacting fifty miles outside of... continue reading

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Fathers Seek Therapy After George Clooney Deemed Likely To Be a Bad Dad

NEW YORK CITY, New York—Therapists across the country have reported an increase in the number of fathers suffering from Sudden Identity Crisis Syndrome, or SICS, after remarks claiming actor, George Clooney, would probably be a lousy dad. “I haven’t seen this many Clooney-related SICS cases since Batman and Robin,” remarked Michael Clayton, a New York City therapist thought to be the country’s leading SICS expert. “I’ve had to bring in additional staff to handle the overflow.”

Clooney’s paternal prowess was called into question by... continue reading

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