Pope Adds to 7 Deadly Sins... The Lunchbox Makes Additions Too

Apparently, the Catholic Church has decided that the 7 deadly sins established in The Inferno inadequately covered the worst actions of our depraved humanity. So, in an attempt to rectify this gap, the Holy Church has added 7 more transgressions to the list. Ironically, the move was also a strategic move to push Catholic dogma closer to that of the Baptist Church as a means to steal converts who take faith a bit more seriously and attend church more than just on religious holidays. The news also means that the total number of mortal transgressions is now, an even number, which is more acceptable than accepting anything or anyone that could be termed as odd (which also makes them more "Baptist-y").

Actually, I think this is pretty cool if you look at it the right way. When you realize that The Pope is just a good ol' human being like the rest of us, and yet, a third of the world will tremble at his sudden edict announcing 7 "new" sins that will put all who are guilty at the front of the line to "the bad place." Granted, the guy has a pointy hat, but even still, he also has bouts of ungodly smelling diarrhea, and is forced to change his skid-marked underwear with the same regularity as trailer trash and royalty alike. All the same, I see this action by the Pope as an endorsement for anyone to share our own religious judgments.

For reference, the original 7 transgressions are: lust, gluttony, avarice, sloth, anger, envy and pride. New inductees into the Iniquity Hall of Fame are:

- polluting (the Church declared Jesus' miracle of turning water to whine was an endorsement of recycling)

- genetic engineering (this was added after the current Pope discovered a secret attempt by a splinter cell of the Church to clone his predecessor, the more popular Pope John Paul the II)

- being obscenely rich (the Church denied any claims that the Vatican would be holding a charity garage sale anytime soon)

- drug dealing (upon the announcement, 97% of South & Central America converted to Scientology naming Tom Cruise their new Pope)

- abortion (the all-encompassing sin of murder once again, failed to make the list but did finished ahead of Pete Rose and Al Gore in the voting)

- pedophilia (in an "unrelated" announcement, the Church expressed their extreme concern over the sudden disappearance of 83% of their all-male clergy world-wide)

- social injustice (the Church's legal team has filed a motion to have the Crusades and Spanish Inquisition blamed on temporary insanity)

Since just anybody can start naming sins, I'd like to add 7 of my own. The following will now give the wicked a one-way ticket to "down there."

1) anyone who attaches a "Jesus Fish" to their vehicle and drives around like an A-hole

2) WalMart checkout clerks that refuse to acknowledge your existence as they ring you up

3) any politician that introduces legislation or publicly rails against any sexually deviant behaviour that they themselves are appendage deep in.

4) anyone that attempts to place a custom order meal from a fast-food, drive-thru at the peak of the lunch hour (this includes anyone asking for an option that's bigger than "Super-size")

5) along the sames lines, those filled with wickedness that inflict hate-crimes against any fast-food mascot (except that weird Burger King dude as he is a false prophet of the devil)

6) those worshipping the golden calf, known as "Oprah"

7) any person who initiates and/or engages in acts of road rage against drivers of mini-vans

For such a big-time organization, the Catholic Clergy are a silly bunch. The truth of the matter is that there is no real scale to rate sin by because, that would mean God's love would only carry a correlating degree of forgiveness in relation to the sins committed. Thus, those of us that feel we aren't guilty of the "big ones" wouldn't feel the significance of God's mercy. It just wouldn't mean much to us and eventually it would become easy to drift away from Him. That being the case, it's ridiculous to make up lists of sins because they all carry equal consequences. If there is a list, it's only comprised of two items: love and, it's opposite, fear. The only classifications to God are those people that demonstrate His love by showing love to others, and those that chose to hate and hurt because of the fear they hold on to.

Sorry to sound so "preachy," but some idiot in an Escalade adorned with a prominently placed "Jesus Fish" just cut me off and then gave me the finger on my way back from WalMart.

Note: For the full story on the Popes announcement follow the link below.

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